I weep, while you sleep.

moon lover:

It sucks that all of my fears have become reality. It sucks that I know that all of the time you used to want to spend with me you spend with her…

Originally posted on Provoked!:

Oh baby, where you’d be right now?
in your bed with her,
where we used to breathe,
where you fell asleep talking,
I couldn’t refrain from looking
your immaculate body,
your deep black eyes,
I once floated in that ocean,
now I sink in that potion.

Oh baby, Just the thought sickens me,
wondering how it would be?
where I touched, breathed and nestled,
she’s right there being cuddled.

Oh baby, hope you’re aware,
its reality that she’s there.
hope you’re not mesmerizing,
hope you’re not drooling,
its her therein actually,
while I weep here breathlessly.

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You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

How can I be alive when everything inside is dead… except my love.

The sun is up finally. I made it thru. I seriously have a lifetime left without you.

How the fuck…

All I could do was let the hurt wash over me in waves. I lay here for hours, making myself feel every ounce of hurt, making my body and soul remember this pain, trying to convince myself that life without your soul is worth living…

I’m not going to make it.

I don’t think living is worth it anymore. I gave my all to you.

For nothing…

Please take the hurt away please make my soul forget you…

Please…

Oops I forgot to mention the $300 airfare I bought… that you promised you’d never waste. And I don’t have the strength to look for a pic quote, imagine something dead and or dying.

I’m dead.

You don’t care.

I want to hate you.

I hate me.

I hate ever believing or trusting you.

I hate that not only did I give you my heart I gave you my soul.

My sister saved me tonight.

I sent out an s.o.s. and she was here in under fifteen minutes.

She had to pick me up off the floor, literally.

She listened with tears in her eyes as I cried my broken soul out to her.

She stayed with me for hours.

She tried to make me laugh. She tried to help me understand how you could be so heartless? She was angry at you with me. She wanted to kick and punch you with me. She wants you to hurt like me. She tried to make me believe that you do care about me. She tried to help me accept that you and I had to be dead. She took care of my littles when I couldn’t even lift my head up due to sobbing uncontrollably. She comforted me. She loved me. She did everything a sister would and could do.

But it doesn’t stop the ache in soul.

It doesn’t take away the hurt from losing you.

It doesn’t make letting go of a forever that we had planned any easier.

I took the time tonight to delete, almost, everything from you on my phone. I died each time I clicked remove. I die each breath I take with the realization that there will never be a you and I. I believe it now. I can feel that you at truly gone. You have been for sometime now, but I finally feel the loss of you from me.

I feel empty.

More empty than you could ever imagine.

And it’s terrifying.

I lost my soul mate and love and reason of my being to a 18 year old kid…

I want to die.

Seriously.

I’m done.

I have nothing to give.

You left me thru Facebook messages with your new girlfriend and text.

Classy.

Way to treat a lady.

The worst part off it all…

I didn’t even try to reach out to you all night begging you to be with and love me.

Usually I’d be blowing you up and going crazy but tonight I am typing this on my cellphone. Hands shaking. Head aching. Stomach churning. Mind racing. Heart breaking.

And I haven’t contacted you once.

Not even after she messaged me on Facebook again to tell me how you’re telling her everything I say about her and blah blah blah…

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Everything from you was fake.

I loved you for nothing.

I was thinking again about deleting this blog but I want to keep it here because it is and always has been the realest and truest love story I’ve ever imagined.

And even tho your love was not real every ounce of mine has been.

Someday you might wonder if a love that was ever lasting did exist.

I want you and anybody else to know that it does.

I’m so ashamed of myself.

I want to die.

I’m already dead.

You really did get the ultimate fuck you to me…

I’m trying to make it through this episode I am having. I am trying not to let it bother me that you are ignoring me yet again. I am trying not to let it drive me nutty that I know if I was anyone else on this planet you would respond to me. I am trying to not to think about how I am sure you are responding to her.

I am trying…

I am just not succeeding very well.

I know you think I am bluffing and that because I love you so much and so deeply that I would never leave.

