Same hurt… Different day.

Dear Universe,

I can only get so far into our story before the emotions take over and the hurt makes it too hard to continue. I always have great intentions of sitting down and getting out as much of the crazy as possible but I usually fall so deep down the rabbit hole so quickly that before I know it there’s too much sadness to see through and it is just too difficult to go on.

I am always shocked and surprised how long the hurt sticks around. Also how time is not your friend in any way during the ‘first’s’ of any heart ache. Time is supposed heal but all it does is remind how long it has been since I have talked to Him, touched Him, heard from Him… every fucking thing….

I slept in his shirt for two and a half weeks, straight, in the beginning… It was the only was I was able to sleep. I’d pull my legs up into the bottom and take my arms out of the sleeves and basically just wrap myself in Him… I can’t find that shirt now….I have shoved it into the back if my closet at a lame attempt to forget Him. Which is funny now because there was a time that I literally had a panic attack looking for that shirt, I couldn’t sleep without it remember.. pathetic.. I know…

It’s harder the longer it goes. I want to drown myself in memories of you but instead find myself hiding from any sign of you. I found a video of you telling me goodnight, you love me… I’ve watched it until my eyes have nothing left to cry… I’ve also found long lost voicemails from you but I have yet had the courage to listen to any of them. I can’t.

The only time I’m not physically thinking of Him is when the activity I am engaged in requires thought or when I make myself not think of Him. Oh… and in my dreams. I can’t find him anywhere in them and that is terrifying in a whole new way.

I haven’t talked much about our connection but holy banana pancakes it is something I hope everyone gets to experience in their life! I have never been more connected with any other being ( except for the 4 kiddos I grew inside of me but that’s a whole different connection) before. I sound crazy when I say that my soul connected with his but it did. It was like our souls have always known each other and we were just the vessels that finally brought them back together. When I say that I felt Him I did so in a way that is indescribable unless you’ve experienced yourself.

During our relationship when we were in a not good place I could feel it in my being. My soul would ache if He did something and there was no way of me knowing, other than the fact that I could feel that something was not right with us. And when we were good.. well, I could feel that in my soul too. I could always “feel” him, we were always connected. But now it’s a different story..

I actually look for him in my dreams. It’s almost scary how I can’t feel. him at all anymore. Especially in my dreams. And then after a long night of seething my dreams for him I wake up in the night with tears streaming down my face terrified that He won’t be there when I open my eyes… and he’s not.

And then I am quickly reminded of the last few times I was able to doze in his arms, 1 of my favorite spots in this universe… I fit there, perfectly. But that only makes me feel worse… I wont be in those arms again. Never again will I jolt awake from a nightmare to be soothed by Him, his eyes filled with love, his lips full of tender kisses, shushing me back to sleep… those days are gone.

I spend more time than I’d like to admit wondering if He thinks of me. Do I cross his mind? Do small, stupid things remind Him of me? Does He regret walking away from me? Does He wish he would have walked away a long time ago? Will I ever stop loving Him?

I used to tell Him that if anything were to happen and our happily ever after didn’t come that I didn’t want to remain friends with him. I had more than a few freak outs where I was more than adamant that I could and would never be a friend to him if we weren’t an item. I was so wrong. I know that right now is way too soon to try to be anything but I know that someday I hope that we can be something. But could we? I don’t think I could ever look at Him the same way again.

I am always so proud of myself when I have made it through another bout of weakness to reach out to you. Like I deserve a reward of some sort. Like I have proved to you that I can restrain the crazy and not contact you, so now you can just come back.

Every day/hour/minute/second that goes by that I don’t reach out to Him means nothing. It only means time. I keep hoping that I have gone long enough and He misses me too much and that He will just call me. I just want to know how long is long enough? like how long do I have to go before He gives in? And then it hits me… there is no end to this game.

The end has come and gone.

Game over.

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Saying Goodbye hurt… Never saying Hello again is killing me.

Dear Universe,

I’m nervous as I sit down here to write. My hands are trembling and I have butterflies in my belly, I’m a bit nervous, and it actually has nothing to do with my sad and hurting heart. Of course I am sad and broken, otherwise, would I really be here again? Sobbing out all my sorrows to a Universe that could give a flying saucer about me? Yeah, probably not.

