I knew I never should have answered those texts from you that lonely night in November… Look where it got me now? Again…

silly girl he doesnt care

My mind has been racing trying to understand why you would do this to me again?

I allowed you to break me again… I don’t know why I am so stupid when it comes to you. You use my love for you and yet there are no consequences because I’m sure you lie if anyone ever asks about me or pretend I don’t exist at all.

I mean, I know why you would every possible scenario has run through my head from you and ‘her’ were not speaking, she was ignoring you, she was hanging out with her boyfriend (that one makes me giggle, she has a fucking boyfriend, lol), you were feeling down and out, you maybe actually missed me, you were drunk (which you were one night but what is your excuse for the sober text/calls/you know..?), you really meant it when you spent years begging me to believe in your forever love, any so many else…

I get all the reasons as to why you would call and want to spend time with me, what I don’t get is why beg to hold me? Why express such sadness and loss for our love, why try to convince me to forgive you, why call me in the morning, why end our conversations with I love you, why tell me how you haven’t spoke to her in a long time and realized how much you need me, why ask me about how much I missed you, why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Do you truly want to see how far I go before I break? How far is too far for you?

Do you think you’re the only who thinks about ending it?

Do you think you are the only one who doesn’t beg for an end to the eternal pain?

Do you not know that every fucking breath I have taken since that night in July has felt like daggers down in lungs?

Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent begging for the darkness to take me so that I don’t have to wake up and face another day without the one who promised me forever?

Do you care that after 6 fucking months of waking up screaming for you I had finally slept a few dreamless nights without you, finally, but after your nights of loving and holding me I haven’t slept at all?

Do you care that I have spent years of my life falling in love with you and have only had months to get used to the idea that 1. You don’t want that love anymore 2. You are already in love with someone else, who you apparently forgot to tell her that I even existed 3. Had fallen in love with said person while (and you were working together, who btw is half your age, has a boyfriend, lives hours away at college, and as of a few days ago was nothing to you just like the years that we spent together are nothing now) you were still trying to convince me that you were in love with me 4 when you got caught you immediately acted like our love was nothing an I was a crazy axe murdering ex 5. you broke my fucking soul 6. I have a lifetime to live without you.

I have been trying to process all of that and have done an okay job because I am still fucking here alive and, barely, breathing. I have had moments of darkness that I won’t even write here because I don’t want to remember them, I have had moments of weakness and heartache that has brought me to my knees, I have cried until I literally have nothing to cry- no voice, no tears, no strength, I have begged to gods that I don’t even know if I believe in, but never once did I think I would do all of this for you to come in and play your game for a few weeks, spew some lies, break some more promises, and take the tiny bit of light that I had left and then turn your back on me and go back to her…

Never did I think that.

And that is all I can assume btw… Is that for some reason you and her were having a ‘moment’ and you came to me because you were lonely and horny and you knew that my love was a sure thing…

You disgust me.

The way that you use my love and lie to and about me, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I loved you. I thought we were going to spend forever together. I was willing to give up things and sacrifice things I never thought I would because I believed in a love you lie and diminish to nothing. I was going to do all of these things and so much more for you, for someone who would treat me the way you did that terrible night in July only to come back months later profess love, whisper promises, make love, and then leave with a ‘it went too far’….

Did you know that everyfuckingtime you say you love me I believe you?

Do you know that everyfuckingtime I say it I mean it? EVERYTIME!!

Do you care how long it took me to come the little bit that I have without you only for you to swoop in for a few days to mind fuck me and then leave with nothing.. well nothing but a text saying, I just wanted to say hi I’m sorry it went to far…

What the fuck does that even mean?

You wanted to say hi but you took it too far by weeks?

Does that really mean that someone called you out on talking to me again?

Did you lie about me again? Did you say that I am nothing and no one, that we barely talk and sometimes text? But do you tell them when we do text and talk it’s because you contact me, and the things you say are only things you would say and do with a lover? Do you take any accountabilty for the love you supposedly have for me?

I didn’t think so.

But if you can put on this act that you were so madly in love with me for so many years I’m pretty sure you can convince some teenager that you’re love is everlasting and you are nothing but faithful and you can’t live without her and you would give up so much for her and because of her.

I wonder if when she denies you she gets the texts and voicemails about how you are going to end it, how you have the ‘tools’ ready? Because the few times you thought I was denying or I actually did you were quick to send how you nothing was worth it and you were ready to end it. Why would you do that to me?

Do you mind fuck her the way you do me?

Or do you just straight out lie to her?

I will never get the answers to my questions….and even if I do all the answers you give are LIES.

Baby you’re no good for me… But baby I want you, I want you.

image

Do you ever have the kind of night where no matter what you do/read/watch/listen to there is no distracting your mind, the kind of night when you find yourself looking at the numbers on the clock slowly passing until its no longer night but has somehow turned to dawn.

