It’s 11:11, I wished for you, I always do…

Hey Moon. I am here, I am still alive, I guess that is what you call this, me alive  but I don’t know if I would call what I am doing living. I am breathing, sometimes, I try to keep myself as busy as possible it’s easier to breathe that way. I have been spending some much needed time with my sister these last few days. I like it here. There is no internet so I can type on here and get what I need to say out but I don’t have to bother with the anxiety of checking my email every sentence to see if I have missed an email from you. I can just let the thoughts flow and not worry about any interruptions.

I hurt myself today. For real. I did something and I can hardly move the right side of my body. I am only able to type to you now thanks to my friend Ms. Vicodin. I really have a thing for her today. She is helping me be able to move. I kind of like this pain. It reminds me that I can feel. I don’t however like being able to not move. I am feeling a little nauseous now from her assistance but I think it is well worth it due to me not being able to even take a breath in without crying out in excruciating pain.  I wish I knew exactly what I did though. I was fine when I woke up, fine in the shower, fine while I was doing my hair and face, fine while I was dressing. I got everything ready to leave packed up the laptop, because I don’t go ANYWHERE without her now, grabbed my purse, my keys, shut off the bedroom lights, walked out of my room through the kitchen to the front room and by the time I made it to the couch I was bawling and having to just drop everything on the couch and stayed there crying. I pretty much think I was crying for almost 5 minutes before the Baby Daddy even bothered to look my way. I couldn’t even be mad I was in so much pain. I couldn’t lift my head up, I couldn’t lay it back, I couldn’t lift my right arm, it was fucking ridiculous and I am so pissed because there was not ONE thing that I can think of that did this. There was never a time that I went, ‘OWWWWW… that really hurt.’ Never. I don’t understand. It would be less maddening if I could pinpoint what did it. But at least I have something to dwell over to keep my mind busy.

See, I have not one time in this yet talked about how on the inside I am dead. I refuse to check my email because I don’t want to be right when there is nothing from you. I don’t turn on my phone because you aren’t calling and I don’t want to talk to anyone else. I usually don’t get out bed because I don’t want to see anybody. Thanks to my sis who’s been spending some much needed time with me. If it wasn’t for her I would still be in bed wallowing in my sadness. I am so over wallowing. I mean fuck, its 5 days till Christmas, my favorite fucking holiday, and I haven’t bought Lump a real present yet. Seriously? This is what I have fucking turned into? I can’t believe it. I am ashamed of myself to tell you the truth. I am ashamed that I have allowed another being have such control over my emotions. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t really know if this whole love bullshit is worth it. Does it get better? Shouldn’t the good start to out weigh the bad? I mean wouldn’t I be telling any of my female friends that if the good doesn’t outweigh the bad to get the FUCK OUT!?!

I was interrupted earlier when I was typing. I don’t remember what I was saying. I’m sure it was nothing nice. I haven’t really had a ‘nice’ thought in days. I am losing this fight. The Beast is taking over, I am not in a good place. I am sorry.

I love you…

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