I wasn’t able to go longer than about 36 hours without contacting you.
I even reactivated my Facebook account.
Even more pathetic…
And then I spent a
lot little bit of time looking through your photos and youtube songs…
I am pretty sure little parts of me were dying the whole time.
I miss your face so much.
I miss your smile.
I miss your blue eyes.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your sexy whisper.
I miss sleeping with you every night.
I miss waking up and you being there.
I miss our middle of the night/early morning love making sessions only to fall back asleep together.
I miss the way no matter what kind of day I had or how I was feeling, seeing/hearing you made everything better.
I miss the way I used to do the same for you. I miss how you used to come to me after a hard day and we would try to make it better together and how no matter how our night started it always, always, always ended in each others arms…
I miss how we used to be there for each other. I loved that if you were upset or needing something you came to me and I was able to be there for you.
(I don’t think when I started this post tonight I was going to list all of the things from you I miss but since I let my fingers and soul do the talking here apparently that is where we are going, for now…)
I had to take a break and step away from the computer because I was getting stuck in the misery of life without you.
I broke down and text you while I was at work today.
I couldn’t believe it.
I was shocked.
I had to walk off the floor for a few minutes because there was no way to stop the tears that sprang to my eyes.
I always end up showing you the ugliest sides of me because it is so hard to be anything but 100% real with you. I can’t even try to fake it with you.
I don’t think I do a very good job with it.
I’m gonna stop this post for now.
I have to try to find something to distract myself with before I go insane.
I miss you.
I’m sorry I can’t stop loving you.
I started this post 2 days ago. Since then so much has happened yet nothing has changed.
I’m writing from my phone tonight and it sucks. I need the keyboard to fly thru all this but I’m too tired to sit up.
You broke me more than ever.
You say things that no person who cared about someone would say to me… you laugh at my love and the hurt I feel.
You allow little kids to mock my love and joke about how broken I am. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. I know you don’t care but I do and I need to start doing a better job of it.
You compare my love to that of a little girl and what a slap in the face that is. She doesn’t know you or how to love you.
You told me you don’t know what you want. You might want to be alone.
And then you said something that will haunt me for the rest of my days…
You told me you wanted to see if there was something better for you out there.
I actually hit the floor for that one.
Pathetic I know.
How do I respond to you wanting to find someone better?
This is fucking planet earth, of course there is someone better than me out there.
There’s billions of us and for me to think there is no one better than me out there would be ignorant and arrogant.
But I can confidently say there is no one better for YOU than ME.
I told you, after puking/crying/hyperventilating/breaking, that if you chose to see if there w
as someone better for you out there that I fully supported it but I would NEVER EVER EVER take you back.
We spent the rest of the night making love. You begged me to look you in the eyes most of the time. You told me over and over how much you loved me. How sorry you were. How you wanted to be there in the morning.
You kept me up until we had no choice but to sleep because our bodies had been exhausted.
Falling asleep with you was exactly what I remember.
We woke up this morning and continued where we’d left off. Spent more time together before work you said you loved me and that was it.
I text you a few times today. You read them but didn’t respond.
Then you did.
But no I love you. I’m thinking of you.
And here I sit.
And you may just be sleeping.
But I’m pretty sure at some point before that happened you spent time with that kid. Whether you text get off talk to her I’m sure it as something…
I need to just walk away.
Because maybe, just maybe, I’m the one who needs to look for someone better…
Now, I only have to convince my soul to listen to my head.