Oh yea I almost forgot… Happy fcking Easter.

life moves on

Dear Universe,

It’s been another holiday to add to the craziness. I survived it the best I could. I had a mini meltdown about Moon lastnight.

I made it through it.

It has left me thinking about him a lot today. I know that I have come a long way. I know that I have accepted that there is no longer love between US. But what I have realized is that there was a part of me somewhere that still thought he would be back. It took me by surprise. It always does when something is put in my face and there are cold hard facts to prove how gone he really is but this was different. I’m immediately saddened again by the loss of him, again. I already did this. I already accepted that he was gone.

But I didn’t accept that he was never coming back.

I didn’t understand how long of a process it would be to let him truly go.

It is so upsetting because as soon as I think I’ve come so far I’m faced with the reality that I’m not any closer than I was the day he walked away.

I’m so tired of loving him. I wish I truly could just turn it off the way he did. I wish I would have known that we were playing pretend, then I wouldn’t have taken the words/promises/love that was made to soul, I could have just spouted fakeness and called it a day.

But no, I was stupid and thought we were being real.

Look where that got me.

Months later I’m still being faced with the love I have for a man who forgot I exist.

Now I’m accepting that he truly will never be back. I’m going to go the rest of my days without hearing his words, feeling his love, looking into his eyes. He’s never going to wrap his arms around me. He’s never going to be there again.

I’ve already forgotten his voice. I can’t remember what his whispers sound like anymore. I struggle to remember and then I immediately beg to forget.

Yea.. story of my life.

I’m sorry I’m not sorry. .

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Dear Universe,

Tonight I’m just going to let myself miss him.

The moon is too bright to ignore tonight. And i don’t want to.

I miss him.

It sucks.

I don’t remember not missing him. .

#dontjudge

I wrote this, tried to post it, deleted it on accident, tried to restore it… and this is the finished product. FU April 1st.

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Dear Universe,

April 1st sucked more ass than usual days do, and that is pretty fucking bad. FYI the extra periods that are ending up in my posts are due to a little that somehow got their tiny fingers on my period button and the whole button has gone missing leaving just the little bump button thingy left that I have to push down, anyways…

Today was a real douche nugget. It started out crappy and just got worse. I don’t even know how to describe it and I dont really think I want to just because I don’t want to relive today. Ever.

Good thing there is tomorrow to try again. Yay.. Not really. Kinda.

In other news I think I am going to look into being a doula.. I have already been present at several of my friends births and I have even missed a few that friends had asked me to be at. I really believe in that a womans body is capable of so much when it comes to birth and that with the support of the right people during a labor the body is able to do what it was made to do.

But I’ll perhaps post more about that topic later.

I was flipping thru photos on my phone today and ran into a pic of Moon, several of them really. I tried to quickly flip by but I was stopped by those crystal blue eyes. For a second I almost recognized the person behind them, for a few brief seconds it was like looking into the eyes of my own soul. I missed those eyes. I forgot how the mixture of those eyes and that smile could slice through my core.

But then it was gone.

I couldn’t for the life of me find the fire that was behind those eyes. I don’t get it because the picture is the exact same one that I have had since Moon sent it but I don’t know who the man is that is looking back anymore.

I guess that is a good thing.

Someday I will erase the last few remaining physical memories of Moon that I have but I’m not ready to yet. I still need the reassurance that he existed, that he was mine, that I was able to love and be loved and someday soon I won’t feel the need to be reminded but for now, well, for now I need that. It helps me to know how far I have come.

There was a time that any and everything in my life had been touched by Moon. I wasn’t able to let him go because he had been such a huge part of my life. I held onto the love that we shared with everything I had, right up until he finally told me he didn’t love me anymore. When he said those words all the fight that I had for US vanished, all of the love that I had remained but I no longer felt like I needed to fight for him. I knew that there was no fighting to do. So I gave up. But he remained everywhere, for months. I couldn’t look at a picture of him without tears streaming down my face and my soul screaming for him to come back. I couldn’t listen to music because so much reminded me of him and I, every love song was relevant to the loss of our love. I spent more time than I would like to admit literally being brought to the ground with hurt/tears/pain/agony for Moon.

