Hey wordpress what happened to auto save?!?

I wrote a whole post to you tonight from the iPod but the dumb thing got erased. I’m quite pissed actually. Im still wide awake and hating life right now.

I will just say I love you, I miss you, I’m trying to believe in US, I promise. Please don’t give up on me yet.

Goodnight my moon I love you so much…..

I can’t BREATHE without you, but I HAVE to….

Hello there mister. It’s been a few days again I think. I hardly know what day it is anymore. Every day just consists of another day that I have not had any contact with you. And I’m pretty much OVER thinking of nothing but that for DAYS now, so yea I am now working on just breathing, in and out…. anywhoooo….

I do however know that we had Thanksgiving or what I am now calling Fucksgiving because really what I am thankful for, I am thankful for EVERYday of the year, NOT just on some designated Thursday of EVERY November because the calendar says so. I am also in the mindset that there are SOOO many things to not be thankful for that the holiday spirit in me puttered out days ago.

I am scared I won’t find it again before Christmas because usually Christmas is the happiest time of the year for me. I love Christmas songs, I love the feeling of Christmas. I love how things really do feel merry. I love walking around downtown, my nose numb with cold, being bundled up in scarves, hats, gloves with a warm drink in hand, with all the lights of the city aglow. I love the way you can see your breath in the night. I love snuggling up on cold nights. I love so much about Christmas but I am not finding the JOY in any of these things just now & I want to find it so bad….

I LOVE the SNOW!!! You know this, that’s another one of the reasons that it is so hard for me to un-love you, you remember how much I love snow. It warms my SOUL that when it snows you make it a point to msg me to say you are thinking of me as the snowflakes fall. That is just about the silliest reason anyone has ever loved someone but to me, it makes perfect sense. YOU, took the time to LISTEN to me ramble on about something as SILLY as SNOW but you also CARED enough to remember something so silly.

This writing tonight will be all over the place and I apologize, there is just so much going on in there that I have been trying my hardest to ignore but just keep buzzing away like angry bees trying to get out. Their stings over & over trying to remind me to FEEL. I do my best to block them out, to become numb to their sting, it is slowly working. Like I have built a tolerance up to their venom. There are the ‘lucky’ few who get their stinger in and inject their venomous memory in before I know what is happening. Those babies usually bring me to floor with the PAIN of you being gone.

As usual as I am writing to you tonight I am listening to music. Let me give you the list of songs that have played so far. Pearl Jam- Just Breathe, Mazzy Star-Fade Into You, Noel Gallagher- If I Had a Gun, Seether- Broken, Evanescence- Immortal Finger Eleven- One Thing., Taylor & Colbi- Breathe. Do you see a pattern here? Seriously?!?

As hard as it is to hear these songs, it actually brings me some peace. Like you are here with me, ‘playing’ the songs, I want to but for some reason can’t tonight, for me. Wrapping your arms around me and whispering in my ear to RELAX, like you always do. I can almost, almost feel the tension leave my body, almost. Thank you for that, I love you.

Thanks T-Swizzle, for reminding me that I have to BREATHE without him. I don’t want to, but I HAVE to….

“Breathe”
Taylor Swift ft Colbie Caillait

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it’s not easy,
Easy for me.
It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain’t easy,
Easy for me.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I can’t, 

But I have to.

Sorry,Sorry

Hurting again… I’m over this SHIT!!

Hey babes, it’s been awhile I know, 4 days to be exact. I have been deliberately avoiding you. Can you believe that? After how much I begged, broken on the floor for you to come back, I’m AVOIDING you.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just accept your love and be done with this wounded in a hole feeling that I can’t shake?!?

I have listened/read EVERY voice msg, txt, email you have sent, I have even responded to a few by either just replying to a txt or sending a quick voice response  BUT I wouldn’t talk to you the other night when you were trying so hard to get me to talk. I listened to your msgs and your tears, I even wept right along with you with BUT I just couldn’t respond because it is so much harder for me to only have a few seconds or mins with you before we have to part AGAIN for who knows how many hours/days/weeks. I am trying to not let you know that there is anything wrong while avoiding ANY personal interaction with you.

