You really love fucking with me huh?
Just when I think that I might start having my ducks in a row and the planets are starting to align or blah fuckity blah blah, you throw me a fucking curveball I could never have seen coming.
I don’t know how to write about it yet. If I write about it then it becomes more real. If I put words to it then I give it life and this is something that does not deserve life. I deserve life. I keep telling myself that. I am more scared than I have been in forever. I don’t know how I am going to last the next few weeks and then I will have even more time to wait for results.
I’m not sleeping.
I’m hardly eating.
I had a few moments of weakness the last 48 hours and reached out to a few people. I don’t expect people to be there but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hope that they are…
I can proudly say that I did not at all reach out to Moon. And that is a feat in itself! Don’t get me wrong there was a moment (or hours but who’s counting) when my heart was racing and the blood was rushing through my ears so loud I couldn’t hear anything and for those moments I wanted to reach out to Moon and in the past I would have. I would have dialed his number at the very, very least but this time I didn’t.
This time I sat with my fear/sadness/anger/anxiety and I remembered a time when I could reach out to Moon and he would have loved me back to sanity saying ‘it didn’t matter what the tests say or what parts of me they have to take he would still be here loving me, whole or in pieces’. The tears ran as I imagined how at one time I truly thought I had the Clyde to my Bonnie and how we could have conquered this evil together. I cried for the loss of amazing we made. I cried for the love I miss so badly.
So quick reality was to knock me back down. Moon isn’t here. He doesn’t care. He can’t love away this ugly. He can’t whisper my anxiety to silence.
I didn’t text/call/message at all.
I just let myself feel everything that was attacking me at once and rode them out.
I felt every single emotion to the center of my core.
And I did it without a ‘partner’. I did it without Moon. I never thought there would be a time/crisis that I didn’t crumble without him. And I am okay with that. I am more than Okay with that. I feel a tiny bit of proud in these moments of terror for not being weak like so many think I am.
The ones I leaned on did/said the right thing, which sometimes just meant they sat there and watched/listened to me cry. I didn’t get any fake or phony, I received love/honesty/support.
I don’t know how I am going to make it through these next few weeks. But I’m terrified for them to pass. Every minute that goes is one closer to a reality that I am not ready to accept. I feel so alone.