I would have loved you forever. The good kind of love.
I don’t even know what to say or where to begin because there is so much crashing around up there.
I keep replaying a conversation I had with Him recently. He was yelling/telling me how I am wasting my time looking for the kind of love that doesn’t exist. He was trying to convince me how I should give in and have sex with him, how that would be the best solution to our ‘problems’ (which are pretty much he wants sex and I don’t, I should though because if I just gave in it would probably make things less tense here but I can’t do it because I’m stuck on stupid and don’t see myself with anyone else but you which is fucking ridiculous because you don’t ever want to be with me again so if I am basically sentencing myself to a life of sexual misery…)
See what I mean about I don’t know where to begin.
I can’t even explain all the crazy that is going on inside of me right now.
I am having a hard time making any kind of decision without thinking of how it would affect you or US. I have spent years planning each step with the end destination being US.
I am still making decisions with the thought of you and I in mind but you aren’t a part of the equation anymore. I am left alone. I don’t have you there to tell me it’s okay. I don’t have you there to love me or care for me.
Nobody cares for me anymore.
I have to take care of everyone but there is no one here to take care of me.
I don’t have a lot of things without you anymore…
I miss just staring at each other with big dumb smiles on our face.
I miss looking up and seeing that you are looking at me smiling your sexy smirk.
I miss getting butterflies at the drop of a hat.
I miss struggling to catch my breath because you keep stealing it away for all the right reasons.
I miss the way I feel when I’m with you.
I miss the way all you had to do was whisper, ‘come here baby…’ and I immediately I felt the tingles begin as well as safe, secure & loved.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and you being there loving me back to sleep.
I miss the way you held me, before and after.
I miss the way we could spend hours lost in each other but still never quite get enough.
I miss the way it didn’t matter how many times if you said more she was ready and responding.
I’m depressing myself.
Do you miss any of these things?
Did you even feel any of these things?
Did I make them all up?
I’m convinced I had the wildest and crazy dream about you last night. It felt so real, I could hear you say everything you used to and I’m pretty sure due to sleep deprivation.