So the fact that I was able to look at a picture of him and not feel like I’ve been punched in the gut I feel like I have come a long way in letting go of the love we once shared.

And I think that if I can hold onto that for longer than just April 1st then I’m doing pretty fucking good.

Nighty night.

Let’s try this again. . Posting a few days later.

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Dear Universe,

Twice in one day huh? I might be spoiling ya.

I can’t sleep.

I’m currently not ‘not sleeping’ somewhere other than my bed, staring off into a dark room, and I have my laptop available so the fingers they are a flying…

I don’t really have anything to say but that is how so many of my posts begin.

I put in a post earlier about how I usually only write about one part of my life here, Moon. I have spent so long making this a place for US that it feels so awkward to write about anything else here but I am hoping that with time it will become easier. Hopefully with time it wont feel like I’m being untrue to Moon.

Okay lets talk about that for a second.

When will I not feel like I am doing something behind Moons back or that I am being unfaithful to him? Will I ever? Is that a normal feeling?

Or am I truly batshitcrazy now?

It took months to have a conversation with someone and not feel like I was cheating on Moon. Seriously. How fucking funny is that btw… Months after he finally told me he didn’t love me anymore I’m still feeling like I’m being dishonest and unfaithful to someone that didn’t give a rats ass about being honest with me. Batshitcrazy again I think..

But anyways..

It is getting less and less. I’m able to have conversations with males and not feel bad after. I’m finally able to accept compliments from people and truly believe that they may be sincere.

I just don’t know when or if I will be able to write about them here. I’m hoping this slowly turns into MY place instead of just a place for US.

Okay well the bed is calling my name so I am going to try to pass out..

Wish me luck.

I’m only human… And I crash and I breakdown.

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Dear Universe,

I don’t usually take the mean/hurtful/rude comments on here to heart because usually it’s just some crazy hater who has read one or two of my posts and has decided that I am wasting my time or I am crazy blah blah blah and I really could care less.

But I received a comment recently about how I am wasting my time on someone from years ago who never loved me and wasn’t The One blahfuckityblah blah…

And that comment got me to thinking, btw Jimmy Jams if you had read anything you would know that I have already come to terms with the fact that Moon wasn’t my One and that he never loved me and I completely wasted my time/energy/love/caring/friendship, what I am having a hard time coming to terms with is that even though all of those things were true on his part everything on my part was real.

So even though everything we have already stated above is true, it doesnt make it any fucking easier to accept the fact that I spent years of my time/energy/love/caring/friendship on the someone who was all of the terrible things that you mentioned above. And he may have checked out over a year ago but he only told me last summer that he was done. So it has not even been a year of me learning how to live a life that is not the life I had spent the previous 3 years living.

What exactly is the time limit on grieving the loss of a relationship?

Is there a time limit?

Because I was not aware that there was one.. I am simply trying to keep both of my feet firmly planted on this 3rd fucking rock from the sun. And to do that I write about one small aspect of my life here. I don’t feel like any time I spend on this blog is time wasted because without it I might not still be here. I am so all over the place with emotion right now because part of me wants to defend the love that I will always have for US and the other part of me is screaming to just walk away and leave it, to ignore any and everything US and just let it be what Jimmy Jams said it was, wasted time. But I also want to defend it and yell about how at one moment in time it was the realest/truest/rawest love you could ever imagine and that it is worth grieving for a lifetime.

I can’t though.

What was… was.

It is no more.

Now, now I am just learning how to smile again. I’m trying to accept all that life has for me. Good/bad/ugly.. I’m taking it one step at a time. Depending on myself. Relying on me. Needing no one. It is very liberating. And more terrifying than one can imagine.

I slept every night with Moon.

For years.

