The BEAST who THINKS he’s here to STAY……

Hey babes I am still pissed about the post I wrote last night that wordpress decided to delete!! But really, I think that is just my way of taking my ‘pissed’ and putting it towards something else for a bit.

I went to ‘nap’ early this morning after HOURS of tossing, turning, crying & begging for sleep to finally find me. I think it was about 4ish that I finally got a few hours of non-rest while having the most vivid dreams that I have had in a while. I would have rather not slept at all then to sleep like that. I was just starting to sleep a bit more but for some unknown reason, sleep has decided that a friend is not something he wants to be with me, so POOO on you sleep, who needs you anyway?! I think I am beginning to understand why I am not on a friend basis with sleep….

I feel that there is a BEAST who follows me wherever I go, He sits on my shoulder as I work in Cub’s classroom, He comes in the shower with me as I cry until the water falls ice cold, He drops me to the floor as I am doing housework, He wont stop pestering me as I am driving and is determined to drive me insane, I don’t really think that I have ANY time alone without Him. I am thinking about naming ‘Him’, since it doesn’t seem like he will be leaving me anytime soon.

The worst part about this BEAST is that he won’t let me forget my anger, sadness, hurt, pain, love for you, how much I miss you. He wont let my FEAR of losing you rest AT all!!! That is probably His biggest reminder, he is so persistent and nagging. I wish I knew how to get rid of him but I cant seem to do anything about him right now.

Sometimes I think I am so NUMB that I don’t feel anything, and I really think that is the HONEST truth. I know that I stay awake at night hurting but other than the hurt I feel I am NUMB. I have to be that way, if I let any tiny amount of emotion loose my heart begins to race, my head hurts, I have to reel the emotion back and succumb to the numbness before He drops me to the ground.

I am sad tonight, like every night. I am hungry, I can tell because my stomach is growling but NOTHING sounds good, so I will go to bed hungry as usual. My head hurts, my heart hurts, I just hurt. I am having a pity party for myself tonight and you are definitely invited to the party. I don’t suggest it though. It will be a pretty dark party most likely. Def not for the faint of heart (:

I’m going to end this tonight before the Darkness Party seeps into this post anymore than it already has tonight. I pray that I have a ‘happy’ post for you soon. I know that there is ‘happy’ in me. I know this because you are a part of my soul, so there is a part of me somewhere that is happy. I know this, I am trying my hardest to remind myself of this every waking moment. I hope you don’t give up on me.

Goodnight my moon, I will meet you in my dreams hopefully. I love you.

 

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