Last night was one of those nights.

I literally spent the night reading/pacing the house/crying/sobbing until the clock read past 7 am and I was finally , due to the kindle battery dying, forced to sleep because exhaustion finally settled in.

I slept for about 3 hours before I woke again.

To repeat pretty much the same process all over again, distracting my thoughts and wasting time until night fell and I could spend the hours repeating this nightmare.

I don’t think I will ever be over US.

I don’t think I will ever not feel the loss of our love like an ache in my bones.

I’ll never fall sleep without wondering if your sleeping next to someone else.

I fear you will always be my last thought at night and my first in the morning.

I have come to accept it.

I have learned how to survive with emptiness in my soul.

And I hate every fucking second of it.

I somehow survived almost a half of a year without you, and it’s drained the little life that I had left from me.

I started this days ago, like most things I write now.

I am writing now because I might lose it if I don’t. How do I describe the things that I am feeling?

Do I describe them? Or do I just ignore them and pretend like I’m not feeling anything? That is probably what I should do, I should ignore the fire that is streaking through my core.

But I can’t.

I’ve never been able to ignore anything about you, or US. So why start now?

I’m going to claim it.

I feel like my soul has huge gaping wounds that are oozing and feel on fire. I did it to myself. I allowed you in and I am taking full responsibility for all the terrible I feel.

But does it make the terrible hurt any less?

Of course fucking not.

It’s such a scary hurt now. It’s a hollow/empty ache from the core of my being. There is a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing difficult. The emptiness in my soul makes the beating of my heart feel like it’s an echo in a canyon.

The difference is there are no questions racking around. I have all the answers I need in the actions and words from the last few interactions.

I will never be more than a way to fill your time.

And you will forever own a piece of my soul.

I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

image

I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…

I’m not afraid… I’m terrified, and for good reason.

unicorn

I’ve made very poor decisions where you’re concerned lately and I’m paying the price.

I was weak and stupid to fall for your games again.

But I have spent so many sleepless nights without you that it was so so so so very easy to fall into the fakeness of US, too fucking easy.

I thought it was going okay at first, I was able to maintain as long as we kept everything in the present, here today right this second. If you started talking about missing US or what we used to be I had to shut it down immediately, there was no way I could handle that, but as long as we focused only on the right now I was okay (and I usually the term okay loosely).

But then after a few days of okay I slipped easily back into our old ways, your whispers were too easy to fall into, you knew exactly the right things with your late night flirting and phone calls. You answered when I called you for the first time in over a year. You sent funny sexy messages throughout the day.

And then at the worst possible time you dropped it….

You called me by her name, ‘$&#!@ (insert fucking your new love’s name here) come home to me, come home to me…’ and my whole fucking world shattered, the tiny pieces of hope that remained for our love disappeared in a flash, like a a nuclear war bomb was dropped and incinerated everything US that had survived the first terrible attack on US. Gone.

The breath and life was sucked from me the instant the words slipped from your mouth.

Time stopped.

My heart stopped.

But the words coming from your mouth didn’t stop.

I’ve been numb since.

I don’t know how to stop the words from playing over and over in my head. I can’t stop the words you whispered from screaming over and over.Your frantic pleas to her, completely lost in the lust that you have for her not even realizing that I existed let alone that I was the person with you NOT HER!!

I know now there is no way anyone could ever hurt me anymore than I am now. I find an odd comfort knowing that I can’t be anymore broken, no one can hurt me now because there is absolutely nothing left of me.

You took everything from me.

You have left me with nothing.

Well nothing but the truth that I was never what you wanted; that I was never going to be your forever.

And that hurt will last my lifetime.

A love everlasting… just my fcking luck.

image

I have tried to write many times but everything is always so jumbled that I can hardly stay on one subject long enough to make sense. So I usually give up on that post and then when I’m in the mood to write again I just start another, I rarely go back to old writings and rewrite it feels to fake for me.

Anywhoo…

I would love to write about how fixed I am.

I wish I was able to paint a beautiful picture of happy ever after and butterflies.

But that just doesn’t exist anymore.

There is no happy ever after.

Heartache and brokenness is what there is.

I can go longer stretcher of time without falling to the ground with sadness. I can carry on a conversation and remain focus and an active part of it, most of the time. I can listen to music without it feeling like it’s tearing into my soul.

I still can’t sleep without you. I still don’t feel anything without you. I still long for your touch and crave your love. I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face, my heart racing, and my soul aching. It has taken me a long time to not reach out to you in some way after an episode like that. I have had a few instances where the hurt and sadness is too much and so in my moment of weakness I have reached out but they are nothing like the 1,293,234,212 messages I would send a day. I have only called once or twice in almost half of a year and then it was only out of panic because I forgot what your voice sounded like and I scrambled to dial your number and listen to your voicemail pick up.

