I can’t BREATHE without you, but I HAVE to….

Hello there mister. It’s been a few days again I think. I hardly know what day it is anymore. Every day just consists of another day that I have not had any contact with you. And I’m pretty much OVER thinking of nothing but that for DAYS now, so yea I am now working on just breathing, in and out…. anywhoooo….

I do however know that we had Thanksgiving or what I am now calling Fucksgiving because really what I am thankful for, I am thankful for EVERYday of the year, NOT just on some designated Thursday of EVERY November because the calendar says so. I am also in the mindset that there are SOOO many things to not be thankful for that the holiday spirit in me puttered out days ago.

I am scared I won’t find it again before Christmas because usually Christmas is the happiest time of the year for me. I love Christmas songs, I love the feeling of Christmas. I love how things really do feel merry. I love walking around downtown, my nose numb with cold, being bundled up in scarves, hats, gloves with a warm drink in hand, with all the lights of the city aglow. I love the way you can see your breath in the night. I love snuggling up on cold nights. I love so much about Christmas but I am not finding the JOY in any of these things just now & I want to find it so bad….

I LOVE the SNOW!!! You know this, that’s another one of the reasons that it is so hard for me to un-love you, you remember how much I love snow. It warms my SOUL that when it snows you make it a point to msg me to say you are thinking of me as the snowflakes fall. That is just about the silliest reason anyone has ever loved someone but to me, it makes perfect sense. YOU, took the time to LISTEN to me ramble on about something as SILLY as SNOW but you also CARED enough to remember something so silly.

This writing tonight will be all over the place and I apologize, there is just so much going on in there that I have been trying my hardest to ignore but just keep buzzing away like angry bees trying to get out. Their stings over & over trying to remind me to FEEL. I do my best to block them out, to become numb to their sting, it is slowly working. Like I have built a tolerance up to their venom. There are the ‘lucky’ few who get their stinger in and inject their venomous memory in before I know what is happening. Those babies usually bring me to floor with the PAIN of you being gone.

As usual as I am writing to you tonight I am listening to music. Let me give you the list of songs that have played so far. Pearl Jam- Just Breathe, Mazzy Star-Fade Into You, Noel Gallagher- If I Had a Gun, Seether- Broken, Evanescence- Immortal Finger Eleven- One Thing., Taylor & Colbi- Breathe. Do you see a pattern here? Seriously?!?

As hard as it is to hear these songs, it actually brings me some peace. Like you are here with me, ‘playing’ the songs, I want to but for some reason can’t tonight, for me. Wrapping your arms around me and whispering in my ear to RELAX, like you always do. I can almost, almost feel the tension leave my body, almost. Thank you for that, I love you.

Thanks T-Swizzle, for reminding me that I have to BREATHE without him. I don’t want to, but I HAVE to….

“Breathe”
Taylor Swift ft Colbie Caillait

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it’s not easy,
Easy for me.
It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain’t easy,
Easy for me.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I can’t, 

But I have to.

Sorry,Sorry

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1 Comment

  1. mikaltok

     /  July 22, 2012

    Feelin the same way too. .

    Reply

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