If only I could Fade Into YOu….

This song came on the radio ALL weekend long and since it reminds me of you like NO other it’s def my song to you tonight my Moon….

I  miss you, I hope you’re miserable without me because…

I’m MISERABLE without YOU

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You LEFT and I have NOTHING….

I have been quiet all weekend, I know that you know that is not a good thing. Me quiet could only mean ONE thing… I’m shutting down. I’m starting to block out EVERYone and everything. I can’t go even a few mins without my thoughts wondering to you, and to top it all off, EVERYthing reminds me of you.

I have avoided the computer for the last few days simply because I can’t take the pain of not hearing from you, I have had my phone turned off for DAYS now, because I can’t stand having msgs that aren’t from YOU.

I swear that every song that we have ever shared together has made its way onto the RADIO!! I know not really that shocking since it is the radio, but I am talking about songs that have been off the radio for YEARS now, are magically playing on every station I have tuned in. I specifically left the iPod so that I wouldn’t play every song.

I have so much to get OUT, but I just don’t have the energy right now. It’s so much easier to just keep it inside and NOT think about it then to think about it right now.

You begged me to let you in, let my walls down, TRUST you, HA!! Look where that got me? HERE…. ALONE…. BROKEN…. with more walls than I have ever had before. Thicker, stronger, taller.

These walls will NOT be broken again.

I can’t take a pain like this anymore. I know there is pain that is deeper and worse than the pain that I am feeling. BUT for me, right now, I can’t even imagine it. I can’t even imagine feeling anything again. I feel so drained. I feel so used. I feel so BETRAYED…

I will try to get some shit out of my messed up head later, I have Halloween parties, SISTER healing my SOUL day, my birthday that I’m dreading so much now, and just a bunch of other shit…  but for now I’m just gonna curl up into a ball and hide away in my hole…

 Will I ever L O V E  again??

I know you’re SOMEWHERE out there. . .

My song to you tonight and EVERy night. . .

Rawr

WHY?!? Why would you LEAVE me so BROKEN???

Someone asked me tonight, if you could ask HIM one question what would it be? It took me a few moments to catch my breath & then with tears streaming down my cheeks I replied with…

“WHY? It’s more of just one word”

I couldn’t continue the conversation, I had to REMOVE myself from it. I had to get away, run away, HIDE, I wanted to crawl back into my hole that I have been successfully LIVING out of for so long now. I made another list of questions for you….

WHY would you do this to me? WHY would you LEAVE me without a GOODBYE? REALLY?? SERIOUSLY?? I’m not even good enough for a fucking GOODBYE?? after ALL the BULLSHIT lines you fed me about making you my everything, can I keep you, can I love, I will love you FOREVER, blah fuckity blah blah blah.

I can’t even REMEMBER what the last conversation we had was? Can you FUCKING believe that? I am so zombie-like, that I CANT remember the last conversation we had was. WERE you mad at me? Did you SHOW me somehow that you were MAD at me? Did you say something and I MISSED it because C was so sick puking??

I WANT TO REMEMBER, almost as BAD as I WANT TO FORGET!!

I KNOW why you LEFT, I want to know WHY you left like you DID!! Why would you leave me to crumble without giving me the tiniest bit of closure to try to start building myself back up on? There is sooooo much more to get out but I can’t do it anymore right now….

Will this WHY haunt me FOREVER???? YOU have the POWER to not make that a REALITY, it wont take much, it doesn’t have to be in person, on the phone, or even in a message because I GET that it’s too HARD to SAY, but please at LEAST have the heart to not make me SUFFER in SILENCE forever…. please, give me that much, since EVERYThing else you OFFERED has been taken AWAY……

The Bitching Hour…

I was doing ‘okay’ tonight. Pouring ALL of the sadness and longing I have for you into this new blog. I actually thought I could do this, I could MAKE it thru this bullshit life I am trying to live, without you today.

Ha Ha Ha… that LASTED until I looked at the clock and saw that it was AFTER 8pm and I would be spending NO time with you, AGAIN….. & it was hard to take a FULL breath AGAIN, and the pain of holding the tears back CAN’T be held back any longer and they just start FLOWING…..

Well, back to trying to keep myself Busy, maybe I will play some firefight….

Until we meet again……..

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