Letter 1 to the Universe. ..

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I just want him back. . I just want a few more minutes/hours/days/weeks to soak up all the US that would last a lifetime.

Sometimes I just want to be reminded that I didn’t make him up. I can’t remember his voice and that makes me panic because maybe I imagined all the love I felt.

Sometimes I think that there will never be another soul that awakens the parts of me that Moon did. I imagine a life where the body I’m with doesn’t do a thing to connect with my soul,  and maybe that is because Moon always will own the power that ignites my soul.

Please let me sleep. .

Reality…

moon lover:

Oh how reality crashes. .

Originally posted on chicpress:

Sometimes I think i’m fine..
I think my world is completely normal..
Content even.. 
That I might even be happy one day..
But then reality crashes over me..
And i realize the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
All that is left is a dark void..

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My first post ‘about’ Moon and not ‘to’ Moon… Oh the times they are a changin’.

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Oh my where to begin?

Do I begin?

I’ve been struggling a lot with that, do I begin writing to you again?

I kind of feel the need to but at the same time I have no desire to write/talk/text/communicate with you at all anymore, but my soul well, my soul has other ideas. It found comfort in being able to just get whatever was happening out and it just so happened that I would do all of my ‘getting out’ to you..

But you don’t care anymore. And I don’t care to ‘get out’ to you but I still feel the need to ‘get out’.

Lost you yet?

Sorry I guess what I am trying to say write is that I am just gonna keep writing here but I won’t really be ‘writing to you’ anymore.

I’m just going to be writing to the universe.

And I’m going to that writing here.

I just don’t have the time to put into making a new blog that feels like home like this one does. I’m convinced that you no longer read this anymore anyway so it won’t matter.

Anywhooo…

After all that stupid explaining.. of nothing, I don’t remember what I was saying or where I was going with this and I’m nervous if I stop now this will just end up another draft in my overflowing Drafts Folder and it will be long forgotten like so many others.

Hmmm….

It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I kinda forget how to do it ha.. I think I might try to put on some music and see where it takes me..

Well I never had the chance to put on music. This post has just sat here unwritten all day, haunting me…

I’m gonna try again…

It’s just so unnatural to write to anyone or anything other than Moon, I’ve spent so long pouring my everything out to him that I don’t how to vent without him. You see, I have spent so much of myself (all of my time) on loving him and US that I have forgotten who I am without him.

I am slowly finding myself.

I’m hoping that with time this will become easier and less awkward but for now I will just try to power through the awkwardness.

I miss him..

I try to convince myslef that I don’t.

I try to remind myself why it will never be with him.

It helps. Most of the time.

But every once in awhile I just miss him so much it takes my breath away, tears sting my eyes, my heart races, and time stands still while the hurt rushes over me.

I’m way better at fighting the hurt now days.

I am quicker at recovering and ignoring the hurt.

But it is still there.

I wonder when I will stop thinking about him.

I wonder when it will truly not hurt to think of how happy his life is without me in it.

I wish for the time that any happy that I feel is not immediately followed by thoughts of US and how we should have been the ones feeling this happy I feel.

I will I ever get over that I wasn’t good enough for him?

I wasn’t going to spend my time whining to him but I guess it doesnt really count if I’m whining ‘about’ him and not ‘to’ him right?

Because no matter what Moon will always be a part of my life/soul. Even if I never see him on this earth again I will forever be bound to his soul.

And he to mine.

two years

moon lover:

I never thought my body would every forget you or respond to another. .

I was wrong. And I’m so glad that I was.

I didn’t know if or how to write about it but I didn’t have to think about it someone else already said what i needed to.

Originally posted on memory of crows:

for the first time
in two years
i allowed someone else
someone other than you
to love me

he took me by my hand
and led me to the bed
with the same urgency
you once did

with the same hot desire
you had for me

i learned that my body
responds

that my body forgets you

when it is entangled
with some one elses

no

no one will ever be you

but i finally discovered
that i can
live without you
when i never thought i could

when you have been hurt
so many times
by the same person

even your body lets them go

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I haven’t cried for US in almost a week now, you don’t linger in my every thought… I’m finally letting you go like you did to me so many moons ago.

see that girl I’m eating popcorn and Butterfinger Bites washing em down with good ol’ h2O while watching the Bachelor.

