Don’t forget to breathe… In and Out….

“Breathe”

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don’t be afraid to care
Leave but don’t leave me
Look around and chose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you’ll give and tears you’ll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
Run, run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don’t sit down, it’s time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave.

Blah… blah…. blah…

I don’t know how I am feeling at the moment really. I have some anger, a little bit of hurt, a lot more pissed off-ness, a teeny bit of sadness, and tons of confusion. You were supposed to call me tonight. It was all you talked about yesterday and into the early morning of today. How you couldn’t wait to spend time with me today. How it was something you had been looking forward to. I was so excited for tonight too. I was anxiously awaiting your call. I made sure to have everything I could do before 8pm, when you would call. Eight o’clock came and left, then came quarter after, before I knew it, it was already nine. I finally gave up and went back to the kitchen and made some cookies around 9:30ish. I just got a text from you about 20 mins ago saying you fell asleep and just woke up.

All I have to say is………

BULLSHIT!!!

Goodnight…..

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone, and I need you now…

Hey Moon. We have been texting much of the night and I must say you make me feel like a teenager again. Perhaps you truly are, My Teenage Dream (: Cuz, you make me… feel like I’m living a Teenage dream, the way you turn me on…. Whoopsie got a little carried away there. It has just been one of those days. I want to hear your voice again. I heard it today for the first time in what felt like years. I listened to the messages you sent me like a bazillion times today. Crazy… I know. But hey, we all go a little crazy sometimes… right Johnny??

I wanted to talk to you so bad today. I want to talk to you so bad tomorrow. I don’t know if I should though. I feel like if I do I am just saying that whatever happened or didn’t happen is okay, and I don’t really feel like it was okay. I don’t feel like you had a valid enough excuse to have treated me the way you did. I feel like I at least deserve communication. I don’t feel like I am asking much. Just the chance to know that everything is okay. That you are still walking this earth with me. That the ground hasn’t swallowed you whole. That…. okay maybe when I put it in to words it seems like a lot, but really it shouldn’t be a lot if you loved me like you did. You should want me to know that you are okay. I mean come on, I’m not asking for 4 hour conversations. Heck I would even settle for a text, hey or even a hi would do. Something. Anything more than nothing.

I have so much to say but again just not the right words to put with the thoughts. I miss you; I know I can say that. I love you, there’s an easy one for me. I hope I don’t chicken out of tomorrow and we do spend some time together. I know that my soul, my heart…. US could really use it. I am going to watch a movie I think. Relax on the couch and try to drift into a quiet slumber. Ha Ha who am I trying to kid. A quiet slumber is not something I have been lucky enough to spend time with since I can’t even remember when.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I am thinking of you, always. Sweet dreams… Rawr <333

I’m trying to…

Hey Moon, I am here and I alive. I made it through Christmas. I guess. It was like just another day to me this year. I haven’t felt like that since my grandma passed. I am usually so happy for the holidays. I spent some time with my mom’s side of the family for the first time since g-day. It was fun. I enjoy them. I forgot what it was like to play games and laugh so much. I missed you. I looked for you, even though I knew I would never see you. I still haven’t talked to you. I have sent a few responses but nothing very detailed just cordial. I am sorry. I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you. I just don’t want it to be for a few seconds. I want to be able to finish the conversation we start. I don’t want to be interrupted and not be able to finish. I hate when we don’t get to say a proper, see you soon. I have a lot to say to you. I haven’t been able to really write since I have been down. I will try to get all this out later or maybe even in the wee hours of the morning since I haven’t been sleeping well. I miss you. I think of you often. I am trying to believe. I wish it was easier. I don’t even remember what the tingle is like. That makes me sad. I miss the tingle too.

I hope you haven’t given up on me yet. I need to believe. I need to feel the love. Thank you for your messages they really do help. I read them when things get really dark. I am going to try to get some snuggle time in. I hope you are sleeping better than me. (Not really)

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I need you always.

I can’t sleep, so I will write to you instead.

It’s 3 am and I am still lying here wide awake. I can barely get comfortable. My neck is better but still bad, story of my life. I haven’t fallen to ‘nap’ before 4 am in the past week and its starting to wear me thin. I miss you. I still haven’t talked to you. I don’t know if I will talk to you. I don’t know if I should talk to you. I feel like you are so good at talking me out of my fears and I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Is it a good thing that you can take away my fears so easily? Or is it a bad thing and you are just masking them and not really taking them away? I have read everyone one of your text and emails, several times actually. They make me feel warm. They make me feel loved. I miss feeling loved by you. I miss you. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss snuggling you. I miss US. I need to believe in happy, that’s what I need to do. There is no way that US isn’t what makes me happy.

I just want more from you than you can give right now. I know that maybe I am being unreasonable but I deserve to be able to communicate with my ‘man’ on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to go days wondering where you are. If you are busy then I should be able to get some sort of message from you that you won’t be around. I shouldn’t have to sit here for days on end just ‘believing’ you will be back. You should be telling me, no, showing me that you will be back. If you can’t do that then there is no reason for me to put my effort into US. If you are willing to stick around until you CAN be there for me on a daily basis then you are my everything and I am happy with that. If you can’t then maybe you weren’t really in this for US and you were really in this for ‘him’ (you know who I am referring to!), and if that is the case then I don’t need or want you anyways!

