I can feel how much you love me, and it just blows me away…

Hey there my Moon. I got ALL of your messages today. Thank you. You brought a smile to my face, sparkle to my soul, and the tingle I have been missing and needing so much. You truly amaze me. You don’t give up on me. You don’t let me push you away. You hold on tight and make me FEEL and I love you for that. I miss you so much. As much as I know that you are there and blah, blah, blah, it doesn’t matter when it seems you have been gone so long and the tingle and love we share is no where to be found.

I have that girls weekend/week coming up. I am nervous. I want to go, no; I NEED to go so bad. I need to get away from the madness that is my life right now. But will I miss you too much and it shows to others around me? I don’t really care but I don’t really want to have to talk about US yet. Not to anyone. Here, and only here. That is where I get to talk to you. Say goodnight to you. Love you. Yell at you. Miss you. Want you. Here is where I can do all of these things openly and freely and I don’t have to care if anyone here knows that I am so deeply in love with you. I want it to be known here that you have completed my soul. That you and I will never be apart no matter how far we are because you live, inside of me, in my heart, you are my SOUL.

I love you. I miss you. I need you. Thank you my Moon.

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I get the tingles in a silly place…..

 

You make me smile please stay for a while now just take your time….

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

Ring around the rosie…

I want to write. I want to write so badly. I have so much inside that I want to get out, put to paper (or blog-per?) and just be done with it but I don’t know where to begin. I have good feelings going on inside. I have nervous feelings going on inside. I have wishful feelings in there fluttering around. I’m basically a cluster fuck of emotions right now. It feels good. I feel alive. I am feeling again. Those are all good things. There are some not so good things in there too but I am not focusing on that right now. It means that I’m starting to wake up inside. That the crazy dormant feelings are starting to feel a little bit of the tingle that I have missed so much.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am afraid it will fade and this will all just be a dream. I’m just going to hold on tight and see where this takes US. I missed you.

I love you. I miss you. I forgive you. Goodnight my Moon.

I don’t know what to say, I will find a song that can….

 

I miss you. I need you. I love you………

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right?

I was having a tough morning. I was having a pity party for myself actually. I had this very real, very vivid dream of us last night and I couldn’t fall back to sleep once I awoke. I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop worrying whether you love me or not. I know you do. I know that you loving me is not something I have to worry about. You do. Are you doing it the best way possible right now? Yea, not so much but hey shit happens in life. I have to remember that. There are fucked up things that happen that are out of our control and they don’t make you love me any less.

With all that being said I was still having a shitty morning. I still missed you. And then, I see that there are more comments than I knew and started reading through them. It always tickles me to see that there are people out there who take time out of their day to write me words of encouragement and caring. Thank you for that. Thank you so much to all of you Lovies out there who read my ramblings and heartache and still send your love. It means so much to me. Thank you also to those of you who don’t comment but simply take the time to read my ramblings, it helps just to know someone, somewhere, cares. While reading I come across a message that made me smile and tear up. I don’t really have the words to express how much this touched me. I am posting a copy of the comment below because I think that everyone who is hurting could find some peace after reading it.

Thank you so much my friend. Thank you for reminding me to believe in ME and not only US. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face. May the next 80ish days go by quickly and as painless as possible (:

Your soul is intact, my new friend. NO FORCE OR INDIVIDUAL can touch your inner being; it simply feels that way because of the level of your commitment to this person.
In time you’ll move on; someone new will stir your soul – and loins – and all this will be a painful – but strangely beautiful – memory. I say that because every experience , good or bad, serves to shape the person we’ll eventaully become.
And after all this, you’re going to become a stronger, wiser, more intelligent person who is prepared to love again – with everything you are.

Goodnight my Moon. I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.

Too much US for time to erase… I miss you.

I spent the morning reading the last months worth of communication with us. I know, I know, crazy, psycho, class 5 clinger thing to do but I had to. I dreamt about US, well you mostly, last night. You held me close. You wouldn’t let me go no matter how hard I struggled. You just held me. You kept whispering in my ear. I said horrible things to you, I yelled at you to just leave, leave like everyone else, you wouldn’t, you didn’t. You held on tighter, you kissed my neck, you told me to remember, to believe. You said you were never leaving, that you meant it when you said you loved me and wanted it to work. You cried with me. It was the most vivid, real, dream that I have had in awhile. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, my heart was racing, and there was NO chance of falling back asleep.

What else did I have to do other than reread the messages? I started with December 23rd and could only get through the 27th before I had to stop. I couldn’t breathe again. I haven’t been able to much lately. I went and lay down for a bit and took a nap. I only slept a few hours last night and was exhausted from all the emotions I was feeling. I have decided that you were real. What we had was real. US is real. That there must be a reason behind why we are apart, it might be a good one or even an acceptable one but I know there is a reason and even if we are apart that it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love me. You did love me. You do love. I know you do because I can feel it. I can feel that somewhere out there you are loving me. You said you were not going to leave me. That not everyone leaves. I am trying to believe.