Don’t judge.

I’m trying not to hate on love.

I’m trying not to hate on you. I think it’s working, for the most part. I mean.. I still haven’t really shed any tears for you/US. I still feel ‘okay’.

I have dreamt of you the last several nights. They have been odd. I don’t really remember much about them, I know that we are not a couple usually. For the first time in forever when I wake up I’m not begging and screaming for you, there aren’t tears running down my face and I’m not gasping for breath.

But the sadness is still there sometimes.

These feelings of ‘okay’ are so taboo for me that I am silently waiting for all the pain/tears/hurt/sadness/darkness from the loss of US to come slamming back but I kinda don’t think it will and I am more than ready to accept that.

I can finally see a future without you in it. I can finally see a day where I’m not looking/waiting for you every second.I have finally went days without crying for you. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

My soul screams sad.

My mind longs for happy.

I’m not feeling anything.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m hoping by letting go of you and feeling everything without trying to deny or ignore I’m going to be able to love better after this.

One of my biggest fears is I won’t be able to love again. But i think by doing this the right way and not running and pretending to love the closest thing i can, that in the end the love i will be able to offer will be real honest and true.

I won’t tell someone they’re my everything and my world, that i couldn’t live without them or imagine a world without our love only to tell someone else those exact same things almost simultaneously, like you did.

The next time i tell those things to someone I’ll mean them.

Just like i did with you every time i said them, right up until you finally got caught and had to tell me you’d been lying and cheating on me. And still even after, when my heart and soul wouldn’t give up and the love we shared still lingered, I meant it then too. I always have and always will.

I think I’m ‘okay’ only when you’re out of sight/out of mind. . . And you’re rarely out of mind.

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I have been sitting here thinking of so much to write but really I don’t have anything to write here. I don’t feel anything when it comes to US anymore.

I honestly never thought that day would come. I hoped and wished for this day to come every second since that summer night that my world came shattering down, but I truly never thought it would really come. I kinda always thought that I would hang on to this sad love story forever but I guess the time has come.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there will be days or moments that the realization of losing you brings me to my knees or tears will spring to my eyes, but on the daily I feel nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

I have spent so much time and energy the last few years on the love that I had for you/us that I almost forgot what life was like without you in it. I literally had to train myself to not make choices with you/us in mind. I had to constantly remind myself that you didn’t want me anymore. Over and over I had to stop myself from reaching out to you. For months when the phone rang or text came I wished it would be from you. You had become such a huge part of my world that it has taken more time than I would like to admit for me to accept your gone.

But the day has come.

I wonder if that makes you happy? I wonder if you even remember I exist. And then I immediately try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I will never know the answers to those or any other questions I still have and oddly I am totally okay with that.

I am okay without you.

And then. . It’s 2am and I’m staring into the dark and it’s not long before the sadness creeps in and I’m reminded that I’m nothing to you. .

And well, that hurts a little more than I remember and now I find it difficult to remind myself that I’m okay without your love.

Are you okay without mine? Do you even remember what my love felt like? Was I not good enough at loving you? Why was my love not good enough for you? Will my love be good enough for anyone? Could anyone love me? Does it matter if they can because I don’t think I have any love left to give anyone. I guess that is kind of a good thing because that means no one can hurt me the way you have ever again.

Right? !

Yea.. so apparently it’s one of those nights.

Fuck nuggets I was hoping the okay would have held out a little longer than half a post. FML

Welcome to Ravings Of A Lonely Utah Man, and the 5 REAL Stages Of A Breakup From The Man’s Perspective

moon lover:

36 hours is all i had to win you back. . But i didn’t even find out for almost 36 weeks and you’d already fallen in love with her.

I never had a chance.

Fuckingfuckfuckfuck.

Utah man where were you a year ago? Darn it. Better late than never. At least now I’m schooled for the future.

