Convince me again that life without you is worth it… please. Anyone.

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I’m alive.

I will stay alive.

I need to be here.

Right?

Tomorrow marks 7 days of living without a soul… I want you back but can never have you. Worst feeling ever.

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I used to never escape you. The thoughts are still there, you still race thru my mind but I can’t find you anywhere.

I don’t even see you in my dreams anymore. Even when you left me or didn’t want me in any dream I still dreamed of you.

Now I can’t find you even in my dreams.

It’s like you don’t exist for me anymore.

Now when you are hurt/sad/ need someone it’s not me you want.

You get to go to her.

You get to text her when you need someone.

She’s who you want to soothe your soul.

You don’t even miss me.

I don’t think you even notice I’m gone.

When you hurt I hurt for you. When you’re sad I’m sad with you. I want to reach out to you and tell you how much I love and believe in you. I want to wrap you in my love and take away all that hurts you. I want to look in your eyes and tell you how important and amazing you are.

But then I remember…

I did all of those things, over and over again.

I gave you everything. I tried to show you how you were everything to me.

It wasn’t enough.

You don’t care.

The feelings I have for you will never fade in a lifetime. But I get to live that lifetime knowing that I wasn’t good enough for you. My love wasn’t the love you wanted for a lifetime.

I am not who/what you want.

She is….

Take it back… just take it all back.

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Do you ever think about me anymore?

Do you miss me?

Do you regret letting me walk away?

Does your soul ache for me?

Do you lie awake at night and yearn for my love?

I do.

I do every one of these things and more.

But you get to be sad and hurt for someone else now.

I’m dying.

I don’t want to go on…

I can’t.

I need my soul back….

Please…

I’m so sad without you I don’t want to go on anymore… and I’m sick of pretending I do.

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How are you surviving without me?

Oh, that’s right, you’re in love with someone else and haven’t loved me for months now.

Omg…

I’ll never stop loving you.

This too shall pass… this too shall pass…

What happens when the person you gave your everything to leaves taking your soul with them… you’re left just a shell of what you used to be.

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Today is harder than ever to not reach out to you.

I no longer feel the need the way I used to but the want, well, the want is what is slowly killing me.

I know you don’t love/care/want me anymore.

My soul knows too.

But knowing does nothing to stop the pain/hurt/desire/want in me that craves for you every single second.

I just die a little more.

Knowing doesn’t stop the craziness in my head or the questions that beg to be answered.

All knowing does is tease me over and over again with the knowledge that you are in love with her/she’s with you/all the love, care, want, desire, need, lust, magic that you and I felt wasn’t enough to hold onto you and now you have that with her.

Omg….

How?

Why was my love not enough for you?

I can’t even imagine loving anymore than I did.

It’s not humanely possible.

I gave you everything…

But all that I am and all that I had wasn’t enough.

And that is what kills the most.

Let it go…

moon lover:

I’m scared if I let you go there will be no one left to remember US…

Originally posted on Penelope Dreamweaver:

If something is hurting you, let it go.
Pick yourself up off the ground.
Stop asking yourself “why?”
Open the curtains and let the light shine in.
Let go of the things that hold you down,
without their weight, you may fly higher than you think.
Let go of the chains that keep you isolated in your prison of despair.
Without them, the world is yours to explore.
Let go of the puzzles that are people, who breed confusion in your heart. Without their chaos, you may find peace.
Let go of the fantasy that is perfection and embrace every one of your lovely flaws.
Let go of the need to control things, you may miss out on life’s great surprises.
Let it all go, sometimes it hurts more to hold on.

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Quote of the Day

Originally posted on Emma in Witherland:

“I will always be the virgin-prostitute,

the perverse angel.

the two-faced sinister,

and the saintly woman.”

- Anaïs Nin

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You 100% are the love of my life but you’re not in my life… and it’s driving me crazy.

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I thought I was doing on, until I thought about how we’d never be able to make love again.

About how I’d never again feel our souls collide and the aftermath as it rains down on US as we find each other over and over again.

I’m sick thinking about how I never get to reach down and be shocked by how much she has already reacted to everything you’ve done/said/whispered/moaned/commanded/demanded/begged in more ways than I even thought.

I’m even more sick thinking about how you get to find all of these things and more with someone else while I get to exist a lifetime with a shattered soul.

It’s definitely a sad missing you night. I’m sure I will have those sometimes, I have a lifetime without you for fucks sake.

It’s just shitty that I get to have them while truly knowing now that you are with someone else, loving them, spending time with them, caring and thinking about them, doing all of the fucking things that we used to do with someone else.

Gag.

I’m so glad that you’ve found your happy.

Can’t you tell…

I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

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I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

I weep, while you sleep.

moon lover:

It sucks that all of my fears have become reality. It sucks that I know that all of the time you used to want to spend with me you spend with her…

Originally posted on Provoked!:

Oh baby, where you’d be right now?
in your bed with her,
where we used to breathe,
where you fell asleep talking,
I couldn’t refrain from looking
your immaculate body,
your deep black eyes,
I once floated in that ocean,
now I sink in that potion.

Oh baby, Just the thought sickens me,
wondering how it would be?
where I touched, breathed and nestled,
she’s right there being cuddled.

Oh baby, hope you’re aware,
its reality that she’s there.
hope you’re not mesmerizing,
hope you’re not drooling,
its her therein actually,
while I weep here breathlessly.

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