But you’re wrong.

I will leave.

And I am going to leave soon if you don’t change the way you treat me.

If our plans for October fall through and it’s because you have continued to ignore and treat me shitty then I am done.

I am walking and I am never coming back.

So if that’s the case I hope you have found the someone better that you have been looking for because I will be gone.

I’m pretty sure you don’t care but I at least have to put it out there…

I mean it’s only the rest of my fucking life we’re talking about here.

 

I think you need reminding of us… before you toss us away forever.

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/amaze-me-with-the-gentleness-of-us-baby-please-i-need-to-be-reminded/

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I wasn’t able to go longer than about 36 hours without contacting you.

Pathetic.

I even reactivated my Facebook account.

Even more pathetic…

And then I spent a lot little bit of time looking through your photos and youtube songs…

I am pretty sure little parts of me were dying the whole time.

I miss your face so much.

I miss your smile.

I miss your blue eyes.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your sexy whisper.

I miss sleeping with you every night.

I miss waking up and you being there.

I miss our middle of the night/early morning love making sessions only to fall back asleep together.

I miss the way no matter what kind of day I had or how I was feeling, seeing/hearing you made everything better.

I miss the way I used to do the same for you. I miss how you used to come to me after a hard day and we would try to make it better together and how no matter how our night started it always, always, always ended in each others arms…

I miss how we used to be there for each other. I loved that if you were upset or needing something you came to me and I was able to be there for you.

(I don’t think when I started this post tonight I was going to list all of the things from you I miss but since I let my fingers and soul do the talking here apparently that is where we are going, for now…)

I had to take a break and step away from the computer because I was getting stuck in the misery of life without you.

I broke down and text you while I was at work today.

You responded.

I couldn’t believe it.

I was shocked.

I had to walk off the floor for a few minutes because there was no way to stop the tears that sprang to my eyes.

I always end up showing you the ugliest sides of me because it is so hard to be anything but 100% real with you. I can’t even try to fake it with you.

I’ve tried.

I don’t think I do a very good job with it.

I’m gonna stop this post for now.

I have to try to find something to distract myself with before I go insane.

I miss you.

I’m sorry I can’t stop loving you.

I’m trying….

I started this post 2 days ago. Since then so much has happened yet nothing has changed.

I’m writing from my phone tonight and it sucks. I need the keyboard to fly thru all this but I’m too tired to sit up.

You broke me more than ever.

You say things that no person who cared about someone would say to me… you laugh at my love and the hurt I feel.

You allow little kids to mock my love and joke about how broken I am. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. I know you don’t care but I do and I need to start doing a better job of it.

You compare my love to that of a little girl and what a slap in the face that is. She doesn’t know you or how to love you.
Gag.

You told me you don’t know what you want. You might want to be alone.

And then you said something that will haunt me for the rest of my days…

You told me you wanted to see if there was something better for you out there.

I actually hit the floor for that one.

Pathetic I know.

How do I respond to you wanting to find someone better?

This is fucking planet earth, of course there is someone better than me out there.

There’s billions of us and for me to think there is no one better than me out there would be ignorant and arrogant.

But I can confidently say there is no one better for YOU than ME.

I told you, after puking/crying/hyperventilating/breaking, that if you chose to see if there w

as someone better for you out there that I fully supported it but I would NEVER EVER EVER take you back.

EVER!

We spent the rest of the night making love. You begged me to look you in the eyes most of the time. You told me over and over how much you loved me. How sorry you were. How you wanted to be there in the morning.

You kept me up until we had no choice but to sleep because our bodies had been exhausted.
Falling asleep with you was exactly what I remember.

We woke up this morning and continued where we’d left off. Spent more time together before work you said you loved me and that was it.

I text you a few times today. You read them but didn’t respond.

Then you did.

But no I love you. I’m thinking of you.

Nothing.

And here I sit.

Broken.

Alone.

Empty.

And you may just be sleeping.

But I’m pretty sure at some point before that happened you spent time with that kid. Whether you text get off talk to her I’m sure it as something…

I need to just walk away.