Does this sound wrong? Should I be trying to  keep you at least an arms length away because it hurts too bad when you leave?! Or should I just let you LOVE me like you have been trying so hard to do lately?!

I want and need to talk to you sooo bad. I am too scared that when we talk I won’t be able to hide my fears and tears from you. So avoiding you for now is how I am dealing with this. and it SUCKS!!

Please don’t give up on me. I really do LOVE you soo MUCH!

G’night My Moon… I Love You

Lights will guide you HOME. . .

I will try to… Fix You

My song to you tonight…

Gnight My Moon. . . I Love You (:

Birth of a New Tradition… a REVOLUTION is born

I recently received this in an email from a friend and thought it was just the POST to go viral this holiday season. So to my new friends please spread the word this is the REVOLUTION we desperately need (:

Christmas 2011 — Birth of a New Tradition

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high
gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods —
merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This
year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine
concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift
giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes
there is!

It’s time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in
a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?
Everyone — yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates
from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It’s appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some
health improvement.

Who wouldn’t appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned
detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a
book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down
the Benjamines on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift
receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or
driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants — all offering gift
certificates. And, if your intended isn’t the fancy eatery sort, what about
a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this
isn’t about big National chains — this is about supporting your home town
Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn’t use an oil change for their car, truck or
motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a
local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is
struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin
their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery
and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave
your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at
your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese
lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about
fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to
burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that
China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about
US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow
their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our
communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn’t imagine.
THIS is the new American Christmas tradition.
Forward this to everyone on your mailing list — post it to discussion
groups — throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in
your city — send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations,
and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other,
and isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Dear 3am… We have to stop meeting this way…

It is the time of the day/night I dread the MOST!! The time when most of the world is sleeping and I haven’t quite fallen to ‘nap’ yet & my mind is going a MILLION miles a second with a billion more thoughts swirling just as fast. THOUGHTS, crazy, disturbed thoughts. I am trying to be Ms. Positive. I really am. I am trying to just absorb your LOVE and ignore the voices in my head that are hissing warnings at me. I really am! But it’s just so damn hard.

I was trying to explain it today, the fear and anxiety that I am experiencing but it is so difficult to put into words. I KNOW now what if feels like to lose you. Before I just THOUGHT I knew what it would feel like but NOW, I know, and it is a GAZILLION times worse than I ever imagined it to be, and I am allowing the FEAR to take over.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that this evil beast is going to ruin EVERYthing with you. I’m scared that FEAR is going to convince me that ‘US’ isn’t worth the pain and hurt again. I think he is winning at this point anyway. When we’re together now I feel like I am stand-offish and that you feel that and that it’s going to push you away. That’s what FEAR wants, and I’m starting to think that maybe Fear is right, that I should just stop here while I’m still so broken and not yet healed. That if the tiny bit of healing that has happened would hurt less if it was ripped apart now before it has the chance to fully adhere to you & love you again.

You have been sooooOOOOooooooooooooo LOVING to me since all of this shit has happened. You tell me you love me. You tell me you will love me FOREVER. You tell me that with me is where you BELONG. You tell me that with me is where you WILL be, FOREVER. You make me smile. You make me laugh, actually laugh, not that funny ha ha bullshit laugh I have been giving EVERYone for so long now, BUT the full on, from the pit of your tummy LAUGH. And I’m so scared of losing you that I cannot fully appreciate all of these things. I feel like you are just trying to ‘comfort’ me, not that you are LOVING me.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

I’m ending this now before it gets too dark even for me. . .

G’night my moon… I love YOU, despite all my insecurities, I truly do LOVE YOU.

 

YOU WANT ME & I WANT YOU

Hey Moon I missed you. We haven’t talked in DAYS and it was miserable as usual. That changed tonight however. We are currently spending our MUCH needed time together & the ‘Butterflies’ return…

You’re watching New Moon & I’m writing this post and I couldn’t and WOULDN’T want to be with anyone else right now. This is how I want to spend my EVERY night. Snuggled up with you just ‘doing us’ while enjoying this thing called LIFE.

