My mind has been racing trying to understand why you would do this to me again?
I allowed you to break me again… I don’t know why I am so stupid when it comes to you. You use my love for you and yet there are no consequences because I’m sure you lie if anyone ever asks about me or pretend I don’t exist at all.
I mean, I know why you would every possible scenario has run through my head from you and ‘her’ were not speaking, she was ignoring you, she was hanging out with her boyfriend (that one makes me giggle, she has a fucking boyfriend, lol), you were feeling down and out, you maybe actually missed me, you were drunk (which you were one night but what is your excuse for the sober text/calls/you know..?), you really meant it when you spent years begging me to believe in your forever love, any so many else…
I get all the reasons as to why you would call and want to spend time with me, what I don’t get is why beg to hold me? Why express such sadness and loss for our love, why try to convince me to forgive you, why call me in the morning, why end our conversations with I love you, why tell me how you haven’t spoke to her in a long time and realized how much you need me, why ask me about how much I missed you, why, why, why?!?!?!?!
Do you truly want to see how far I go before I break? How far is too far for you?
Do you think you’re the only who thinks about ending it?
Do you think you are the only one who doesn’t beg for an end to the eternal pain?
Do you not know that every fucking breath I have taken since that night in July has felt like daggers down in lungs?
Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent begging for the darkness to take me so that I don’t have to wake up and face another day without the one who promised me forever?
Do you care that after 6 fucking months of waking up screaming for you I had finally slept a few dreamless nights without you, finally, but after your nights of loving and holding me I haven’t slept at all?
Do you care that I have spent years of my life falling in love with you and have only had months to get used to the idea that 1. You don’t want that love anymore 2. You are already in love with someone else, who you apparently forgot to tell her that I even existed 3. Had fallen in love with said person while (and you were working together, who btw is half your age, has a boyfriend, lives hours away at college, and as of a few days ago was nothing to you just like the years that we spent together are nothing now) you were still trying to convince me that you were in love with me 4 when you got caught you immediately acted like our love was nothing an I was a crazy axe murdering ex 5. you broke my fucking soul 6. I have a lifetime to live without you.
I have been trying to process all of that and have done an okay job because I am still fucking here alive and, barely, breathing. I have had moments of darkness that I won’t even write here because I don’t want to remember them, I have had moments of weakness and heartache that has brought me to my knees, I have cried until I literally have nothing to cry- no voice, no tears, no strength, I have begged to gods that I don’t even know if I believe in, but never once did I think I would do all of this for you to come in and play your game for a few weeks, spew some lies, break some more promises, and take the tiny bit of light that I had left and then turn your back on me and go back to her…
Never did I think that.
And that is all I can assume btw… Is that for some reason you and her were having a ‘moment’ and you came to me because you were lonely and horny and you knew that my love was a sure thing…
You disgust me.
The way that you use my love and lie to and about me, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I loved you. I thought we were going to spend forever together. I was willing to give up things and sacrifice things I never thought I would because I believed in a love you lie and diminish to nothing. I was going to do all of these things and so much more for you, for someone who would treat me the way you did that terrible night in July only to come back months later profess love, whisper promises, make love, and then leave with a ‘it went too far’….
Did you know that everyfuckingtime you say you love me I believe you?
Do you know that everyfuckingtime I say it I mean it? EVERYTIME!!
Do you care how long it took me to come the little bit that I have without you only for you to swoop in for a few days to mind fuck me and then leave with nothing.. well nothing but a text saying, I just wanted to say hi I’m sorry it went to far…
What the fuck does that even mean?
You wanted to say hi but you took it too far by weeks?
Does that really mean that someone called you out on talking to me again?
Did you lie about me again? Did you say that I am nothing and no one, that we barely talk and sometimes text? But do you tell them when we do text and talk it’s because you contact me, and the things you say are only things you would say and do with a lover? Do you take any accountabilty for the love you supposedly have for me?
I didn’t think so.
But if you can put on this act that you were so madly in love with me for so many years I’m pretty sure you can convince some teenager that you’re love is everlasting and you are nothing but faithful and you can’t live without her and you would give up so much for her and because of her.
I wonder if when she denies you she gets the texts and voicemails about how you are going to end it, how you have the ‘tools’ ready? Because the few times you thought I was denying or I actually did you were quick to send how you nothing was worth it and you were ready to end it. Why would you do that to me?
Do you mind fuck her the way you do me?
Or do you just straight out lie to her?
I will never get the answers to my questions….and even if I do all the answers you give are LIES.