It’s crazy, stupid, LOVE

I am in the middle of a fucking MELT down right now. My tea kettle is whistling and I don’t even have the energy to go pour the fucking tea. FUCK!!

Okay, the tea is poured I hope I will be able to make sense. I apologize if this is EVERYwhere. My emotions are running high tonight.

I just hung up on you, well not really hung up, I more threw it down and it hung up on its own but,  I couldn’t take it any longer, I couldn’t stop the tears, the freaking out, the crying, the yelling, the anger, the holding it all in, the HURT, I couldn’t stop the ANYTHING any longer. I was sick of pretending, it has always been so hard for me to be anything but REAL with you. There has never been any hiding from you. You always know when I am not okay. You always know when I am about to crack. I yelled at you, not in the mad at you way, more the crying so hard you are trying to talk so you end up yelling like a Yeti, yea, I know that had to sound sexy!! . I told you that I wanted to be alone. That I didn’t want to do this anymore. I was mean.  I basically told you how I thought it was all sunshine and roses at your house while its tears, tissues & insomnia here. I told you a lot of things that I have been feeling. I was a mumbling mess.

And do you know what you did? You kept sending me msgs telling me how much you love and need me. How you believed in me. How you knew it was hard for me, that it is hard for you too but you KNEW that we would overcome this for US. You told me how you think of me throughout the day. That you find yourself reminded of me often. That you LOVE me and most importantly that you will never stop LOVING me.

You reminded me of a night not so long ago when a few too many glasses of wine led to some much needed LOVE. You reminded how that night I was so certain of US, that I BELIEVED with my whole heart. You did what you do best. You did what you always do. You talked me off of the ledge I was on. You made me remember that feeling that I had forgotten about. That feeling that I forget about every time you are away from me for long periods of time. I believe, I know I do. Thank you for reminding me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I have given up on myself.

 I started this post earlier when I was in full panic mode. I am sorry if it was hard to understand. I was melting like a Popsicle in Phoenix. But you saved me. You always do. I am starting to think you might really be here for the long haul. I am hoping you are. I love you. Thank you for tonight. Thank you for listening to me, for understanding me, thank you for letting me be me, and most of all THANK YOU for LOVING me.

G’night my Moon, I love you, I always will…….

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