Am I really this close to giving up??

I’m here, but just barely. I don’t even know what day it is. I know we are less than a week from Christmas but that’s about it. My sadness is turning to anger now. I don’t know how you could be doing this to me again? How you would just disappear for fucking days without saying or messaging me. Like seriously? We are back here again? Back to you just not even attempting to get a hold of me? But I’m supposed to just be okay with the fact that you are no where again? I’m supposed to not freak out because you had shit to do and I should just deal? Hmmm…. Nope, not so much. I am pretty tired of being last on your list of importance.  Really this just makes me think that all those crazy thoughts that have been running through my head for so long are probably pretty accurate. This wanting to spend forever with me is pretty much bullshit. What could possibly keep you from me this time? You said, I can’t wait till Monday. To me that means you were going to be around on MONDAY?!?

I go from mad to sad so quick its disgusting. I am mad at you but I am so sad too. I am so close to saying fuck it. Fuck being sad, mad, hurt, lonely, tired, full of doubt, and every other fucked up feeling I am feeling now. I don’t think I want to continue. I want to use this anger to get over this. Maybe US wasn’t supposed to be? Maybe I am just sick of being cooped up in bed from this messed up neck. Maybe I miss you and wish you were here so bad… Maybe I really am just going to give up…. it seems like you already did….

I am probably gonna stop now because I am hurting really bad. My neck is no better. I can barely move actually I have been stuck in bed all day. I couldn’t even lift my head up this morning. It was pretty horrible.

I have so much more to bitch about but these damn pain pills make me sick to my stomach and the thought of tossing my cookies makes me cringe because I can imagine how bad that would hurt my neck.

I hurt, I miss you, I need you, I hate you right now….I love you.

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4 Comments

  1. A good man will make you happy. I’ve been with men who made me miserable and made me feel constantly on edge. That isn’t love. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel like shit. People don’t change…. Obviously this person isn’t considerate of your feelings – they don’t deserve you. I hope it gets better!!!

    Reply
  2. I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy. I wish I could take your pain away and show you how to find you again. It can be so easy to let others steal your joy and move you to the point of depending on them for your happiness. You need to find what makes you happy when you are alone or with others who make you feel good. It can be a very long road, deciding how not to allow someone to make you happy or unhappy. Once you get to this point, you will find someone you do not depend on to make you happy, they will add to your happiness. Will you visit my blog and my other site http://TheLifeAtHome.webs.com for some inspiration? We understand pain and would love to be here for you 🙂 I wish you the best and I hope once you find yourself again, a wonderful man worthy of your presence will sweep you off your feet….and add to you, not take away from who you are.

    Reply
  3. You are so welcome. We are all here for each other. Merry Christmas!

    Reply

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