I am trying to breathe. I am trying to take deep full breaths. I am failing miserably. I can get about half a lung full and that is it. I am focusing on my fingers on the keypad now. I am trying not to think about you. I am trying not to let the hurt take over. It’s quiet here. Too quiet. I don’t like the quiet anymore. Maybe it’s because it’s never really quiet anymore at least not in my head. There is no peace of mind. Now, after all the years that I have lived the saying makes sense. It is a horrible thing to not have peace of mind. The thoughts and demons up there don’t ever S H U T THE F U C K UP!! If it gets quiet they really start stomping around and running amok.
Well, it worked. I am breathing and didn’t even realize it. I am able to fully breathe in. amazing how well this writing to you is help me. Even if I don’t realize it. I know that through this process I will be happy, sad, miserable, excited, giddy, hurt, confused, some at the time others I will experience alone but it is sure refreshing to be able to get it out here. To be able to put it down, all the hurt, pain, sadness, excitement, tingle, sparkle, everything here and just let it out and be done with it. It helps. It helps a lot. At times I am embarrassed by my crazy, up and down, left then right, here then there ramblings but then I remember that you loved me, all of me, the good, the sad, the class 5 clinger, the crier, the laugher, the so happy to be US and so deeply in love me, that you didn’t run when things got dark but rather sat with me through the darkness reminding me that for as dark as it was that you were there loving me, holding me, cheering me back to the bright side (: you would sit for hours and listen to me ramble about anything and everything and actually LISTEN, like remember something I said or liked from weeks or months before. You could make me laugh, a real laugh, a from you belly can’t hold it kind of laugh. I miss that. I miss the you I thought you were, no the you that I know you are. I feel so confused. How could I have been so wrong? I couldn’t be. There is no way that you were fake or not real. I won’t allow myself to believe that. I am going to try believing again. I am going to try to remember why I have been doing this for so long now. I know it’s because no one has ever made me feel this complete love, so deeply in my soul before. I have felt love, please don’t get me wrong but I have never felt this kind of love before, with the exception of my boys but they don’t count seeing as how our love is off the charts because remember a boys best friend is his mother (:
I’m starting to remember why I started this tonight. I gave into weakness and called you. I knew that you wouldn’t answer but I had to call. So I did. It rang. I obviously deep down thought hoped it would go straight to voicemail and be off because as soon as it rang my stomach dropped, if there would have been anything in my stomach I may have been in serious trouble of losing it for a second. It hurt so much to hear the rings and you not answer. Immediately images of you looking down and seeing it was me only to ignore it jumped in my head, the next was of the two of you laughing over the caller id at who was being weak and calling, not getting the picture soon followed. By the time your voicemail picked up and your voice came on I fully expected to hear a personal message to me saying to get over it and move on and stop being a clingy bitch and quit calling. It wasn’t a personalized message it was the same one you have had. It gave me butterflies. It took my breathe away. It brought a pain so fierce it dropped me to my knees. All the memories of that voice telling me to relax, to let you love me, to believe, to not give up, everything you whispered to me came flooding back and the pain of losing it all was is unbearable. I am trying my hardest to fight it. I am trying to be strong not let this bring me down, not let it make me feel so dark. It’s going to be a battle, a struggle, but I will overcome it. I will be a better me after all of this however our story ends.
I feel as though I should allow force myself to be lost in smutty reality TV land. I wonder who will get a rose tonight…. Wish it could be me……….
I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I hope you are okay. I am so sorry….