However, this ‘US’ I am speaking of I FEAR won’t last. Actually, I’m convinced it won’t because of the circumstances we are BOTH dealing with at this time in our lives. I’m trying to remind myself that YOU are worth it. That WE are worth it. I’m just finding it harder to BELIEVE, TRUST, IMAGINE, and mostly ACCEPT. I worry also that maybe YOU won’t remember that WE are worth it.

We worked so hard together as ‘US’ to make sure that we BOTH appreciated the others LOVE. and we were so fucking GOOD at it. We really were, we were soooooo good at being in LOVE. You made me a better me, a happier me. I miss that so much. I miss BELIEVING in ‘US’. I miss trusting that you were gonna be there when I needed you. I miss you taking my breath away from excitement, not from feeling a HURT so fierce the breath is sucked from you.

I know deep down that I BELIEVE in love. I know that with time I will open up and be more accepting and less skeptical, at least I hope these things. I wish them to be true. You tell me EVERY chance you can that you Miss me, think of me, love me, want me, Oh yea…. you want me…. Now, THAT brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.

YOU WANT ME & I WANT YOU 

I know that the TWO of us will fight for the OTHER no matter what. Because we LOVE.

I am making you pause your movie so that we can make some MAGIC (:

I love you my moon….. tonight and ALWAYS

If I had a gun. . . my song for YOU tonight my Moon

If ONLY, I had a gun baby. . . . .

Gnight My Moon. . . I Love You (:

Thank you SCOTT MITCHELL!! You said it PERFECTLY. . .

I don’t know you, I just found your posts, and yet YOUR writing sounds like the lyrics of my shattered heart. Thank you Mr. Scott Mitchell. I find your post Twinkling Lucidity touches my SOUL and for that I. . .

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

To you my Moon. RawR. These words are the CLOSEST I have found to expressing my LOVE for you. I Love You. . . . Forever. . . I feel like the LOVE we shared is starting to SPARKLE again.

 

 

Twinkling Lucidity

My angel eyes, if you only knew all you are for me
you’d always know that I love you
My heart’s desire, believe that you are my everything
I want you now and forever

Newton explained why the apple fell from the tree
now I’ve fallen for you
Drawn to you and caught in inescapable gravity
you’re the apple of my eye

In the time of my darkest moment, a light from the moon
now you’re my inspiration
Stars pushed away the clouds and heaven blessed me with you
even more than I prayed for

Looking upward would be futile now, it’s definitely true
your smile glistens more than a star specked sky
If I changed direction, I’d be a determined fool
I’ll stay in this abundance of all I need

Soon I will get on a plane, but you need to know
my heart endures here with you
Two thousand miles away and I’ll continue to hold
my promises, and I’ll prove them true

~

~

Scott Mitchell

http://fromscott.wordpress.com/ if you want to find more of Scott Mitchell’s A M A Z I N G words.

BTW Scott, I hope you don’t mind that I copied this? I will gladly remove it if you would like me to.

Comfortably Numb……. or NOT

I haven’t posted in a bit. I guess it’s mostly due to the fact that I’m trying to accept this LOVE that we are attempting AGAIN. I am saddened that I am so nervous to let you love me like I know you CAN. You are one of the GREATEST LOVErs I have ever known. Not the Oooohhh La La lover, although you are not LACKING in that department AT ALL!! perhaps that is another post tho, BUT the LOVEr that loves you with their EVERYthing, the lover that makes sure that you FEEL the love, you are so good at making sure I FEEL your love.

I love that, I love you, I’m just so fucking SCARED of what will happen to me if you are TAKEN from me. I know everyone says to just let it go and don’t be afraid and blah fuckity blah blah blah, but they are not me, they do not know just how HORRIBLE life was for me when you were GONE.

GONE, yea you were GONE & I had NO idea if you were coming back. I know that you are being patient with me. That you are trying to understand, that you are being patient as you try to understand where my FEARS come from. But I worry that your ‘patience & understanding’ will soon run out. That you will soon become ‘annoyed’ with my hesitation to FULLY fall back in love.

Hey babes, I started this post sometime this weekend. I have been avoiding anything electronical due to my FEAR of hearing/seeing/doing something that reminds me of YOU. I’m just gonna post this and start another one.

I love you…