Are you here to STAY or just to PLAY???

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Did last night REALLY happen? Did I REALLY talk to you? Did you REALLY tell me that you LOVE me with your EVERYthing?

Could the WORDS and MEMORIES be REAL?!?

I have been replaying last night over & over in my head since we said g’night, NEVER goodbye. I have imagined talking to you for weeks now it seems but when it ACTUALLY happened, EVERYthing I had planned out in my head, the WHOLE conversation I had thought out so carefully ALL those sleepless nights, my new motto: Fake It ’til Ya Make, EVERY fucking thing, FLEW out the window!!

Instead of the cool, I’m ok, BARELY thought about YOU, Life has been Dandy without you BULLSHIT I was gonna try to feed you, I was a blubbering mess. I was asking you my WHY’s, I was a crazy cry-baby, I couldn’t really put my thoughts into words, it was typical ME behavior, & you STILL just told me to RELAX & that you LOVE ME. Not our code for our LOVE, but you actually said the words & I FELT them more than I EVER have before.

I have been thinking for DAYS now that sleep is no longer what I consider what I fall into at night, and when we were talking and you said that you don’t really SLEEP anymore, you pretty much just take NAPS it was like you were describing my sleep since you have been gone & the evil-bitch that lives inside of me was PLEASED that you have been having sleep issues w/out me. Is that bad?

I started this post a few days ago. The first day that I actually talked to you in FOREVER. I woke up yesterday not believing that I really talked to you, not believing that I HEARD you say YOU love me, not our ‘word’ for our LOVE but the actual WORDS. My heart melted, I was able to take the breath I have been trying to take for weeks now. We talked again last night. I remember why I LOVE you so much, I remember why it was so hard to let you go and that all the raw emotion I felt was worth it, I remember why YOU are my EVERYthing!!

I have to say that I am so scared now. Scared that the little bit of progress that I made when you were GONE is just gonna disappear like you did and when/if you leave me again it’s gonna be that much harder to LIVE again.

I’m scared that my FEAR of losing is going to take over and I’m just going to shut you OUT so that hurting me isn’t an option. The last few days we have been together again I feel like I have spent much of the time talking about what happened & why. I’m scared I’m pushing you away by allowing you inside and hearing my deepest darkest thoughts, but I cant NOT tell you, because you are a part of me and I if you WANT to be a part of me if you need to know all the craziness that I have been feeling because MAYBE, just maybe, you will decide that I am not what you WANT. That is a huge fear of mine. That you won’t want me.

I know you keep telling me that you were as MISERABLE as I was, but I don’t think that is possible. If you WERE as miserable as I was without you, wouldn’t you have CONTACTED me? Wouldn’t you have done ANYthing to let me know that I was your EVERYthing? These are a few of the “WHY’s” that still haunt me.  These are a few of the reasons that I fear truly letting myself LOVE you without holding back.

You swoop in,  express your LOVE, tell me to RELAX , that you thought about me, that EVERYthing reminded you of me and magically EVERYthing really does feel better.  BUT what if this is a dream? What if you Really aren’t back to stay? What will happen to me if I LOSE you again? Will I survive another ❤ break again?

I’m sure I will cuz I’m a Mama & we will ENDURE ANYthing for our babies BUT if it wasn’t for them I don’t know, I don’t think I would WANT to survive w/out you. That scares me most of all…. That I don’t want to exist without you & REALLY that choice is not mine to make alone. It is something that we BOTH have to want and make happen.

I hope that US, is worth you fighting for. I know that I am trying my hardest. I hope that’s enough……..

I love you……

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1 Comment

  1. That is wonderful. I hope that everything continues to work out for you. It is so worth it when your feelings are returned.

    Reply

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