Dear 3am… We have to stop meeting this way…

It is the time of the day/night I dread the MOST!! The time when most of the world is sleeping and I haven’t quite fallen to ‘nap’ yet & my mind is going a MILLION miles a second with a billion more thoughts swirling just as fast. THOUGHTS, crazy, disturbed thoughts. I am trying to be Ms. Positive. I really am. I am trying to just absorb your LOVE and ignore the voices in my head that are hissing warnings at me. I really am! But it’s just so damn hard.

I was trying to explain it today, the fear and anxiety that I am experiencing but it is so difficult to put into words. I KNOW now what if feels like to lose you. Before I just THOUGHT I knew what it would feel like but NOW, I know, and it is a GAZILLION times worse than I ever imagined it to be, and I am allowing the FEAR to take over.

And I’m scared. I’m scared that this evil beast is going to ruin EVERYthing with you. I’m scared that FEAR is going to convince me that ‘US’ isn’t worth the pain and hurt again. I think he is winning at this point anyway. When we’re together now I feel like I am stand-offish and that you feel that and that it’s going to push you away. That’s what FEAR wants, and I’m starting to think that maybe Fear is right, that I should just stop here while I’m still so broken and not yet healed. That if the tiny bit of healing that has happened would hurt less if it was ripped apart now before it has the chance to fully adhere to you & love you again.

You have been sooooOOOOooooooooooooo LOVING to me since all of this shit has happened. You tell me you love me. You tell me you will love me FOREVER. You tell me that with me is where you BELONG. You tell me that with me is where you WILL be, FOREVER. You make me smile. You make me laugh, actually laugh, not that funny ha ha bullshit laugh I have been giving EVERYone for so long now, BUT the full on, from the pit of your tummy LAUGH. And I’m so scared of losing you that I cannot fully appreciate all of these things. I feel like you are just trying to ‘comfort’ me, not that you are LOVING me.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

I’m ending this now before it gets too dark even for me. . .

G’night my moon… I love YOU, despite all my insecurities, I truly do LOVE YOU.

 

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