If I reached out to him or him to me, it was a given that the other was there.

24/7

For years.

There was never a shortage of love from Moon. He was the most amazing at making me feel like we were indestructible.

He wrote me things like this:

The story of us would probably be a man, me, who is madly in love with this fantastic woman, you.

At first I had no clue that you were the one I wanted to be with until we started talk outside of the people we hung out with. But after awhile I started to see and realize that a lot of the things that you were going through I was going through, like the people that helped us through most of or lives we have lost and how there are so many other ways we are alike, like watching movies together, we both are amazing cooks, love snuggling up with each other, and how amazing you made me feel but was scared too say or do anything at first. Because every time I seen you I had butterflies in my stomach because all I wanted to do was talk to you. So I finally got the guts to talk to you and I thought that this woman is so great and makes me laugh and that I could hang out with you more often so we did. That was one of the most wonderful things that have happened to me.

After awhile we started watching movies and hanging out with just us. What started off as just friends turned in too something so much more. I started to have strong feelings about you although you warned me that we shouldn’t go down this road.

I didn’t care.

I knew that I was falling madly in love with you and never wanted to give up! We have been through so much that I could not just give up on you and US.

You are my sun, my stars, and of course my moon.

I know you probably think I am crazy!!!! But not having you in my life makes me feel so empty. Having you in my life is like climbing the highest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs “I did it!!”. I never ever want to turn back or start over with someone now because of you and how you make me feel!!!!! =)

I love you so much, I would want nothing more than to be the man of your life and love you like a wonderful and fantastic woman should be loved in a relationship.

I love you so much.

Moon

Those were HIS FUCKING WORDS!! He wrote them out and sent them to me.

And then.. Gone.

It has been so hard to not immediately run to someone else..

There have been times that I wish I could just fill Moons place with someone else, just plop them in and make them everything that he was to me, but I can’t.

I don’t want to.

I could go on for days all of a sudden but I am being interrupted. Lucky you.

Until next time Universe…

It’s been fun I’m sure. Ha

Letter 1 to the Universe. ..

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I just want him back. . I just want a few more minutes/hours/days/weeks to soak up all the US that would last a lifetime.

Sometimes I just want to be reminded that I didn’t make him up. I can’t remember his voice and that makes me panic because maybe I imagined all the love I felt.

Sometimes I think that there will never be another soul that awakens the parts of me that Moon did. I imagine a life where the body I’m with doesn’t do a thing to connect with my soul,  and maybe that is because Moon always will own the power that ignites my soul.

Please let me sleep. .

Reality…

moon lover:

Oh how reality crashes. .

Originally posted on chicpress:

Sometimes I think i’m fine..
I think my world is completely normal..
Content even.. 
That I might even be happy one day..
But then reality crashes over me..
And i realize the place where my heart used to reside is empty..
All that is left is a dark void..

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My first post ‘about’ Moon and not ‘to’ Moon… Oh the times they are a changin’.

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Oh my where to begin?

Do I begin?

I’ve been struggling a lot with that, do I begin writing to you again?

I kind of feel the need to but at the same time I have no desire to write/talk/text/communicate with you at all anymore, but my soul well, my soul has other ideas. It found comfort in being able to just get whatever was happening out and it just so happened that I would do all of my ‘getting out’ to you..

But you don’t care anymore. And I don’t care to ‘get out’ to you but I still feel the need to ‘get out’.

Lost you yet?

Sorry I guess what I am trying to say write is that I am just gonna keep writing here but I won’t really be ‘writing to you’ anymore.

I’m just going to be writing to the universe.

And I’m going to that writing here.

I just don’t have the time to put into making a new blog that feels like home like this one does. I’m convinced that you no longer read this anymore anyway so it won’t matter.

Anywhooo…

After all that stupid explaining.. of nothing, I don’t remember what I was saying or where I was going with this and I’m nervous if I stop now this will just end up another draft in my overflowing Drafts Folder and it will be long forgotten like so many others.

