Oh my where to begin?
Do I begin?
I’ve been struggling a lot with that, do I begin writing to you again?
I kind of feel the need to but at the same time I have no desire to write/talk/text/communicate with you at all anymore, but my soul well, my soul has other ideas. It found comfort in being able to just get whatever was happening out and it just so happened that I would do all of my ‘getting out’ to you..
But you don’t care anymore. And I don’t care to ‘get out’ to you but I still feel the need to ‘get out’.
Lost you yet?
Sorry I guess what I am trying to
say write is that I am just gonna keep writing here but I won’t really be ‘writing to you’ anymore.
I’m just going to be writing to the universe.
And I’m going to that writing here.
I just don’t have the time to put into making a new blog that feels like home like this one does. I’m convinced that you no longer read this anymore anyway so it won’t matter.
After all that stupid explaining.. of nothing, I don’t remember what I was saying or where I was going with this and I’m nervous if I stop now this will just end up another draft in my overflowing Drafts Folder and it will be long forgotten like so many others.
It’s been so long since I’ve posted that I kinda forget how to do it ha.. I think I might try to put on some music and see where it takes me..
Well I never had the chance to put on music. This post has just sat here unwritten all day, haunting me…
I’m gonna try again…
It’s just so unnatural to write to anyone or anything other than Moon, I’ve spent so long pouring my everything out to him that I don’t how to vent without him. You see, I have spent so much of myself (all of my time) on loving him and US that I have forgotten who I am without him.
I am slowly finding myself.
I’m hoping that with time this will become easier and less awkward but for now I will just try to power through the awkwardness.
I miss him..
I try to convince myslef that I don’t.
I try to remind myself why it will never be with him.
It helps. Most of the time.
But every once in awhile I just miss him so much it takes my breath away, tears sting my eyes, my heart races, and time stands still while the hurt rushes over me.
I’m way better at fighting the hurt now days.
I am quicker at recovering and ignoring the hurt.
But it is still there.
I wonder when I will stop thinking about him.
I wonder when it will truly not hurt to think of how happy his life is without me in it.
I wish for the time that any happy that I feel is not immediately followed by thoughts of US and how we should have been the ones feeling this happy I feel.
I will I ever get over that I wasn’t good enough for him?
I wasn’t going to spend my time whining to him but I guess it doesnt really count if I’m whining ‘about’ him and not ‘to’ him right?
Because no matter what Moon will always be a part of my life/soul. Even if I never see him on this earth again I will forever be bound to his soul.
And he to mine.