Right now I’m here, there, and everywhere….

Hey there… I am just sending you some love tonight. I am struggling right now with the events of the last few days. I believe in you. I don’t care right now if I shouldn’t because I do. You have been trying so hard to make me feel your love, to not let me give up. I am not as strong as I try to be sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna be held, loved, kissed, and hugged. Is that really too much to ask for? I don’t know maybe it’s not that I’m asking too much…… or maybe…. I’m just not asking the right person.

I am so convinced that the way you make me feel is how it is supposed to be. That the love I feel when we are together is what I deserve, what every woman deserves. Then I start to think that maybe this bullshit love feeling that I am talking about is just that… bullshit. I can’t remember a time when I felt the way I do right now. I mean I must have, somewhere along the path that got me here, I must have felt some of the love that I feel with you. I can’t remember feeling it. Or maybe it has been so long and I have just blocked it all out. I know how hard it hurts to have love taken away so maybe I have just locked all those feelings away and you are just slowly able to unlock them, one by one you are knocking down the walls that I have had in place for so long. I don’t know how I feel about it. I want to be able to just let them down but they have been protecting this heart of mine for so long I don’t know how to ‘feel’ without them.

Did you lose you in this post tonight? I know that it is everywhere, because I am everywhere right now. We have spent some of the most amazing time together these last few days. You have made sure to make me feel you. You have made sure to tell me you love me. I am finding it harder and harder to say it in return. I have resumed the ‘Rawr’; our little way of saying I love you without actually ‘saying’ it. I know that for awhile we both just stop saying Rawr and started saying I love you. I don’t know how come I can’t bring myself to say I love you as easily as before. I am sure it is just another survival tactic of the brokenhearted but I miss the way it would just roll off my tongue. How it was almost as easy as breathing, it would just come out, I didn’t think about it, I didn’t over analyze and tell myself to stop to use the ‘Rawr’. I am doing that now. I want to say it; I have a few times, but nowhere near as often as before and definitely not as easily. I have to actually kinda force myself to say it or I am so caught up in whatever moment we are sharing it makes it easy to say it.

If this hasn’t’ been an emotional fucking rollercoaster tonight. I am going to end it how I started it though because at the end of the day, today at least … I believe in you. I believe in US.

I am going to try to sleep tonight. I don’t know that it will come easy; it hasn’t for the last few weeks anyways. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Goodnight my Moon… I’m sorry. Rawr

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