Hmmm….

It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I kinda forget how to do it ha.. I think I might try to put on some music and see where it takes me..

Well I never had the chance to put on music. This post has just sat here unwritten all day, haunting me…

I’m gonna try again…

It’s just so unnatural to write to anyone or anything other than Moon, I’ve spent so long pouring my everything out to him that I don’t how to vent without him. You see, I have spent so much of myself (all of my time) on loving him and US that I have forgotten who I am without him.

I am slowly finding myself.

I’m hoping that with time this will become easier and less awkward but for now I will just try to power through the awkwardness.

I miss him..

I try to convince myslef that I don’t.

I try to remind myself why it will never be with him.

It helps. Most of the time.

But every once in awhile I just miss him so much it takes my breath away, tears sting my eyes, my heart races, and time stands still while the hurt rushes over me.

I’m way better at fighting the hurt now days.

I am quicker at recovering and ignoring the hurt.

But it is still there.

I wonder when I will stop thinking about him.

I wonder when it will truly not hurt to think of how happy his life is without me in it.

I wish for the time that any happy that I feel is not immediately followed by thoughts of US and how we should have been the ones feeling this happy I feel.

I will I ever get over that I wasn’t good enough for him?

I wasn’t going to spend my time whining to him but I guess it doesnt really count if I’m whining ‘about’ him and not ‘to’ him right?

Because no matter what Moon will always be a part of my life/soul. Even if I never see him on this earth again I will forever be bound to his soul.

And he to mine.

two years

moon lover:

I never thought my body would every forget you or respond to another. .

I was wrong. And I’m so glad that I was.

I didn’t know if or how to write about it but I didn’t have to think about it someone else already said what i needed to.

Originally posted on memory of crows:

for the first time
in two years
i allowed someone else
someone other than you
to love me

he took me by my hand
and led me to the bed
with the same urgency
you once did

with the same hot desire
you had for me

i learned that my body
responds

that my body forgets you

when it is entangled
with some one elses

no

no one will ever be you

but i finally discovered
that i can
live without you
when i never thought i could

when you have been hurt
so many times
by the same person

even your body lets them go

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I haven’t cried for US in almost a week now, you don’t linger in my every thought… I’m finally letting you go like you did to me so many moons ago.

see that girl I’m eating popcorn and Butterfinger Bites washing em down with good ol’ h2O while watching the Bachelor.

Don’t judge.

I’m trying not to hate on love.

I’m trying not to hate on you. I think it’s working, for the most part. I mean.. I still haven’t really shed any tears for you/US. I still feel ‘okay’.

I have dreamt of you the last several nights. They have been odd. I don’t really remember much about them, I know that we are not a couple usually. For the first time in forever when I wake up I’m not begging and screaming for you, there aren’t tears running down my face and I’m not gasping for breath.

But the sadness is still there sometimes.

These feelings of ‘okay’ are so taboo for me that I am silently waiting for all the pain/tears/hurt/sadness/darkness from the loss of US to come slamming back but I kinda don’t think it will and I am more than ready to accept that.

I can finally see a future without you in it. I can finally see a day where I’m not looking/waiting for you every second.I have finally went days without crying for you. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

My soul screams sad.

My mind longs for happy.

I’m not feeling anything.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m hoping by letting go of you and feeling everything without trying to deny or ignore I’m going to be able to love better after this.

One of my biggest fears is I won’t be able to love again. But i think by doing this the right way and not running and pretending to love the closest thing i can, that in the end the love i will be able to offer will be real honest and true.

I won’t tell someone they’re my everything and my world, that i couldn’t live without them or imagine a world without our love only to tell someone else those exact same things almost simultaneously, like you did.

The next time i tell those things to someone I’ll mean them.

Just like i did with you every time i said them, right up until you finally got caught and had to tell me you’d been lying and cheating on me. And still even after, when my heart and soul wouldn’t give up and the love we shared still lingered, I meant it then too. I always have and always will.

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