Desperately seeking Tingle…

Good morning my Moon. It was amazing waking up to you this morning. If you were apart of every morning that would be a good day. I was thinking of you in the shower this morning, I just bought some of my fav body wash, (that I have been avoiding getting more of because it reminds me so much of you), and the smell instantly brought back memories of 3am showers not too many months back. Ah, those were the good old days. When 3am showers were what was keeping me up at night, (not the monsters that now reside in my head). I felt good this morning when I was in the shower. I felt ALIVE. I was happy. I had already talked with you this morning, you started my morning with an I love you sunshine of my life (: That brought smiles to my face immediately. I mean who could not feel amazing when the one that completes them greets them as soon as their eyes open for the day? This is the first day to another weekend apart and since I have been feeling pretty good these last couple days I had high hopes this morning thinking that I would be fine this weekend. That I would carry that Tingle with me until Monday at least. That I could do this because you believe in me and I believe in you.

That was before the message I got today. The message that was NOT from you. The tingle that I have been so good at nurturing these last few days was ripped from this afternoon. My heart dropped as soon as I saw what time it had been sent. I knew that there was no way YOU were the one to send it because you weren’t around TO send it. I was trying not to panic. I was trying to take slow, deep, breaths. I was trying to shove the BEAST back into his hiding spot. It was really not working. He was there struggling, fighting back, it’s like I could feel his breath on my neck. Like he was right there breathing all that FEAR right onto me. Every negative thought I had ignored the past 4 days came slamming into me all at once. It was a horrible feeling. It really did feel like the wind was sucked out of me. The message was from another beast that has been haunting me these last few months. That beast that I am referring to is not someone I would like to communicate with at all. I have nothing to say to them. I don’t wish them anything but happiness but I have no desire to ever have to communicate with them, (but really if what I wish for at night, is to ever happen, then I might HAVE to communicate with them one day, and, in a sick way, I’m hoping I do HAVE to communicate with them at some point). Because the ONLY way I would ever have to communicate with them would be because we, would be US, and that is what I want with my everything. I want for we, to ALWAYS be US. I will do whatever it takes for US. I am hoping that you will too.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to suck. I am trying to remind myself to BELIEVE, I really am. It’s just so fucking hard when you are not here helping me. Reminding me of the love, the laughs, the happiness we share. I have been trying to find the spark to that tingle since I read it but I can’t seem to find it at all. Panic has set back in. I can feel the darkness creeping closer and closer. I am doing the best that I can without the help of that tingle I have been relying on the last few days. Silly that it seems so much harder to even recall the moments we shared these last few days without that silly tingle. It was so easy to get lost in the tingle and have the memories wash over me. I’m sure it sounds a bit ridiculous that I could get lost in a tingle but I’m serious, I really have been letting that tingle keep me happy, make me feel alive, reminding me that US is so worth it. I am trying to find that spark. I am trying to FEEL that tingle. I know that tingle is there, just below the surface trying to break through the icy exterior. Fighting to make me FEEL.

I am going to get out of this house before I go MAD!! I know I’m about two steps from mad as it is. I am hoping that the crisp winter air will refresh me. Give me that renewed feeling that I desperately need right now. I am going to remind myself to breathe. I am going to remind myself of US. I am going to remind myself that I BELIEVE in you. I am going to remind myself the FEEL of you. Most important I am going to remind myself of your LOVE.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you. I always do, I always will. I am trying my hardest to battle these demons.

 

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1 Comment

  1. I liked it. You are full of very nice senses. But…it will pass. To use your own analogy, you will expand your universe and find some incredible and beautiful planets and stars. Not just satellites, they are ok, but it is basically just a cold, dry rock following a real planet (meaning you) and we like it because it`s the closest space thing we can see. :-))))

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