This time is different though… I say that a lot I know but this time it is. I have kept to much of what has been going on the last few years to myself. For lots of reasons but mostly because I am so protective of what we found that I didn’t want to put it out in the Universe. I didn’t’ want to share it with anybody. And to be completely honest I was so wrapped up in soaking up every second that we could together that by the time we were apart I was only trying to maintain enough until we could be together again.

Is this where I put in the backstory? Do I even need to put a backstory? Just thinking about having to type out Our Story makes me want to gag because the ending is nothing that I imagined it would be and yet it’s the everything and nothing I knew it’d turn out to be. For the sake of the internet I will put a bit out there…

We met at a time that I was more broken and alone than I had truly ever been. The ugliness that I had been living, since long before Moon made an entrance, had taken a turn for the absolute worst and was at that point in time… non existent. I chose at that time to fill my time with the wonderful world of online dating. Can ya blame a girl? I’m a fool!! Basically after MONTHS of just putzing around and meeting NO ONE, because honestly I had no intention of ever meeting anyone!! I didn’t even entertain the idea of setting up a ‘date’ and the few times that the issue was pressed I moved on and they quickly lost interest.. until 1 night… I was scrolling through old messages and came across a profile I had messaged months before with no response, but after stalking His profile again I decided I was going to send another, “Hey there” message. This time He responded, and there was a moment (a very fucking long one) where I could replay our first conversation over in my head almost verbatim. Partly because we only messaged a few times late into the night the first time and by the next day He had somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee by noon!!!

I have no fucking idea what came over me that day… I probably will never know, at least while I’m walking this earth, but it was one of the BEST and WORST choices I’ve ever made.

I pulled into the parking lot a bundle full of nerves. WTF was I doing?! I was supposed to be filling my lonely nights with some innocent (insert huge eye roll) talk not setting up coffee dates and meeting my soulmate.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I got out of the car. Walked across the parking lot and was greeted with a huge hug by the person who literally completes my soul.

We talked for as long as our busy schedules would allow, said our goodbyes and from that instant on my soul/heart/being was changed.

Within hours we blew off all of our previous schedules. I got a babysitter for my littles and we were back together at Applebee’s bar being the annoying and obnoxious couple that sits on the same side of the booth, staring into each others eyes between horrifying PDA kiss scenes. I actually became that chick at the restaurant that you want to fling your pickles at.

And I didn’t care one little bit.

The only thing I cared about was being as close as humanly possible to Him. We didn’t even have to talk. Sitting next to him with our bodies touching, our lips pressed against each other, and hands intertwined it was like the 2 of us didn’t need to use words to communicate. Our souls were doing all of the connecting and we were just there for the ride.

I have never experienced something like our connection before.

And I know that I never will again.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time. For some freaking reason the Universe was always fucking against us!! We spent 3 years trying to figure our shit out. There were few times that I was fully convinced we were going to do it. Just thinking about it now takes my breath away.. We were so fucking close… so many times.

1st attempt of many at a goodbye letter… That was never meant to be.

I’m shaking….

How do you write a goodbye letter to someone you have zero desire to say goodbye, ever?

I have tried to write this too many times to count, even now the shaking is making it difficult and I’m  making more typos than a kindergartner… sorry.. but I’m spending most time focusing on breathing, literally, and then I focus on going from task A to task B, like walk into kitchen for a papertowel then walk to spill, clean up spill, walk to garbage, etc… and I’m so serious it’s fucking sad.

I probably won’t get much out or even send this cuz I am literally trying to save myself right now and before you, this is one of the ways I’d do it.. I’d write the shit out.. But now the idea of putting anything you and I out in the universe feels wrong, like it’s ours and not to share, which again is so crazy because I share the fuck out of my crazy usually…

Nothing is okay anymore..

I’m having panic/anxiety attacks.. my heart races, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m ice cold and sweating at the same time.

And it’s been barely 24 hours since I’ve reached out to you.