Because maybe, just maybe, I’m the one who needs to look for someone better…

Now, I only have to convince my soul to listen to my head.

I can’t feel your soul… I can’t feel anything.

sound of your soul

 

I have vowed to not contact you anymore.

Not for your sake but for mine.

Really I shouldn’t care about you anymore. I shouldn’t give a flying fuck if you are upset or annoyed if I call or text you.

But I do.

I care too damn much.

If I didn’t care about you and love you so fucking much than this wouldn’t be such a big ordeal. I wouldn’t be laying broken on the ground begging for the end if I didn’t think that we were worth every fucking second of the pain and embarrassment that I feel, and believe me I am so ashamed for loving you as much as I do, because everything I felt/said/whispered/cried/yelled/screamed/moaned was real.

It all came from the realest place possible.

I loved you literally from the depths of my soul.

When I am alone is the hardest times to keep it together.

When there is nothing or no one around to distract/witness my brokenness I can’t stop the tears that fall. 

I can’t stop the sobs that escape. Sometimes the sounds that make it out scare me. I can only describe them as screams from the soul. There is no stopping them. I don’t even try anymore. There is too much hurt and loss to hold back anymore.

So I have no other choice but to let it out.

How miserable must life have been with me that this is the better alternative. It makes me so sick and sad that I made you so unhappy that life without me is better.

I can’t wrap my head around that.

I don’t think I will ever be able to.

I don’t think I will ever understand anything worse than life without you.

But you have decided the opposite.

You have chose a life without me and are living it like I never existed, like US never happened or meant anything, and I will never be able to understand that either.

I can’t ever imagine life with you being so miserable, until the way you have treated me recently, that I would rather live a life without you than with you.

What could I have possibly done to deserve this?

Seriously?!

Fucking tell me.

Did I love you too much?

Was it wanting you to come to bed with me at night that did it? I didn’t even care what you did before you came to bed I just wanted you to be with me through the night, holding and loving me. Was that too much?

Did I not love you enough?

I can’t imagine that was it. I am sickened myself by how much I loved you.

I guess I could spend eternity asking what I did wrong. And I just might.

But right now I have to stop.

I have to try to convince myself to stop this madness and just walk away from the computer right now.

But I don’t know how.

It’s the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

It is the only thing that is helping me stay on this planet.

Because I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to pretend like I am going get over this.

Because I’m not.

I can’t.

I can only hope I learn how to live with the loss of you.

For now I will live each day hoping that somewhere, even if here on earth is not it, we are destined to be together.

Until we meet again…

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I’m back to writing on here like a mad woman.

I’m running out of ways to distract myself.

I’ve tried Insatgram but I am so sick of how everyone on there has this picture fucking perfect life.

I tweet like I’m a fucking song bird.

I’ve been cleaning and cooking like a 50’s housewife.

And still you are in every fucking thought I have.

I can’t stand it.

I have to pretend like I’m not empty without you all while trying to portray to everyone else that I am full of life, love, and all things happy.

It’s fucking exhausting.

I want to scream to everyone, ‘Hey assholes! I’m fucking dying here! My soul has been shattered and my heart has been destroyed. I don’t want to put one foot in front of the other or take in my next breath. I am dead on the inside people! The mascara, lip gloss, sunglasses & smile you see or fake! I’m not really feeling anything. I’m literally trying to convince myself to stay on this earth. So I’m sorry if I don’t respond to your texts or calls. I’m not really living and I don’t believe in anything anymore.’

But I don’t.

I just smile while everyone’s looking. I laugh when they are listening and snap out of it when they are watching.

The whole time being fucking dead on the inside.

Sounds like a great life.

Can’t wait to live a lifetime of this.

 

image

I’m trying to pretend like I’m not empty inside.

I’m trying to smile on the outside while being dead on the inside.

I’m trying not to let the pain from losing you bring me to my knees, in front of people.

I’m trying to convince myself that life without you is worth living.

I’m not doing a very good job.

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