It took hours to find the words… I don’t got anything left for a title.

image

I’ve been sitting here for awhile now and all I do is delete everything I’ve typed.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s all the same.

I’m hurt, missing you, wanting you, crying for you, blah fuckity blah blah…

I don’t know who I am anymore.

If I was insecure before then I wonder what you would call what I am now. I can only explain it as broken.

I feel like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to take a compliment. I turn awkward and sound rude because I don’t believe it. I feel like they are trying to make me feel better and that they are not sincere. I can’t understand what they could possibly see in me when you see nothing at all. I’m so bad at it that I have had someone tell me to stop, that I’m beautiful and funny and sexy and smart and I need to start seeing it and accept it. I don’t even know how I responded to him but I know all I was thinking was that I wish it had been you saying it.

I’m sure I won’t speak to him again for months….

Sadly, I’m okay with that.

It’s you I want.

Pathetic…

You came back and we live happily ever after… April Fools

image

I’m convinced you do things just to hurt me now. You don’t want to take the time to answer the phone when I call or to respond to a text I send but you will take the time to record a video to send to me with the message attached ‘here babe’…

Seriously?!

That is what I am worth to you now? You want to throw a 2 minute video to me satisfy me for a while so I leave you alone?

Well you got what you wanted.

I’m leaving you alone.

I will no longer sit here and try to convince you of my love. I have done everything I could. I have begged and cried. I have told you I’m sorry over and over.

You didn’t care. You don’t care.

4 months is a long time.

Long enough to decide if someone is worth fighting for.

Years from now when we look back at this time in our lives I can honestly say that I fought for US as hard as I could. I held on for as long as could kicking and screaming.

Will  you be able to say the same thing?

Say Something… I’m giving up on You.

time to let go

I had spent a little time this morning writing. But then I remembered that you don’t care anymore. I remembered that we spent time talking a few days ago and I told you exactly how I felt and how much I hurt and loved you, well I pretty much had word vomit all over you, but you didn’t care. It didn’t bother you at all. I doubt you even stopped doing whatever you were doing to even have the conversation we had. I questioned whether you even heard most of what I was saying.

You’re done with me.

You have moved past US.

You love me and will forever BUT you can’t see yourself with anyone else ever again.

I call bullshit.

I’m not even worth the effort it takes to answer a call or send a response text.  But I am more than sure that you have spent more effort and time interacting with other people.

I wonder when you tell people that you can’t sleep if you tell them you can’t sleep because you are supposed to be sleeping with me. You don’t. Most of them don’t even know I exist.

It hurts.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of missing you and hurting.

You might decide someday that letting me go was a mistake; what will you feel when you realize I’m not coming back? Will it kill you to know that I was yours but you tossed me aside and decided that I wasn’t worth your time anymore?

This song has been running through my head for days now and it just happened to finally pop up on Pandora so I’m going to let it finish my post for me.

I think it says it beautifully….

Say Something…. A Great Big World

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

 

Ugh….

heart gone

I’m so sad.

I can’t seem to stop the tears today. It’s been raining like crazy today, the big fat drops that are my favorite, and I am enjoying watching them and listening to them.

Why aren’t you as easy to forget as I was?

Insomnia writing… What 4am in my head looks like.

image

 

I’m so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open. Do you think that stopped your text messages from replaying over and over in my mind…

Yea, not at all.

Should I be mad that they last few times you have attempted to call you have been either angry or distant?

Am I mad that instead of telling me how you miss me you’re telling me how you’re horny and how I don’t miss you blah blah…?

Probably not.

I’m probably just trying to ignore the tickling in my belly from getting anything from you. I’m fighting the tingle that you, no matter why or for how long, were thinking of me enough too even message me at all.

It’s not getting easier btw. It’s getting harder the longer it is. It’s hurting more the longer I go without hearing you. Thoughts of you moving on and finding someone else cut through me like hot knives. Thinking of you making someone else feel the way you made me feel takes my breath away. Knowing you will find someone else and give them the love that was supposed to be mine hurts in a way nothing else has.

Let’s not get into that tonight tho. I think it’s slumber time here, as it is finally silent in my house.

At least for now..

Nighty night.

Moment of weakness… pathetic I know.

image

I had a moment of panic yesterday morning. I couldn’t remember what you sounded like. I couldn’t remember your voice. I waited until I was pretty sure you were at work and I called, hoping for once that you really didn’t answer,  that at least your voicemail would pick up.

I could listen to your voice, be reminded, and hang up with no harm done. My plan worked.

Almost.

Until you called back and then left a voice mail.

Knives in my heart.

I was then tortured with your voice, on repeat about a hundred times, I was so saddened by how distant you sounded. It was almost like I was listening to your voicemail.

I could tell right then I’d lost you.

You’re gone. Not mine.

And it hurts so fucking bad.
 

I’m only HUMAN…

easy to let go

 

 

Making it through in a foggy haze… barely.

image

It’s happening again… it’s that time of night, I’m starting to feel that tightness in my throat and that hurt in my chest.
It sucks.
Who can sleep when they can hardly take a breath?
This is where the sadness sets in because I start thinking about how you’re not experiencing any of this shit, you don’t have to wonder what I’m doing or who I’m with or why I would leave you or wonder if I’d ever be coming back because you chose this. You get to be with whoever you choose to be with, it’s just not me. You decided that forever was up and you were out of here…
We’re entering into the anger part of the night and frankly I’m just too fucking sad to get into that right now.
Right now all that matters is that I miss you, I miss being loved…
Ok.
I’m checking out for the night. Soggy pillows make for the worst bed fellows…

How much will you regret when you realize I’m gone?

fall apart

I’m sad to say that I’m beginning to realize that, though I will be pretty fucking sad, I’m going to make it out of US… alive.

I was attempting to sleep and my mind began to wonder. I was trying to remember how long it had been since I had spoke to you. I couldn’t remember. I am pretty sure I can say it’s been weeks now since we’ve talked. That led to me to thinking about how it really has been weeks since we’ve talked and how before I knew it would be months and then years since we’ve talked…

I started to panic. My heart started to race and my nose burned and I was choking to hold back the sobs. How could this be my life right now? Where did we go so drastically wrong? What happened? How did I go from being a part of your daily life to being nothing?

Seriously.

This all just happened. I am actually coming to terms with how my life is going to be without you. I’m realizing that even though it hurts like a fucking bitch I’m still going to live it. And I’m going to try my damnedest to find the joy in every second. I’m sorry you chose to not live those seconds with me. I was so sure you were going to…

Anyways.

I had to get out of bed and escape the dark and silence as quickly as possible. But I’m not able to escape the thoughts of missing you. I’m not able to hide from the hurt I feel as I slowly let you go.

I want to write more. I am barely able to keep my eyes open but I’m sure as soon as I hit the pillow thoughts of you will rush back in and, well, you know how that cycle goes.

So, I’m off to attempt sleep. I’m hoping I will be lulled to sleep by 4 of my favorite Girls who just happened to be Golden because you know how much I love me some Rose.

Hoping sleep finds me soon…

Where’s my fucking rose?! I hate roses anyways.

killed inside

I have read your email countless times tonight. I don’t know how to process it.

I have so much to say tonight.

I seriously feel like I could get my write on right now but life has other ideas for me. And I don’t know if I should write anymore, apparently it pisses you off?

Why?

You left me. You ditched me when I needed you most.

But it’s okay. I was pretty shitty to you too.

Sorry.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 240 other followers