The drought was the very worst… Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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Dear Universe,

I’m at such a different place than I was 10 months ago.

I go hours/days/weeks/months without being dropped to my knees from the hurt anymore.

It was a struggle, to say the least, to get here.

I had the highest of high and the lowest of lows.

But I didn’t rush myself.

I didn’t push myself to hurry the process.

I tried my hardest to not deny the feelings felt.

It was tough, it still is, but I can say that I have fully accepted US for what it was.

I have really spent the last few months focusing on myself. I have more posts than one should in my Drafts folder and I just kind of post them when I can. I don’t always read them through, usually I just end up adding the tags, or titling and then publishing so I apologize for all of the wacky craziness you have dealt with the past several months.

I may have some sort of peace with US now but that is no way how things are in other aspects of my life right now.

It’s pretty opposite actually.

I have some crazy family stuff happening. I have more Baby Daddy drama than one person should ever have to deal with and summer is just around the corner. I have to somehow entertain 3 littles for months without any harm, to them or myself lol, I’m guessing there will be an abundance of things to write about soon. There already is I’m sure but I’m having a hard time writing about anything else. It’s like I have writers block when it comes to writing about anything…

I’m gonna go snuggle my Babydoll. I missed her like crazy today and we get to sleep in for the next 3 DAYS!!! (I may or may not be excited about that) I’m gonna put on some Real Housewives of New York/Terra’s Little Family/Little Woman NY (or however many I can get thru before I pass out) and zone out with my dolly.

Goodnight world.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

PS. Clean by Taylor Swift has been one of faves since the first time I played the album thru but it has spoke directly to my soul the last few weeks/month. Learning to unlove Moon was like overcoming an addiction for me, I had become addicted to having him in my life. It was easy to become addicted. I lived/breathed/loved everything Moon for a very long time. He was my drug. He made whatever fucked up seemed not so fucking bad. Anyways this wasn’t about Moon this was about my soul sister Taylor and her beautiful music. I play this song with the windows down and the volume on full blast any chance I can lately. It saves me. Thank you Taylor, for saving me.

Clean

By Taylor Swift

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, ah ah
Think I’m finally clean

Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. I’m just gonna… write about it. And then shake it off.

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Dear Universe,

I’ve been getting a lot of hate on here lately. I don’t let half the hate thru but some of it makes it thru anyways.

I don’t understand why or how anyone would want to hate on someone who fell so madly/deeply in love with another and then had to live through that other walking away.

Who spreads that kind of hate onto someone?

I don’t even wish the kind of hurt that I have felt on anyone. No one.

So why would someone want to name call and belittle someone for still hurting LESS THAN A YEAR after a devastating event has happened to them?

I won’t and don’t feel bad for hurting for Moon.
I loved him.

I thought he loved me.

We spent years together building and planning a life together..

I have a list that goes on and on (3 years worth actually) but I don’t feel like defending the love that I have for someone..

It was my love.

It is my love.

I will never defend feeling love.

I will never regret feeling hurt.

I will be am a better person because of the way/depth I was able to love Moon and how I was able to overcome the loss of him.

I will never stop hurting for Moon. But I will have learned to accept and live with it.

I will forever look for his light, he lit a piece of my soul and US will eternally own that piece.

There will never be a time in existence that I don’t love Moon.

Never.

But I will love again.

I won’t love the way I loved Moon, I couldn’t there is only one Moon, but I will allow myself to love another just as deeply, someday.

I’m in no rush for that day.

Sometimes you’re fighting so hard to stay sane that you have to post without any pics… Deal with it.

Dear Universe,

Why can’t I breathe? Why are the tears flowing? Why does the hurt from missing Moon seem unbearable right now?

I just want to go back in time, to a day that we were madly in love (or so I thought) and I want to just soak it all up. I want to feel the love that we shared again. I forget what that feels like. I can’t remember what it is like to not feel alone.

I wish I could forget Moon.

Sitting here and writing about all the amazing he made me feel is not the way to forget about him.

But I’m terrified that once I forget it will be like US never existed, no one will remember what a great love story we made, US will just become some lost words on the internet that some sad/lost lover finds scouring the web for fellow wallowers.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck..

There’s just too much that time cannot erase… I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone.

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Dear Universe,

There are so many things that remind me of Moon, more than I would like to admit or even think about. But this song holds one of the strongest memories. And it’s haunting me today…

The lyrics were meant for Moon and I.

Fuck today.

A partial post, had to stop myself from feeling too much… Sorry posting as is or it will end up lost in the drafts folder like so many others.

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Dear Universe,

I know that there are different stages and types of grief and I don’t care what anyone says, when a relationship ends like the one that Moon and I had it is like a death, especially when that relationship is something that you have put your whole heart and soul into (I know that there are worse deaths than the loss of a relationship but this is no place for judgments here I am speaking of my loss, my relationship, my grief, my healing) and it’s there one day and the next you wake up and it’s like it never existed. I’m trying my hardest to not give anymore time or attention to something that is no longer but that is impossible when it still lives in your soul.

I have moments of anger when I think of Moon building a new relationship with someone, it doesn’t even matter who that someone is only that its not me, and promising them all of the same promises that he promised me, doing all of the things that we were supposed to do. I still find my breath being stolen and tears spring to my eyes when certain things are talked about (all of the many city sites that we planned to show each other, Niagara Falls.. I can’t even continue because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my fucking chest).

I don’t know what I was writing about because I have to stop. I have to focus on right here. Right now. The sun on my shoulders. The wind that is tickling my toes. The birds that are chirping in the trees.

