I can’t sleep, so I will write to you instead.

It’s 3 am and I am still lying here wide awake. I can barely get comfortable. My neck is better but still bad, story of my life. I haven’t fallen to ‘nap’ before 4 am in the past week and its starting to wear me thin. I miss you. I still haven’t talked to you. I don’t know if I will talk to you. I don’t know if I should talk to you. I feel like you are so good at talking me out of my fears and I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Is it a good thing that you can take away my fears so easily? Or is it a bad thing and you are just masking them and not really taking them away? I have read everyone one of your text and emails, several times actually. They make me feel warm. They make me feel loved. I miss feeling loved by you. I miss you. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss snuggling you. I miss US. I need to believe in happy, that’s what I need to do. There is no way that US isn’t what makes me happy.

I just want more from you than you can give right now. I know that maybe I am being unreasonable but I deserve to be able to communicate with my ‘man’ on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to go days wondering where you are. If you are busy then I should be able to get some sort of message from you that you won’t be around. I shouldn’t have to sit here for days on end just ‘believing’ you will be back. You should be telling me, no, showing me that you will be back. If you can’t do that then there is no reason for me to put my effort into US. If you are willing to stick around until you CAN be there for me on a daily basis then you are my everything and I am happy with that. If you can’t then maybe you weren’t really in this for US and you were really in this for ‘him’ (you know who I am referring to!), and if that is the case then I don’t need or want you anyways!

I believe you will be here until US can be. You have been showing me daily since you came back, again, that you want me, that you want US. You message me throughout the day. You send me little I love you’s. You have been trying so hard to make me believe but it’s just not enough right now. This is all so déjà vu. This is exactly what happened the last time you HAD to leave. You swooped back in and made everything better for a few weeks. You were gone less, you were here more. You were good at loving me. You were amazing at showing me but then you had to leave again. Shit went down at your house and you weren’t able to contact me. But were your legs broke? Were you locked in your room like a toddler? Why the fuck couldn’t you have FOUND away to get a message to me? I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe I do but I just don’t want to believe it. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe my worst fear is true. Maybe when you are there without me I really don’t exist to you. That’s what I think anyway. I think that when you are there I am just a figment of your imagination and not really REAL to you. That’s why it is so easy for you to go days and days without contacting me. How long will you be here this time before you leave me? Will you be here for days? Will you be here for weeks? Will you be here for months? Or will you be gone for days, weeks, months again? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I wish that the answers were the ones I wanted to hear. I fear that they aren’t. I fear that the deepest, darkest, monsters that live in my head are right. That I am just something to pass the time when your family is not so hectic. You say that I am always on your mind but would you really tell me if I wasn’t? I doubt it. I have a lot of doubt. Doubt follows me around like a shadow. I don’t like him. I wish he would leave US alone. I have enough problems without doubt joining the party.

I must try to rest now my Moon. I’m sure the boys will be up soon and I have not even laid my head on my pillow. I miss you. I hope you prove all of this Doubt to be wrong. Don’t give up on me. I’m sorry.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I always will.

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