The emotional roller coaster I now call my LIFE….

Hey there Moon. I made it home. I enjoyed the ocean. I enjoyed the fresh sea air. I enjoyed the bottles of wine & laughs that I shared while I was there but, I missed you. I missed not hearing your voice. I missed not being with you. Don’t get me wrong, I truly did enjoy being away for a bit and just being, but, I missed you so much it hurt at times. When will that stop? When I not hurt when you are gone? Will that happen? Should that happen? I dont know. I dont know if the feelings I am feeling are right? Is there even a ‘right’ way to feel when you LOVE? I dont know. . .

We talked for like 6 nano-seconds last night….. and it sucked!! I almost dont want to talk to you when we can only talk for a few minutes. It makes it so much harder to go after only a few mins. It is easier for me to ‘ignore’ the hurt when I cant physically talk/be with you. I’m sure that it is just me being a baby, but I have always been a ‘baby’, I warned you from the beginning and OF COURSE you accepted me and LOVED me and I just dont get it!!

WHY? why are you so good at loving me?? Why are you always there? Why do you keep coming back? Why do I wake up EVERY morning to msgs from you saying how you love and miss me? Why do you make my heart skip a beat, my breath quicken, my pulse race….

Am I seriously complaining about this??

What is wrong with me? Is it because even though you do all these things my mind still can’t accept the fact that you are going to be there when I wake up? Why is it so easy for my tipsy self to realize that US, is the way it should be but so difficult for sober stubborn me to see this?

I know the answer to this difficult question. I just won’t let myself think about it because there is NO WAY that you aren’t going to leave me like everyone else. It just isn’t possible. So I don’t want to let myself believe that you really plan on sticking around for the long run. No one has before… People don’t stay… You WILL leave me… I can’t take the pain of that… it’s much easier for me to inflict the pain myself, it is a different kind of hurt when I EXPECT it than the hurt I feel when I am living in this fucked up little bubble where you are mine, & all I feel is LOVE and we live happily ever after, I know that happily ever after doesn’t exist!! and you want to know the MOST fucked up thing about ALL of this? I still WANT that happily ever after so bad!

Ever since you gave me the strength to let down some of my walls and just feel and I listened to you, I let a few down, I started to FEEL. I was happy, I was LIVING and you were there… You were right by my side the whole time. Holding me telling me to relax, it was all going to be okay because you were there, you loved me and you weren’t going ANYWHERE. I believed that maybe you would be here. Maybe we would have that happily ever after if I could let all of the walls down. But……

Then you left, you had to, someone took you away from me and made me think that everything we had was bullshit. They made me think that you weren’t EVER going to be mine and that you were NEVER coming back. and I believed it. It broke me. I literally had to pick myself up off the floor somedays. I can’t do that again. I would rather KNOW you are leaving and just wait it out then to be blindsided by the pain again.

I will smile so no one sees my sad, I will laugh so no one hears my hurt, & I will fake it ’til I fucking make it!!!

I know this post is all over the place. I miss you so much today, more than I usually do. It makes it so hard to FEEL the love we have when I am feeling this way. I know its there. I know it will be. I know this, I just have to BELIEVE… and I’m trying. I truly am. I love you. I need you. I dont ever want you to stay away. Please dont let me push you away. I need you…

Talk to you soon my moon…. I love you forever.

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