I’m sorry…. that I think you suck today.


I’m sitting here staring at my EMPTY inbox for the millionth time today and for as sad as I am inside, I feel nothing but anger, hurt, not sad. I don’t know, it has been a long time since I have been in the oh so fanfuckingtastic world of a new relationship but from what I can remember there hasn’t been a time since high school that the guy I’m with has gone DAYS without contacting me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just spoiled or too demanding but I feel like we should have some sort of communication everyday. There shouldn’t be a day that goes by that we don’t have some sort of interaction, not one. And maybe, just maybe I am a demanding bitch, but you know what? Too fucking bad, that is the man I want. I want someone who doesn’t want to go DAYS without contacting me at all. I want someone who is excited to tell me about their day or the going-ons in their fucking life. If that’s not you. That is okay. I am an understanding individual, at times, and I get that maybe what is important to me in a relationship is not what is important to you, and that is great that we are finding that out, but I wish it was because we had a CONVERSATION about what it and it wasn’t because one of us, ahem… me, was ignored and put on the back burner for days while god knows what is happening to you.

I mean fuck, is that asking a lot? Really? Am I demanding more of you than what someone else is asking of their partner?

Am I overreacting?

I don’t know now you have me questioning myself. Before this I was so convinced that I was not being ridiculous and that every healthy couple spoke on a daily basis, (I know that there are couples out there that are not in contact on a daily basis due to work or life issues. I’m sure there are so many military couples that would LOVE to speak on a daily basis, I am talking about the partner that has no interest in talking with you) or at least made some type of attempt at contacting. I don’t know now. I am so confused. I feel so hurt that it has actually been days since we have talked. I mean the last time we talked you said I will talk to you tonight…

That was two days ago.

It got real bad for me today. I sent you a message telling you I am done. I feel bad about it, I felt bad as soon as I hit send, I know that you deserve to be told that in person and not in message but I was mad and hurt and at a low and I sent it before I could think. I was so pissed that you still hadn’t even at least sent an email I let the anger take over and before I knew it I had told you goodbye. I am so weak. I don’t mean it. I would cave in a heartbeat if you came back right now, but I am banking on you giving up on me and finally allowing me to push you away, so I don’t think that I will have the chance to give in to anything.I am sorry for being weak and sending you that. I am sorry for not just coming here and getting my anger out. That’s how I like to do it. I get all the angry out here so that when I talk to you the anger is gone and I can continue to fake the rest.

Hell on heels just came on so I am guessing someone out there is trying to tell me to get the fuck over my pity party here and man up (:

I know, I know, I am not in a good place and maybe shouldn’t even be venting here but if I don’t I think I might just explode so it was here or……………………. Yeah…

Oh shit here comes that anger back. I am listening to the angry thoughts in my head and we just don’t know what kind of excuse you could come up with this time. I mean really? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………. Maybe this was a bad idea. I am just making myself angrier with each word typed. I am feeling better but angrier and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad one. I mean, if I am being ridiculous and demanding for wanting to have some kind of communication on a daily basis then I feel bad for being this angry. But if on the off chance that I am not being a bitch then FUCK YOU!! I need to start telling myself that I deserve better. I just don’t know if I am being ridiculous or not.

The love of US is telling me that love doesn’t go away when you do. That even if you aren’t here or able to be here that I should just know that you still love me. That the love for US is still right here blanketed around me. I just can’t seem to figure out how to allow that to happen. I have said from the very beginning, I am broken, I don’t know if I will ever be fixable, I am scared to let myself feel that kind of love again. I don’t know what to do with love anymore. I don’t know how to respond to someone saying something and meaning it not just wanting something. I am sad again so quickly just thinking of how sad it is that if you really do love me the way you say you do that I am so broken I don’t know how to process it. I am so busy trying to push you away so that I am prepared when you leave that I won’t allow myself to feel your love. I know that is what I am doing. I am trying to push you away because I know you are going to leave in the end anyway. Everyone leaves. They always have. They always will. So will you.

Am I so fucked up that when someone shows me love I immediately push them away…….

 

This was a post from earlier. I am sure it is all over the place since that is exactly what I am, all over the fucking place. I miss you. I will try to write to you soon. I have so much I want to say but it has been a busy, sleepless, day. Rawr….

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2 Comments

  1. Pretty raw post, my friend! Well done.

    Reply
  2. birdxo

     /  February 19, 2012

    ((( hug )))

    Reply

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