I want to bottle up this Tingle and carry it with me ALWAYS…

Hey babes I’m sitting here snuggling the baby so I’m currently typing one handed. He’s fussing so we are gonna take a YouTube dance break (:

We’re back; he’s in the exersaucer thingy now. We rocked out to some Katy P and T-Swizzle. I miss you like crazy today. I woke up this morning remembering the events of last night. What a roller coaster that was. Thanks again for not letting me give up on US.

I woke up feeling a lil bit of that feeling that I thought was going to be lost to me. You know the one I’m talking about. The feeling that everything will work out. That tiny glimmer of hope. I woke feeling ALMOST happy. I woke with the tingle of last night still on me. I miss waking like that. I miss waking without the feeling of dread that I feel most mornings. It was an amazing reminder of the feeling that I used to wake with every morning before things were so fucked up. The excitement I used to feel waiting to be with you is missing now. Instead I have this heaviness that lingers, telling me that you might not be here anymore, that you might not be mine anymore, and I hate it. I am fighting it as hard as I fight The BEAST. I will win this. I will not let my fear or The BEAST take you from me. I kicked them both off of me this morning when they tried to creep in and over take the tingles from last night. I did a pretty good job of keeping them both at bay. They tried hard to bring me down today but I wasn’t letting that happen. Whenever I felt shitty I blasted my iPod and rocked out to Ms. Katy P, she always brings a smile to my face. She can kick my ass out of a funk almost as good as you.

I spent the rest of the night exactly how I wanted to, with you. Of course it was A M A Z I N G. You didn’t shy away from my tears; you held on tight and reminded me why they are not necessary. You didn’t avoid my fears; you laid them to rest and then lay with me to reinforce the fact that you aren’t going anywhere that you will stay with me as long as I will have you. This is all so foreign to me. The fact that you are not running away, that you want to stay here and be with me, it all boggles my mind. I am hoping that this feeling stays with me for longer than the night. I hope I can continue to stay so positive. I know if you get your way it will happen. You showed me how to FEEL again tonight. You are so good at making me feel. No one can do the things that you are able to do to me. It amazes me everytime. You amaze me everytime.

Thank you for tonight. Thank you for reminding once again that US is worth fighting for. You made the tingle of last night run into the tingle of tonight. I remember when the tingle was always there, when it was never gone. I hope those days return. I hope I can carry your tingle with me. I hope it stays like it used to, I miss your tingle almost as much as I miss you. I love you, I am going to try to drift off into slumber land and have wonderful dreams of you. I can’t wait to spend tomorrow with you.

Goodnight my Moon, I love you, I need you, I always will.

 

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