I believe you will be here until US can be. You have been showing me daily since you came back, again, that you want me, that you want US. You message me throughout the day. You send me little I love you’s. You have been trying so hard to make me believe but it’s just not enough right now. This is all so déjà vu. This is exactly what happened the last time you HAD to leave. You swooped back in and made everything better for a few weeks. You were gone less, you were here more. You were good at loving me. You were amazing at showing me but then you had to leave again. Shit went down at your house and you weren’t able to contact me. But were your legs broke? Were you locked in your room like a toddler? Why the fuck couldn’t you have FOUND away to get a message to me? I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe I do but I just don’t want to believe it. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe my worst fear is true. Maybe when you are there without me I really don’t exist to you. That’s what I think anyway. I think that when you are there I am just a figment of your imagination and not really REAL to you. That’s why it is so easy for you to go days and days without contacting me. How long will you be here this time before you leave me? Will you be here for days? Will you be here for weeks? Will you be here for months? Or will you be gone for days, weeks, months again? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I wish that the answers were the ones I wanted to hear. I fear that they aren’t. I fear that the deepest, darkest, monsters that live in my head are right. That I am just something to pass the time when your family is not so hectic. You say that I am always on your mind but would you really tell me if I wasn’t? I doubt it. I have a lot of doubt. Doubt follows me around like a shadow. I don’t like him. I wish he would leave US alone. I have enough problems without doubt joining the party.

I must try to rest now my Moon. I’m sure the boys will be up soon and I have not even laid my head on my pillow. I miss you. I hope you prove all of this Doubt to be wrong. Don’t give up on me. I’m sorry.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I always will.

I know you’re somewhere out there…

 

 

Good night my Moon. I love you. I miss you.

Merry Christmas Moon.

Merry Christmas Stinky Face (:

I love you. I miss you. I must go play Santa now. Shhhhhhh……… It’s a secwet…

Hurt, sad, tired, and a bit confused…

You did it. You finally emailed me tonight. I have talked with you a little bit back and forth through messages. I want to just crawl into your arms and let you make it all better. I want to just say fuck it, whatever happened doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you are back. I want to act like it was nothing that you decided that you weren’t going to contact me for a fucking week.

What happens next time though? What happens next time you just go AWOL for fucking days? Do I forget about it then too? If I do isn’t it just a fucking endless cycle of you leaving and me breaking while I wait for you to decide that you miss me enough to reach out to me? I want to just forget it all and let you love me but do you? Do you really love me? Or do you just love the idea of being in love with me?

I started this earlier tonight, shortly after receiving your message. I still don’t know what I feel about you coming back again. I only talked to you through messages for a short bit and then had to remove myself from the conversation because I felt so hurt by you. I FEEL so hurt by you. I kinda feel like you don’t think it is such a big deal. I feel like you think maybe I should just take it and not bitch about you not being available to me. I just don’t know how to feel about this. Should I just accept it and move on because I really do love you that much? Or should I make a stand now? If I don’t will you continue to treat me this way? I feel so lost….

I’m sorry…. I love you…

Pushing it aside for the Holidays…

I am trying to stay silent. I really am. I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible with this pulled/strained muscle I have. It is hard because I can’t do much before I have to get into a neutral position. I have been listening to music. I took the boys out to dinner at one of our fav Mexican spots. I gave C my laptop to play on for most of the day. I encouraged the boys to fight with their light sabers in the house. Can you believe it, me the warden, encouraged all this craziness?!?

I have decided to continue to write to you on here but to avoid all other contact with you. I need to find Me again. I need to try to be okay, I’m not right now and that’s not okay. I have the perfect excuse to spend time and get lost in family, it’s the fucking holidays and I can barely get myself out of bed. I am so bad that I am physically hurting myself now. The lack of sleep and The Beast have worn my body so much I am pulling/straining muscles that I didn’t even know possible.

I must be losing it. Or maybe I am just finding Me again. I need to focus on me. I wish you well. I really do hope you and yours enjoy your holidays because I plan on enjoying mine! I owe it to my boys.  Thank goodness for my babies, without them I don’t think there would be a Me right now. They are my true WORLD and I need to remind myself that. I am sorry to my boys and my boys ONLY.

I still love you. Maybe now just isn’t the time for US. Perhaps there will be a time because I know that the love I have for you is REAL.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you. I’m sorry.

PS. Marjorie Johnson makes my heart happy (: You can find her here at BAKING. I just want to hug her. She makes me miss my grandma. Thanks for giving me a much needed smile Ms. Marjorie ❤

This song says it all tonight…

“Untouchable Face”

think I’m going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don’t want nobody to follow me
‘cept maybe you
I could make you happy you know
if you weren’t already
I could do a lot of things
and I do

tell you the truth I prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she’s not really my type
but I think you two are forever
and I hate to say it but
you’re perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am I
that I should be vying for your touch
and who am I
I bet you can’t even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer’s always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y’know, I don’t look forward
to seeing you again soon
you’ll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and I won’t know what to do
and I won’t know what to say

except fuck you…

I see you and I’m so perplexed
what was I thinking
what will I think of next
where can I hide
in the back room there’s a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there’s a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying

is fuck you…

I hope this anger is gone by morning. I love you. I’m sorry….