I can’t believe there are still moments that hurt me to my core when I think about the loss of Moon. It’s mind fucking how almost a year later I am still just barely a little tiny bit better than I was the moment my world came crashing down.

How can it almost be a year?

How can it almost be 365 fucking days since I felt any sort of love/feeling/emotion/caring from someone who I thought was my forever?

How can that same someone already have found a deeper love than the love we shared with someone else? Especially when I am not able to connect with anyone else on anything more than a physical level?

How can I have lost the tiny bit of believe that I had to something that was 100% fake?

How can all or any of these fucking things be true?

Because every single one of them fucking is.

The first 3rd of May, in a long string of a lifetime, that I won’t be celebrating Moon… And I’m devastated.

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It’s Moons day of birth. I’ve spent the last 4 years celebrating and showering Moon with love. I don’t know how to forget or make myself not care.

It’s impossible.

I’ll forever love Moon. I’ll look for him everyday. I’ll miss him until eternity.

I’ll give him the only thing I know he ever wants from again. . to leave him alone, and it kills me in ways you wouldn’t think possible.

But for Moon, sadly, I would do anything. .even if it kills me. .

Fuck fucking fuck…

All I want is to be more than someones 2am call… but I don’t anything to give but 2am. Fck.

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Dear Universe,

I am struggling tonight.

I think I may have briefly spoke of a ‘meet up’ or two in a previous post and that is partly what is bringing me to where I am tonight.

I desperately want to be that special someone to someone.

I want someone to want and love me with the ferocity that I had for Moon.

I just don’t know if I believe in that anymore.

How do you believe in something that you have already given your all too and it has laughed while slapping you in your face?

Am I capable of loving someone again?

I don’t think I am right now. I am so busy pushing anyone away and keeping everyone at arms length it’s impossible to be anything at all.

If this were any other time in my life the amount of male interest I have currently would keep me more than interested and occupied.

But it doesn’t.

I don’t answer phone calls when it rings.

I rarely respond to text right away.

I currently have 3 guys showing some sort of signs of interest, albeit on completely different levels but attention and interest none the less.

And I don’t really care.

I’m not feeling anything towards any of them. Not to mention the multiple people that I ‘interacted’ with on some level since Moon left. I mean I could start a few posts just on said interactions, the online dating world is a blog in it’s fucking self.

There is a certain someone who has been a constant since before Moon even truly left. He’s been a constant since before Moon really but he’s always been quietly, sometimes not so quietly, in the background. We have had a few deeply connecting moments. He even threw out the L word to me, several times and since, but I have kept him at such a distance that the possibility of him and I becoming anything doesn’t seem real.

I mean how can I expect someone to take me seriously and as anything more than a fucking 2 am booty call if I don’t give them anything more of myself than that?

HOw can I expect someone to love me if all I am giving them of myself is my vagina and some stimulating conversation? I mean.. really?! Sure I laugh with them. I throw out a few one liners and a couple of jokes. We talk about life and our days. I have cried with a few of them, shared some deep dark secrets with some, I’ve fucked more than I’d like to admit here or anywhere, I let one of them spank me until I came (I didn’t think it was possible either but trust me it happened), I’ve laid hours in the biggest and sexiest arms I could ever imagine, I’ve experienced kinky fuckery like I never thought possible… but during any and all of that I never felt anything in my soul.

Everything felt superficial or fake, like it wasn’t really ME but just some shell of what I used to be. I still look the same on the outside, well minus quite a few pounds (probably the only benefit of a lost love), but on the inside it’s hollow. Empty. There’s no me left inside.

I haven’t been ME since Moon has been gone. He took a piece of me with him. And I’m pretty sure it was the piece of me that held all the love that I had for life. I think it held all the light I had for anything.

I trusted him with everything and every part of me.

So I gave myself completely.

But he never gave me any of myself back when he left.

He kept all the best parts of me when he left.

And he doesn’t even know or care.

He’s living life and loving with his everything and his all.

And I’m stuck here giving out the only parts of me that I have left to people who don’t want to make me more than a 2 am call.

And in the sickest way possible… I am kinda okay with that.

Fuck feeling anything more than skin deep anyways.

It’s overfuckingrated!

Can barely keep my eyes open. . Until i put my head on the pillow. FML

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Dear Universe,

I’m feeling blank.

I have so many thoughts that I think are finally fighting to get out but I can’t for the life of me sort through them enough to get anything out that would make any sense.

I am sad to report that I have had a few more bouts of utterly missing Moon but even though they are happen they don’t last long, thank goodness.

It was getting easier to forget and move on from Moon but for some reason lately it has been like it’s 200 steps back.

Maybe it’s because his birthday is approaching and I’m having anxiety over how I’m not supposed to spend the day celebrating Moon and making the day about him.. I’ve done that for years now, we have spent every birthday of his together or at least spend a day celebrating him, and we always celebrated in the best ways possible..

I don’t want to remember Moon anymore.

I don’t want to be reminded of him every day in May for the rest of my life.. But I’m going to be because a part of US lives in my soul and that part will always celebrate the life of Moon.

I just fcking miss him so bad…. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t tonight.

miss him

Dear Universe, I miss him. So fucking much it hurts. Again. I have had the best of days/weeks lately. But today… today I just miss Moon. I miss how if I had a day like today he would be there with open arms to hold and love away all the bad. I hate it. Missing him sucks. Thinking I need him is the worst.

I don’t remember his voice.. It brings a panic to my soul that is indescribable. There was a time that I thought I would hear it every day for the rest of my life and now I have a lifetime left to go without hearing it again.

I wish my soul forgot what it was like to love him.

Bahhhhhh….

Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

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Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.

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