I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.
Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.
I feel like the words to describe
our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily, almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of a truly amazing love story.
But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.
It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable. I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.
That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…
I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.
I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.
Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…
I call BULLSHIT!!
You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ‘em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.
I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.
I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.