The first 24 are the hardest some say, I call bullshit. Every fucking day/minute/second is a second farther away from the last time I was with you, a part of you, loved by you… See it’s a scary place inside my head..

I’ve learned that there are all different types of crying. There’s the crying that comes from the depths of your soul and it’s not really a cry but more of a howlish yell I’d call it. There’s the sneaky kind that creeps up on you in the weirdest places, like the grocery check out line, and before you even know what’s happening there’s just tears leaking down your face and you look like a complete fool who’s crying over US Magazine or Mars bars being on sale. There’s crying that is more like a wail than a cry. There’s ugly crying. There’s crying until you can’t catch your breath. There’s silent crying. There’s tearless crying. Even your soul can cry. I know all of this because I have cried all of these cries… and many more.

Worse than the crying are the moments when the reality that I’ll never hear/see/be with you again reach in and steal my breath, make my heart skip beats, and my stomach sinks to the soles of my feet. Just writing it is difficult. This can’t be real. This can’t be reality.

But it is.

You are gone.

There’s no going back.

I’ve sat here for 4 minutes just trying to get my breath back. It sucks the tiny bit left in my soul to even write it, I can’t even accept it in writing, let alone reality.

Your last message, before you blocked me… again, was… “Gotta go, driving now… Message you Sunday night when I’m back.”

That was 3 days ago.

Sunday night has come and gone. I haven’t heard from you. I, oddly enough, haven’t reached out to you. I’m not going too…

You blocked me.

You left me.

You lied to me.

You left me.

You destroyed me.

You broke my soul and stole my heart.

You sold me on a fake forever.

You don’t deserve me.

And I’ll love you forever… in a way that I don’t think even I will ever understand.

I guess that means I’ll be back here with a vengeance, typing out as much crazy as possible, in a whole bunch of meaningless fucking posts that should have ended up to you but instead ends up here…

I can only dream of a time that the pain from the loss of you doesn’t physically hurt. I can wish for a time that you are not my first and last thought, about everything. I can imagine an existence where I am not faking the okay between fits of complete despair.

Like how the fuck are you doing this? How are you okay?

Well you know that I have my own ideas on how you are coping, they all include sex, women, and most likely alcohol. I’m kinda disgusted that you can even think of moving on yet. I don’t know how you fall out of love so quickly and then it hits me… you didn’t fall out quickly, you fell out long ago.. you just didn’t tell me cuz I was your back burner until better came along… and looks like her husband left her and you find your happy. I read it with my own fucking eyes and I still was stupid enough to believe that we would overcome it because we were more than that.

Ha!

Wrong again, I was…

Now I’m sitting here with snot and tears running all the way down to my boobs, writing a goodbye letter to the man who was literally made of my dreams and promised me the world…

So for now the posts to the universe are on hold. I’m back to saving myself, only this time it’s so much fucking worse and even fucking scarier.

Fuckernutters.

 

 

To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

There are times when the tears threaten so quickly the burn behind my eyes takes my breath away… A few have even escaped.

Dear Universe , 

This. 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.
 

I wrote this before I knew how bad this had gotten… I was still thinking I’d survive this, silly girl. 

Dear Universe,

It’s been awhile since I have had sleepless nights due to something other than a baby or little ones, do 14 year olds count as littles still because they do to me,  but they are back.. and they have brought their friends Racing Heartbeat and Loss of Breath, 2 of my least favorite bed partners..

I’m only here to save myself. The constant movement of writing distracts the anxiety attacks that are filling my nights. Usually Runt does a good job of distracting me, or Beastie but it’s lights out here and has been… sleep won’t come and the scenes that fill my mind haunt me..

I don’t want to put much down here cuz that makes it that much more real..

I don’t want to be able to come back to read the ache of this. I don’t want to remember how this feels.  I want to forget it. I want to not feel anything like this again. I can’t.

I won’t survive.

I’m barely surviving now.

And have to figure out again how to not let it get to me.

It is what it is.

I’m  destined to be nothing.

I started this post 18 hours ago, in bed while the rest of the house slept and my mind raced. I’ve had sleep now, a little bit at least, and feel less like I’m going to lose it.

For now.

 

I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.