Apparently the holiday season brings out the worst in me. I feel the most insecure and needy during this time of year. It doesn’t help that you are pulling your usual, ‘missing in action’ bullshit. I’m so over it. I wish I could just convince myself to actually walk the fuck away and not be so weak when it comes to you. But no… I still find myself hanging on your every word, waiting for a text, hoping it’s you that is calling when my phone rings…
Seriously? How can I still be writing the same bullshit years later?
Oh yea I know why… I’m stupid.
I’m constantly looking for the love you used to show me. I’m wishing and hoping that all the amazing you made me feel at one time was not a lie and really did exist. It’s been so long since I felt the amazing-ness you used to bring that if it wasn’t for this blog I wouldn’t believe it ever really existed. I have gone back and read a few post from the past, not in quite awhile, just to convince myself that US was real.
Will you ever really walk away? Will we just continue down this fucked up path, that is more like a roundabout, for eternity? Will we find the love that we once had? Is it lost forever? Were we just too stupid and naïve to believe we could ever make it? Was it all a dream? Did the you I fell in love with ever exist? Will you ever be more than just an almost lover?
Too many questions for one night. Think I will try to distract myself with some reading…
Wish me luck…
Posted by moon lover on November 25, 2013
My, oh my, where do I begin? It has been forever and a day it seems like since I have sat down to write on something other than my cell phone. I have finally given in, with a ton of begging and pleading from the little ones, to have internet back in the house. I am also hoping that it will help me regain what little bit of sanity I have left, if there is any…
I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m pretty much just testing out the waters to see if writing is still going to bring me the peace that it used to. It’s been so long that I wonder if I am even capable of expressing myself the way I once did. Pandora is definitely helping me right now. I forgot how much I missed just letting my fingers fly over the keyboard and do what they do best while music plays in the background.
Well, I should jump in the shower and put an end to a long day. I’m sure there will be plenty of time to catch up on all the craziness that I have not been able to put down here.
All in good time I suppose.
Goodnight my Moon…
Posted by moon lover on November 20, 2013
I was weak and stupid and now I’m more broken then I could ever imagine. I’ve always been weak when it comes to your love. I have so much to get out but writing on my phone makes it difficult. Might be time to break out the laptop and fire up the keyboard because if I don’t I’m scared of what will happen. I’ve never felt so used and lied to before…
Deep down i always thought you were my one. I always thought we were meant to be.
I’ve never felt so wrong.
The worst part is there is no angry to help with this hurt and sadness… just completely broken hearted.
Posted by moon lover on September 30, 2013
As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.
It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).
I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.
And it’s not going to be you. Or US.
And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.
I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:
Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.
I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.
After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.
I hope you miss me.
I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…
Posted by moon lover on April 5, 2013
I needed you. I always need you. But we don’t always get what we want. Unless we are taking about you, in that case you apparently get whatever it is you want with whoever it is you’re wanting it with.
It’s ok. I always knew, deep down, you were full of shit. Your countless lies, never ending excuses..
Ugh you make me sick.
I’m so glad I am finally seeing you for what you are.
Posted by moon lover on April 5, 2013
I was sitting down to write and the stopped to check out stats, bad idea. I noticed a post titled, An early morning Miss List, had received quite a few hits. I of course clicked on it because, as with most things I write, I had no memory of writing or titling it so, of course I had to read what I wrote. Upon further inspection I realized I wrote it July 12th of last year. July 12th is a very special day to me, it’s her birthday and I miss her so much.
I, still, don’t remember writing it but everything I missed I still do.
I’m sorry it’s almost a year later and not much has changed.
I love you more. I miss you more. I need you more.
Everything else is pretty much the same.
Posted by moon lover on March 16, 2013