So sleepy.. Until my head hits the pillow and the lights go out, then it’s game on for Fear & Anxiety.

sad

Dear Universe,

You really love fucking with me huh?

Just when I think that I might start having my ducks in a row and the planets are starting to align or blah fuckity blah blah, you throw me a fucking curveball I could never have seen coming.

I don’t know how to write about it yet. If I write about it then it becomes more real. If I put words to it then I give it life and this is something that does not deserve life. I deserve life. I keep telling myself that. I am more scared than I have been in forever. I don’t know how I am going to last the next few weeks and then I will have even more time to wait for results.

I’m not sleeping.

I’m hardly eating.

I had a few moments of weakness the last 48 hours and reached out to a few people. I don’t expect people to be there but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hope that they are…

I can proudly say that I did not at all reach out to Moon. And that is a feat in itself! Don’t get me wrong there was a moment (or hours but who’s counting) when my heart was racing and the blood was rushing through my ears so loud I couldn’t hear anything and for those moments I wanted to reach out to Moon and in the past I would have. I would have dialed his number at the very, very least but this time I didn’t.

This time I sat with my fear/sadness/anger/anxiety and I remembered a time when I could reach out to Moon and he would have loved me back to sanity saying ‘it didn’t matter what the tests say or what parts of me they have to take he would still be here loving me, whole or in pieces’. The tears ran as I imagined how at one time I truly thought I had the Clyde to my Bonnie and how we could have conquered this evil together. I cried for the loss of amazing we made. I cried for the love I miss so badly.

So quick reality was to knock me back down. Moon isn’t here. He doesn’t care. He can’t love away this ugly. He can’t whisper my anxiety to silence.

I didn’t text/call/message at all.

I just let myself feel everything that was attacking me at once and rode them out.

I felt every single emotion to the center of my core.

And I did it without a ‘partner’. I did it without Moon. I never thought there would be a time/crisis that I didn’t crumble without him. And I am okay with that. I am more than Okay with that. I feel a tiny bit of proud in these moments of terror for not being weak like so many think I am.

The ones I leaned on did/said the right thing, which sometimes just meant they sat there and watched/listened to me cry. I didn’t get any fake or phony, I received love/honesty/support.

I don’t know how I am going to make it through these next few weeks. But I’m terrified for them to pass. Every minute that goes is one closer to a reality that I am not ready to accept. I feel so alone.

Another post written days before. . Im still wandering.

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Dear Universe,

Another day another dollar…

The first cut is the deepest…

The song is playing right now and it’s super distracting.. I don’t want to try to love again. I don’t care if I never fall in love again. I don’t think I have the energy to even begin having any ‘like’ for another human.. love seems impossible.

And I am super okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t really want a life of ‘alone-ness’ but I would much prefer someone say.. ‘hey, I’m gonna say I love you and will be here for you always and that I could never live without you but what I mean by that is I’m gonna like you while I’m here, I’m gonna be here for you when it’s convenient and I will forget you existed as soon as you walk out the door.’

I’ll take brutal honesty over bullshit lies any day!

Give it to me real. I’m done with the fake-ness.

I don’t need any false promises or fake love.

I don’t want any kind of emotional bullshit.

But..I’m a lover.. with a broken heart and shattered soul.

Who is so fucking lost in this world of unknown..

180 Days Later…

Originally posted on The Deviant Day Dreamer Says:

I miss him…I miss all those comforting words that no one else can ever say to me, the power he could contain in a single word. I miss the effect that he had on me. I miss how comfortable he made me, how I could just be myself around him.

He was my best friend and I will never let anyone in like I let him. We were just perfect. We just fit. And no one will ever fit me as he did. Nothing will ever be as comfortable as my head on his chest and no one will ever console me quite like he did.

I never wanted him to leave. I never wanted him to let go. He was my only one and I wanted to be his only one forever but I guess those things only exist in fairy-tales huh? It’s been months since I last held…

View original 333 more words

Strawberry Moons forevermore. . Too many moons.

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I can’t write so I just post pictures.

Tonight’s one of those times.

Eight months.

moon lover:

8 months… Soon a year. . Then 2… but a lifetime?!

#impossible

Originally posted on A Veil Of Innocence:

And she wasn’t sure of what to do, everything was so distant yet so perfect. His lips, in that split second, took her back to her fairytale land. A place where she was his and he was hers. Eight months, she had craved his touch, screamed into pillows and cried up till dawn, eight months. And her reward? A slight peck and handshake. That in itself was more than she could handle.
But she knew. She knew that nothing in the world could possibly be half as beautiful as the way his eyes looked at her and the way she felt when in his arms.
…and just like that, once again, comfortable yet alone in her cozy bed. She wanted him to lie next to her in pure innocence. With their bodies pressed against each other and the comfort of each other’s presence.

View original

#medicated #dontjudge #sorryimnotsorry

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Dear Universe,

Some days are better than others..

