Around, around, around, we go. Where we stop, NO one knows…

 

Big things are SUPPOSED to be happening this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this. I am on one hand so excited. I am actually trying to talk myself down a bit. I am bit giddy with excitement, I can feel it there buried under all of the anxiety and sadness I have. If things go the way as planned this weekend, well, that means big huge things for US. But that also means big huge changes for you and Little Man. I am most saddened by that. I feel more all over the place than ever right now. I am happy that things are changing; I am saddened that things are changing, and I am nervous that things are changing.

Will the events of this weekend really take place? I have my doubts. Some of them are valid, reasonable, doubts (at least to me). Some of them are just what the monsters and ghosts in my head have conjured up. I know that some of them stem from the fact that I have no real knowledge of what your daily ‘life’ is really like. I am so doubtful that the conversations that do or don’t take place really DO or DON’T happen. I know that is horrible, terrible, down right despicable, but can you blame me? I have nothing but let downs and tears to go off of. That has been what my past experiences have been.

I am such a skeptic. I am so glass half empty kind of girl, I wasn’t always this way you know. I used to live life wild and free, then MJ died and so did that part of me. Now, I prefer to KNOW that the bad is coming, instead of being the doe eyed dummy, that gets ripped from her ‘everything is ladybugs and rainbows’ dream life and slammed into the hard, solid, concrete ground of reality so fast that she shatters. That is not the role I want to ever play again. I much prefer to see the ground coming and am able to position myself that hopefully my feet hit first.

I have more to write just not the time right now. I will be back soon…. Rawr.

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1 Comment

  1. sexuallifeofawife

     /  January 7, 2012

    I hope the weekend happens like you want it to…

    Reply

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