Are you going to take me out of this black hole?

The weekend is officially over, has been for SEVERAL hours now. Do you think that I have heard from you today to let me know how or if the events that were SUPPOSED to take place this weekend have or have not. I received your Love you miss you, packing right now text but that was Friday. It’s Monday, afternoon, and I still don’t know how or what you are doing. I wonder as I sit here anxiously awaiting some sort of news from you, do you ever sit and wait for my calls, text, and messages? I doubt it. One reason is because I don’t ever leave you hanging. I am always so happy to be able to spend the little bit of free time that I have with you that I don’t waste time getting to you. Should I be less eager from now on? I wish that there weren’t so many questions that I don’t really want to know the answers to.

I want to yell right now, I want to throw a fit and scream and cry and pound my fist but I won’t because I refuse to give you that much power over me right now, that of course could change by the end of this but for this minute right now, I am NOT giving into my anxiety, hurt, fear.  I will ‘fake it till I make it’ and pretend that this is not tearing me up right now. I’m going to ignore the demons that have been filling my head with whispers of US not making it. I am going to act like I don’t hear them over and over again telling me that US is not strong enough to survive this. I am trying to anyways. It’s hard. Life’s hard. Loves hard. FUCK…. The whole not giving you the power bullshit, yea it didn’t even last a fucking paragraph! I wish that I could be the strong, no man needing woman that I have been trying to nurture for so many years now but I can’t. I lost her. I don’t know where she is. I want to find her. I want to not care so much. I want her to swoop back in and slap me back to reality. I want her to remind me that I need no man to feel alive. I know that I don’t, it just doesn’t matter what I know when the feelings I have are taking everything that I know and making them doubts.

I have tried everything this weekend to keep myself busy and my mind from wondering to you. I cleaned house, in heels (: I listened to all of the music I love. I turned it up as loud as I could and I just let it wash over me and take over. I am pretty sure that my neighbors are sick of my music by today but I am pretty sick of my thoughts so I guess I should end this for now.

I am giving into all the doubts and fears that I have been trying to fight so hard all weekend by MYSELF, yep I said by myself, because I feel like you are gone. If these events or whatever the fuck you want to call them were so important to you, to me, to US, then you would think that you would at least try to let me know how you are, where you are, if you are okay. But Nah… who cares it’s just me. Nobody.

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1 Comment

  1. I remember I used to always be so eager to respond to my ex’s texts and calls when we were together… it always bothered me too that he never showed quite the same consideration.

    Reply

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