I am trying to be less ‘glass half empty’, which makes me smile because we just talked about this the other day, how you are so positive all the time and I am always bracing for earth shattering news. So, I am trying, I am going to stop thinking that the reason why you are gone is because you don’t love me because I know that you did, that you DO love me. I forget that in all of this craziness that you have gone through some pretty big life changing events since the New Year. I hope you are okay. I hope that you know that wherever you are that I love you. Please don’t mistake my love for forgiveness because don’t think that all of this goes away because I love you or you love me? Ummm… no, not at all actually. I am just reminded that things are different now than they ever have been before. I forget that your day to day life is not the same and that you don’t have the access to certain things that you used to. I was reminded last night of something you said to me about not being like everyone else. How you would never leave me that you would never want to leave me. That you love me that you love the good, bad, crying, sad, happy, silly, annoying, funny, unusually long raging PMS bitch that I can be. I believed you then and I believe you now. I am going to go dig my Believe  cup out of the back of the cupboard where I stashed it and I am going to believe, have a cup of tea, and love the shit out of you, of US. I miss US. Again, I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.

Slow deep breaths, good job I can do this.

I am trying to breathe. I am trying to take deep full breaths. I am failing miserably. I can get about half a lung full and that is it. I am focusing on my fingers on the keypad now. I am trying not to think about you. I am trying not to let the hurt take over. It’s quiet here. Too quiet. I don’t like the quiet anymore. Maybe it’s because it’s never really quiet anymore at least not in my head. There is no peace of mind. Now, after all the years that I have lived the saying makes sense. It is a horrible thing to not have peace of mind. The thoughts and demons up there don’t ever S H U T THE F U C K UP!! If it gets quiet they really start stomping around and running amok.

Well, it worked. I am breathing and didn’t even realize it. I am able to fully breathe in. amazing how well this writing to you is help me. Even if I don’t realize it. I know that through this process I will be happy, sad, miserable, excited, giddy, hurt, confused, some at the time others I will experience alone but it is sure refreshing to be able to get it out here. To be able to put it down, all the hurt, pain, sadness, excitement, tingle, sparkle, everything here and just let it out and be done with it. It helps. It helps a lot. At times I am embarrassed by my crazy, up and down, left then right, here then there ramblings but then I remember that you loved me, all of me, the good, the sad, the class 5 clinger, the crier, the laugher, the so happy to be US and so deeply in love me, that you didn’t run when things got dark but rather sat with me through the darkness reminding me that for as dark as it was that you were there loving me, holding me, cheering me back to the bright side (: you would sit for hours and listen to me ramble about anything and everything and actually LISTEN, like remember something I said or liked from weeks or months before. You could make me laugh, a real laugh, a from you belly can’t hold it kind of laugh. I miss that. I miss the you I thought you were, no the you that I know you are. I feel so confused. How could I have been so wrong? I couldn’t be. There is no way that you were fake or not real. I won’t allow myself to believe that. I am going to try believing again. I am going to try to remember why I have been doing this for so long now. I know it’s because no one has ever made me feel this complete love, so deeply in my soul before. I have felt love, please don’t get me wrong but I have never felt this kind of love before, with the exception of my boys but they don’t count seeing as how our love is off the charts because remember a boys best friend is his mother (:

I’m starting to remember why I started this tonight. I gave into weakness and called you. I knew that you wouldn’t answer but I had to call. So I did. It rang. I obviously deep down thought hoped it would go straight to voicemail and be off because as soon as it rang my stomach dropped, if there would have been anything in my stomach I may have been in serious trouble of losing it for a second. It hurt so much to hear the rings and you not answer. Immediately images of you looking down and seeing it was me only to ignore it jumped in my head, the next was of the two of you laughing over the caller id at who was being weak and calling, not getting the picture soon followed. By the time your voicemail picked up and your voice came on I fully expected to hear a personal message to me saying to get over it and move on and stop being a clingy bitch and quit calling. It wasn’t a personalized message it was the same one you have had. It gave me butterflies. It took my breathe away. It brought a pain so fierce it dropped me to my knees. All the memories of that voice telling me to relax, to let you love me, to believe, to not give up, everything you whispered to me came flooding back and the pain of losing it all was is unbearable. I am trying my hardest to fight it. I am trying to be strong not let this bring me down, not let it make me feel so dark. It’s going to be a battle, a struggle, but I will overcome it. I will be a better me after all of this however our story ends.

I feel as though I should allow force myself to be lost in smutty reality TV land. I wonder who will get a rose tonight…. Wish it could be me……….

I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I hope you are okay. I am so sorry….

We met, we talked, it was epic… but then the sun came up and reality set in. Fuck you reality!

I thought I was in a dark place before but if that was a dark place then where the fuck am I now? This has to be a living hell. I am now at the point where it doesn’t matter who is around or what I am doing when the pain of you being not here hits me I break. The tears start flowing, if I am standing I need to find a place to sit, the floor has been the ‘place’ more than a few times ): I know that I will be fine. I know that there are worst things in life but right now I hurt. I miss you. I want you back. I want you to fix the pain no matter what the reason was but that is silly. There is no way to fix this another time. This time I feel like there is no valid excuse. There is nothing that would make this okay right now. someday there may come a time when I am able to accept whatever it was that brought us to where we are today but today, today is not the fucking day. I am going to try to keep the anger that is bubbling under the surface there, under the surface, for this one. There will be a time for that I am sure. You will be so sick of reading about the anger but I don’t care. I hope you get sick of it. I hope you feel the hurt and anger that I am feeling right now. I am more hurt than anything.