Thanks

Originally posted on Ravings Of A Lonely Utah Man:

What I am going to tell you is that I’m someone who’s been way too lonely for way too long. This is a sort of online journal for my (mis)adventures in trying to heal a broken heart. I say (mis) because, let’s face it, I’m a guy and so I’ll probably fuck this up at least 20 times before I get it right. But, hey, there’s an upside for you in this, because you get to see it all play out more or less as it happens!

So, let’s start at the beginning.

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up in October. I moved out, found my own place, and life moved on. Unfortunately for me, I met a really, REALLY great woman immediately after. Like, that same week.

What I saw...
What I saw…

Who thought I…

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So apparently all is only good until I tap into any sort of real memory of you or US, then all bets are off and there is no stopping the hurt… Looks like we’re riding this one out, yay.

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How come when you told me forever it was bullshit but somehow I’m supposed to believe when you tell her forever you mean it?

Why is it different?

Why?

Why why why why why why why why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.

How am I supposed to accept that?

Why can’t I accept that?

At least I’m not struggle to write/breathe/see ect all through tears because usually that is how a post like this would go. But now, well now I only want the answers I don’t have the longing to fix US like I used to. I have at least finally accepted the fact that there isn’t now and is never going to be an US, and that was a hard fucking one to accept. I literally fought accepting that one tooth and nail, I was determined to not let the love that you and I made go, but somehow in all these moons I have found some sort of sick peace with it.

I don’t think that means now or ever will mean that I am okay with the loss of US but no longer am I paralyzed by the fear and hurt of the loss.

I will forever miss your baby blues, your whispers, your smile, your love, your soul, your naughty, your nice, your recipe advice, your laugh, your passion, your caring, your words, your promises, your love of video games, your drunken late night calls. I will always remember the way your whole face would light up in smile when our eyes would meet and the way I felt it in my soul.

Okay I have to stop now because the tears have somehow found their way back and I have to stop before the reminder of what was or could have been breaks me, again.

Started writing this 22 hours ago. . At least that’s what the Draft said.

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The ‘okay’ is still holding on. I think I just might be accepting the loss of you, finally. I have been ‘slapped in the face’ with some pretty ugly truths about you and her recently (I’m pretty sure the universe hates me) and I have not shed one tear. It may be that I have shed all the tears that I could for you but I believe it has more to do with my soul accepting you’re not ours anymore.

I would be lying if I said that it didn’t still hurt but I was not paralyzed by it, albeit a little disgusted okay a LOT disgusted but other than that there was no emotion attached to you. I am starting to slowly piece together the person you are and I am so thankful I am able to see the full you before it was too late. Thankfully I didn’t marry you before I found out how full of shit you are.

I don’t want to turn this into a hate/anger blog because I honestly don’t want to waste anymore energy on you. You know all the terrible shitty things you did to me. You know how you lied and used me for years. You know the words you said and the promises you made, they came out of your fucking mouth or were typed from your fingers.

And most of all you know how I loved all of you, all of the good the bad and the ugly. You were my forever. I loved you at your darkest. And always would have.

But it’s whatever now.

None of that matters.

It is what it is. And it’s in the past.

And I will not let my past define my future..

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The love I had for you was unreal. I have never felt another love like it. It was comparable to the love that I have for my littles and that scares me because I love them more than I love myself.

Which is probably why I was so broken when you left.

I read at night when I can’t sleep and I have turned to reading articles/blogs/books about love and loss.

I lost you.

When you left the man I knew and fell in love with died. He was no longer. And it has taken me way too fucking long to let it go. But I am slowly accepting that I will love again, without you. I am kinda starting to be able to breathe again without struggling. I think of you less and less. I don’t feel butterflies and tingles when I see of picture of you anymore. If I see a pic I barely recognize the man looking back because I don’t know this new you and there is hardly anything ‘you’ that remains. If it weren’t for your baby blues I would be convinced it wasn’t you but I would know your eyes anywhere, I’ll never forget them.

I’m sure that you have long forgotten any and everything me but for the first time that thought doesn’t hurt me deep in my core like it used too. Now I am able to just be okay with you moving on. I know the hurt is still there, it will be forever, but I am able to move freely and not be paralyzed by it.

I don’t know if this is real but I hope that it remains.

I hope I am able to keep accepting and moving on from the loss of US.

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