So I’ve been told not to blog.
I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.
You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.
I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.
It was amazing.
I wasn’t searching for you.
None of your features were blurred.
It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.
We weren’t fighting.
We weren’t hiding from anyone.
You didn’t reject me.
We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.
It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.
I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.
It was amazing.
I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.
I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.
So I did.
And now this.
Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.
But I didn’t.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I’m weak when it comes to your love.
I will fall for it everytime.
I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)
I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.
You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.
So who are you lying to?
There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.
What is it?
You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.
Who would I tell?
I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?
And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?
Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?
I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.
I started this last night.
As we were arguing via text.
Before you text me and called me.
Before we Skype’d.
Before we spent time just being US.
Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.
Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.
I miss that so bad.
I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.
I missed the way you make me laugh.
I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.
I’m sure it was a mistake.
I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.
I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.
I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.
I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.
I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.
And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.
On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!