I am so hurt that you wouldn’t have let me heal after last time. I was on the road to getting over US. I was blindly making my way down the path of healing, I know that I was far from where the path should end but I was a lot further down the fucking road than I am today after you spent another few months feeding me bullshit lines about how US what was supposed to be. You were so happy. That you couldn’t believe we had found each other. My favorite has to be the night we were laying there and you asked me if I ever thought when I first met you that we would be where we are today, so in love, so perfect, so a piece of my soul? It felt like you reached into me and pulled the thoughts from my soul and spoke them. I fell more in love with than ever that night. Fuck you. Fuck you for that. Fuck you for breaking my soul. For taking a piece of it with you and not protecting it or keeping it safe but rather let it drop to the floor and shatter. I know I said I was going to keep anger out but oops sometimes I am a bit feisty, its one of the things I like about me, I have the ability to be quite feisty when needed. And fucking with my soul and heart is one of those much needed times.Fade into You is on right now. Maybe trying to get me back on track, although I have no idea where that would be. I am such a fucking jumbled mess.

Someone, a friend I will call them now I think because they made me smile at the most impossible time and made me feel alive too, so thank you for that my new friend, I’m definitely ‘Hooked’ (: again… sidetracked, A friend asked if my soul was in turmoil. For some reason this brought a sad smile to my face, yup made me smile again this new friend of mine(: I pondered it for a moment because I couldn’t explain the way I felt right now any better than that. My soul right now is a state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty, which also happens to be the definition of turmoil. I am hurting, I am sad, I am a lot of things right now but it’s my SOUL that is most effected right now. I have been bitching and crying about my heart all this time but really my heart will love again, it will continue to beat, but my soul, I don’t know about my soul. Will it still be after being ripped apart? Can my soul go on with a part of it missing?

Sadly, I don’t have a choice but to find out the answer to this horrible question any other way than just continuing to breathe, in and out. We will see. I am sure that my heart will keep me alive. Will keep me walking this earth but with you out there without me… well, I don’t really think I will be doing anything other than just the surviving. I won’t be me. I won’t be living….

I miss you. I am sorry if this is a rambled, jumbled, cluster fuck of emotions and thoughts I told you I’m not in a good place right now. I am seriously fighting back the demons in my head. There is no silence for me now. There can’t be. I avoid if at all possible now. There has to be some sort of sound on, usually music but the TV will work if it has too. I won’t turn it off even when I sleep and usually I love the silence. If it is silent it is so much harder to not let the thoughts run wild up there.

I love you.

I hear it fading, I can’t speak it…..

Must we hide from everyone………………..

Passing time, trying to breath, wishing to just exist…

I’m here, trying to pass the time until, I don’t really know what I am waiting for anymore. I guess I am just hoping to pass the days so that I can be further away from the memories of you. I am not going to look back this time. I am going to try my hardest to just forget about you. I am sad. This will be hard but I am going to take all the pain and hurt and anger and sadness and use it to forget about you, to fuel the fire that is needed inside to beat the other demons in my life right now. If I am being stupid and not patient and whatever else it is you want to call me then, ooops my bad, but fuck you for not trying. And if you are in some kind of trouble or something terrible happened, well, fuck you again for not letting me be there when you need someone most. And fuck you even more if you DO need someone and I, obviously, am not the someone that is there which would mean that this really was just a waste of my fucking time and emotion.

I liked things the way they were before you know. Where I knew I was in this alone. Where I was comfortable with having no one to really confide in. I was living my half alive life and I was making it. I was done with all this love and hurt bullshit. I had the best walls up ever and then you waltz in fuck everything up and tear through my walls like a fucking tornado and then disappear just as quickly. Well, fuck you again.

I am not in a good place right now. I am glad that I can get all of this out. That I can say all the terrible things I want and then let them go. I know that most of this is just the angry beasts that are screaming in my head. I know that if anything were wrong with you I would feel terrible and horrible for the rest of my days. I hope you are safe. I hope you are just a fucking douche bag and nothing really has happened to you. I hope this anger goes away soon. I hope I don’t let the hurt of US fuck up all the healing that the LOVE of US has done. I know that no matter how our story ends that in the end it was worth it because you taught me how to love again. You reminded what it felt like to be in love again. To believe in love again. I am reminded that I deserve to be loved, truly loved. I forgot what it felt like to be loved. I forgot how the butterflies and breath taking moments were what life is about. I only hope that the next time I find this love, because I will, I will find a love like this again, I get to keep it.

I wish it could be US. I wish it could have been US till the end like it was supposed to. I wish the hurt didn’t hide the happy so much. I wish that you were here to take the hurt away and remind me of the happy. I wish that I wasn’t so mad at you all the time. I wish I didn’t hate wishing so much. I wish wishes came true…..

I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. Please be safe. Please be okay. Please don’t forget about me.