Passing time, trying to breath, wishing to just exist…

I’m here, trying to pass the time until, I don’t really know what I am waiting for anymore. I guess I am just hoping to pass the days so that I can be further away from the memories of you. I am not going to look back this time. I am going to try my hardest to just forget about you. I am sad. This will be hard but I am going to take all the pain and hurt and anger and sadness and use it to forget about you, to fuel the fire that is needed inside to beat the other demons in my life right now. If I am being stupid and not patient and whatever else it is you want to call me then, ooops my bad, but fuck you for not trying. And if you are in some kind of trouble or something terrible happened, well, fuck you again for not letting me be there when you need someone most. And fuck you even more if you DO need someone and I, obviously, am not the someone that is there which would mean that this really was just a waste of my fucking time and emotion.

I liked things the way they were before you know. Where I knew I was in this alone. Where I was comfortable with having no one to really confide in. I was living my half alive life and I was making it. I was done with all this love and hurt bullshit. I had the best walls up ever and then you waltz in fuck everything up and tear through my walls like a fucking tornado and then disappear just as quickly. Well, fuck you again.

I am not in a good place right now. I am glad that I can get all of this out. That I can say all the terrible things I want and then let them go. I know that most of this is just the angry beasts that are screaming in my head. I know that if anything were wrong with you I would feel terrible and horrible for the rest of my days. I hope you are safe. I hope you are just a fucking douche bag and nothing really has happened to you. I hope this anger goes away soon. I hope I don’t let the hurt of US fuck up all the healing that the LOVE of US has done. I know that no matter how our story ends that in the end it was worth it because you taught me how to love again. You reminded what it felt like to be in love again. To believe in love again. I am reminded that I deserve to be loved, truly loved. I forgot what it felt like to be loved. I forgot how the butterflies and breath taking moments were what life is about. I only hope that the next time I find this love, because I will, I will find a love like this again, I get to keep it.

I wish it could be US. I wish it could have been US till the end like it was supposed to. I wish the hurt didn’t hide the happy so much. I wish that you were here to take the hurt away and remind me of the happy. I wish that I wasn’t so mad at you all the time. I wish I didn’t hate wishing so much. I wish wishes came true…..

I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. Please be safe. Please be okay. Please don’t forget about me.

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2 Comments

  1. Time heals ALL wounds; I’m glad you recognize that! Now if we could only speed up the process…

    Reply
  2. Youarethesame

     /  November 4, 2015

    Breaks my heart to know that you and I both went through every gd emotion. I fought and fought cause I was so afraid of being hurt. He was so good and patient… For sure too good to be true. But worth every ounce if it was real. I just knew he was different. And what has hurt the most is he wasn’t different from the rest a whole other level of hurt. I had no idea he could share our kind of love with someone else. And I say like you do.. Mine was real so I can’t stop my feelings. I feel so stupid that even the tingle and things you said were the same ughh god. I’ve exhausted myself for him and will continue to because I love our kids so much and he knew I was trying to break cycles and the kids especially. They can’t know he didn’t love me. I live on hope that one day I’ll get brutal honesty so that I know it’s real again. Until then like you I’m living empty but savoring every minute of my pretend life….I wonder how many he’s promised his life to…

    Reply

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