Yea, I’m just as pathetically in love with you as ever.

I’m just better at living with the truth that we will never be US again.

It’s been one of the biggest adjustments of my life learning to accept that no matter how bad I want and love US there is nothing anyone can do to fix US.

I wish I could write about how all of these months without every day it was easier and easier but that would complete bullshit.

I feel totally opposite. I think that each day that has passed has hurt more than the last. Each day that I have lived since you walked away has sadly taken me one step farther away from the love that I thought would last a lifetime. Every night I have to lay my head down on a pillow knowing that you are choosing to lay yours down next to someone else. Every breath is a reminder that you’re not mine.

There has been nothing good or better from the days/weeks/months that you have been gone.

I no longer believe that time heals all.

I believe that time only numbs you from the hurt I will eternally feel in depths of my soul from the loss of you.

Nothing will ever take that away.

There is not enough time in existence to take away the hurt I will forever feel without you.

I will always long to be wrapped in your love. I will forever fall to exhaustion (sleep you might call it) hoping to meet you in my dreams where I know that the love of US will always live. Your voice whispering sweet nothings and naughty promises will always be something I wish of. Not being able to look up and see you with your bright blue eyes and your bigger than life smile will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I truly believe that the love of US will never fade.

And neither will the hurt.

Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ‘em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

Posting again from writings of weeks gone by… I don’t know why it takes me so long to post now.

our lives unravel

 

 

I have spent months without you now.

I have spent weeks trying to convince my heart and soul that it’s okay to move on and try to fit the pieces back together.

It isn’t really working.

Nothing really works.

At the end of the day everything comes back to you.

The words spoke weren’t from your mouth so they rushed right by.

The body didn’t belong to you so I am touched without feeling a fucking thing.

The promises and love professed was not from you so they might have well just not been said.

Just when I think I got this and that I am going to survive this… I am slammed with the reality that I have a whole lifetime left without you.

I remember that I have to go an eternity without feeling your love.

And then I can’t breathe.

I struggle to find the strength to carry on.

I search for the reasoning behind the universe bringing you into my life and showing me what it felt like to find someone that is a part of your soul… only to rip you away from me.

Was it a tease?

Were you testing me Universe? Did you want to see if I was able to love from the depths of my soul? Did I pass? Did you get what you wanted from this? Can you share with me the answers that I have spent too many sleepless nights searching for?

No?

Yea, I didn’t think so.

Because I don’t think there are answers to any of my questions.

Except one.

The only answer I come back to every time is that…

None of this was real.

All of this was just a made up story tale with the most tragic ending possible.

A soul shattered and destroyed beyond recognition.

I am so scared I wont be able to find enough pieces that are salvageable. It’s almost like there aren’t any pieces to look for because all that is left has been incinerated and what is left is barely recognizable like the sandy ash that is left behind; the kind that looks sturdy and solid but if you touch it everything slowly starts to crumble in on it’s self because it’s empty inside.

That’s me…

Empty inside.

And I doubt you even remember I existed.

This is what 4 weeks & 3 days looked like without you… It took me about that long to post it too.

 

i hate love

 

I’m finding myself with a few moments to myself so of course I am going to take the time to write or at least try to…

I have been writing and not posting a lot lately. Mostly because it doesn’t really matter anymore and it doesn’t make me feel better.

I don’t even know how long it has been since we ‘broke up’ but it feels like forever.

Thinking about it I guess we haven’t been for 9 plus months according to you and the story you tell everyone close to you.

But for me… even though I have felt that you have been gone for almost that long I didn’t completely feel it in my soul until about 4 weeks 3 days ago… pathetic.

I’m so sidetracked I can’t keep my thoughts in order.

The only thing I know is that what I am feeling, or not feeling, in my soul is not describable. There are hardly words for the way that deep inside I feel nothing. I can only describe it as my soul because even though I hurt physically from you leaving the missing you comes from someplace so much deeper.

And you’re gone.

You ignited an inferno like the wildest out of control forest fire in the thickest of Amazon jungles immediately engulfing any and everything around it incinerating it to nothing.

And that is what I feel without you.

Nothing.

But you don’t even notice I’m gone.

You barely even remember loving me…

And that super fucking sucks…

 

Just Remember

Originally posted on Scribbler Café:

Can you see me? I am here. I’ve been here all along. I see you crying out for me as you clutch my jacket to your chest and breathe in my scent.
Can you feel me? I am holding your face. I feel your heart hurting when you think of me. I feel your chest tighten when you realize it’s been so long without me.
Can you hear me? I am telling you there will be rest. I hear you whispering my name in your sleep, your voice cracking under the weight of your grief.

Just remember. I am here. I am holding your face. I am telling you there will be rest.

View original

I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

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