Love, Confusion & A New Found Friend

I havent been writing to you because I have been talking to you…. I know, the FORBIDDEN. How dare I? Blah fuckity blah blah. I dont really care what ANYone has to say or feel about me being with you.  Simply because I dont give a FUCK!! This is my HEART, my LIFE, and I will make my own CHOICES. Im sure that there are a MILLION reasons why we should not be together & I dont really want to hear them. I want to live in this BUBBLE, where you & I are in LOVE and doing whatever we have to, to make sure that this love BLOSSOMS.

I hope and pray that we will be working together side by side. I hope that you dont break my heart and leave me…. again. That what you are saying is TRUE?!? That you really arent feeding me a bunch of BULLSHIT. Should I believe you? Should I follow my heart? or should I follow my HEAD that is saying not to let it happen again. That there is NO WAY my heart, head… life, could survive LOSING you again. BUT im trying with my everything to ignore it.

YOU are HERE, YOU came BACK, you NEVER really LEFT

Is that really what happened? You SAY that you COULDN’T get in contact with me like I thought. That you tried but the timing wasnt right, and do you wanna know the messed up thing? I believe you. I believe that you couldnt. I dont really think you tried your HARDEST but i do think YOU were almost as miserable as I was.

Or am I just a STUPID, LOVE-BLINDED fool?  

Are you just saying this shit to me? I am so SCARED to let you back in. I mean FULLY in like you were before? Dont get me wrong, I LOVE YOU I’m just not letting you be MY EVERYTHING  just yet. I cant. I cant let myself be that vulnerable again. I cant let my heart break like that again. It wouldnt be able to survive it again so soon to having thought it LOST you before.

When we hang up I get anxiety that it will be the LAST time we talk again. That there is no way we will talk AGAIN. It’s horrible. I want to live in the bubble where our LOVE is enough for ANYthing & We will OVERCOME any obstacle and Do so while HOLDING hands and laughing BUT i just dont believe in that WORLD anymore. I dont know where that Happy in LOVE feeling went? I am now living in the I’m in LOVE and this shit SUCKS world.

I hope that i get out of this shitty funk soon before I push you away. I fear that now, that I will push you away and keep you away, while not meaning to. I have a fear that I wont be able to fully except your LOVE because I am so SCARED it will be ripped away from me again. I am scared… I am so scared & I dont know what to do.

I think Im so SCARED  that all of my WORST fears about YOU & US will come true because I found out today that there REALLY are horrible, terrible, deceiving, lying, master manipulators OUT there!! In REAL life & one of them HURT someone I have become fond of over this world wide web we have.

 I dont know her in person, I couldn’t pick her out in a crowd or even a line up for that matter, nor could she me, BUT I want to take her pain away. I want to KICK this ASSHOLE over & over & over AGAIN!!! I WANT him to FEEL the PAIN he is causing her a BILLION times OVER!!

But nothing in this fucked up world will EVER make sense. GOOD people will DIE, BAD people will LIVE, GOOD people will have BROKEN hearts & BAD people will be BREAKING them and the most FUCKED up thing is there is NO way to STOP it. Because GOOD people will ALWAYS have the heart to get BROKEN while BAD people dont have the HEART in them that it takes to truly experience the PAIN of HEARTACHE.

 I am saddened by this, but oddly I find peace knowing that HER & I are a couple of the LUCKY ones who are able to LOVE with our WHOLE hearts and our hearts will mend with time & someone who is just as A M A Z I N G as US (:  will come along and prove to us that all the pain we dealt with was WORTH IT!!

I believe this for her and for I

I am hoping that you are my ‘WORTH IT’……..

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