Today is an ‘other day’. It’s been an ‘other weekend’ really.

Let’s try again next week. .

HABITS- To Love

Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people getting it on
It doesn’t make me nervous
If anything I’m restless
Yeah I’ve been around and I’ve seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Days kind of lonely

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe, I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my day time
Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I know my way too easy

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze,
Tryin’ to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Oh, can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Oh, staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Oh oh can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Tryin’ to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

The drought was the very worst… Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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Dear Universe,

I’m at such a different place than I was 10 months ago.

I go hours/days/weeks/months without being dropped to my knees from the hurt anymore.

It was a struggle, to say the least, to get here.

I had the highest of high and the lowest of lows.

But I didn’t rush myself.

I didn’t push myself to hurry the process.

I tried my hardest to not deny the feelings felt.

It was tough, it still is, but I can say that I have fully accepted US for what it was.

I have really spent the last few months focusing on myself. I have more posts than one should in my Drafts folder and I just kind of post them when I can. I don’t always read them through, usually I just end up adding the tags, or titling and then publishing so I apologize for all of the wacky craziness you have dealt with the past several months.

I may have some sort of peace with US now but that is no way how things are in other aspects of my life right now.

It’s pretty opposite actually.

I have some crazy family stuff happening. I have more Baby Daddy drama than one person should ever have to deal with and summer is just around the corner. I have to somehow entertain 3 littles for months without any harm, to them or myself lol, I’m guessing there will be an abundance of things to write about soon. There already is I’m sure but I’m having a hard time writing about anything else. It’s like I have writers block when it comes to writing about anything…

I’m gonna go snuggle my Babydoll. I missed her like crazy today and we get to sleep in for the next 3 DAYS!!! (I may or may not be excited about that) I’m gonna put on some Real Housewives of New York/Terra’s Little Family/Little Woman NY (or however many I can get thru before I pass out) and zone out with my dolly.

Goodnight world.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

PS. Clean by Taylor Swift has been one of faves since the first time I played the album thru but it has spoke directly to my soul the last few weeks/month. Learning to unlove Moon was like overcoming an addiction for me, I had become addicted to having him in my life. It was easy to become addicted. I lived/breathed/loved everything Moon for a very long time. He was my drug. He made whatever fucked up seemed not so fucking bad. Anyways this wasn’t about Moon this was about my soul sister Taylor and her beautiful music. I play this song with the windows down and the volume on full blast any chance I can lately. It saves me. Thank you Taylor, for saving me.

Clean

By Taylor Swift

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, ah ah
Think I’m finally clean

Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. I’m just gonna… write about it. And then shake it off.

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Dear Universe,

I’ve been getting a lot of hate on here lately. I don’t let half the hate thru but some of it makes it thru anyways.

I don’t understand why or how anyone would want to hate on someone who fell so madly/deeply in love with another and then had to live through that other walking away.

Who spreads that kind of hate onto someone?

I don’t even wish the kind of hurt that I have felt on anyone. No one.

So why would someone want to name call and belittle someone for still hurting LESS THAN A YEAR after a devastating event has happened to them?

I won’t and don’t feel bad for hurting for Moon.
I loved him.

I thought he loved me.

We spent years together building and planning a life together..

I have a list that goes on and on (3 years worth actually) but I don’t feel like defending the love that I have for someone..

It was my love.

It is my love.

I will never defend feeling love.

I will never regret feeling hurt.

I will be am a better person because of the way/depth I was able to love Moon and how I was able to overcome the loss of him.

I will never stop hurting for Moon. But I will have learned to accept and live with it.

I will forever look for his light, he lit a piece of my soul and US will eternally own that piece.

There will never be a time in existence that I don’t love Moon.

Never.

But I will love again.

I won’t love the way I loved Moon, I couldn’t there is only one Moon, but I will allow myself to love another just as deeply, someday.

I’m in no rush for that day.

Sometimes you’re fighting so hard to stay sane that you have to post without any pics… Deal with it.

Dear Universe,

Why can’t I breathe? Why are the tears flowing? Why does the hurt from missing Moon seem unbearable right now?

I just want to go back in time, to a day that we were madly in love (or so I thought) and I want to just soak it all up. I want to feel the love that we shared again. I forget what that feels like. I can’t remember what it is like to not feel alone.

I wish I could forget Moon.

Sitting here and writing about all the amazing he made me feel is not the way to forget about him.

But I’m terrified that once I forget it will be like US never existed, no one will remember what a great love story we made, US will just become some lost words on the internet that some sad/lost lover finds scouring the web for fellow wallowers.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck..

There’s just too much that time cannot erase… I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone.

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Dear Universe,

There are so many things that remind me of Moon, more than I would like to admit or even think about. But this song holds one of the strongest memories. And it’s haunting me today…

The lyrics were meant for Moon and I.

Fuck today.

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