We met, we talked, it was epic… but then the sun came up and reality set in. Fuck you reality!

I thought I was in a dark place before but if that was a dark place then where the fuck am I now? This has to be a living hell. I am now at the point where it doesn’t matter who is around or what I am doing when the pain of you being not here hits me I break. The tears start flowing, if I am standing I need to find a place to sit, the floor has been the ‘place’ more than a few times ): I know that I will be fine. I know that there are worst things in life but right now I hurt. I miss you. I want you back. I want you to fix the pain no matter what the reason was but that is silly. There is no way to fix this another time. This time I feel like there is no valid excuse. There is nothing that would make this okay right now. someday there may come a time when I am able to accept whatever it was that brought us to where we are today but today, today is not the fucking day. I am going to try to keep the anger that is bubbling under the surface there, under the surface, for this one. There will be a time for that I am sure. You will be so sick of reading about the anger but I don’t care. I hope you get sick of it. I hope you feel the hurt and anger that I am feeling right now. I am more hurt than anything.

I am so hurt that you wouldn’t have let me heal after last time. I was on the road to getting over US. I was blindly making my way down the path of healing, I know that I was far from where the path should end but I was a lot further down the fucking road than I am today after you spent another few months feeding me bullshit lines about how US what was supposed to be. You were so happy. That you couldn’t believe we had found each other. My favorite has to be the night we were laying there and you asked me if I ever thought when I first met you that we would be where we are today, so in love, so perfect, so a piece of my soul? It felt like you reached into me and pulled the thoughts from my soul and spoke them. I fell more in love with than ever that night. Fuck you. Fuck you for that. Fuck you for breaking my soul. For taking a piece of it with you and not protecting it or keeping it safe but rather let it drop to the floor and shatter. I know I said I was going to keep anger out but oops sometimes I am a bit feisty, its one of the things I like about me, I have the ability to be quite feisty when needed. And fucking with my soul and heart is one of those much needed times.Fade into You is on right now. Maybe trying to get me back on track, although I have no idea where that would be. I am such a fucking jumbled mess.

Someone, a friend I will call them now I think because they made me smile at the most impossible time and made me feel alive too, so thank you for that my new friend, I’m definitely ‘Hooked’ (: again… sidetracked, A friend asked if my soul was in turmoil. For some reason this brought a sad smile to my face, yup made me smile again this new friend of mine(: I pondered it for a moment because I couldn’t explain the way I felt right now any better than that. My soul right now is a state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty, which also happens to be the definition of turmoil. I am hurting, I am sad, I am a lot of things right now but it’s my SOUL that is most effected right now. I have been bitching and crying about my heart all this time but really my heart will love again, it will continue to beat, but my soul, I don’t know about my soul. Will it still be after being ripped apart? Can my soul go on with a part of it missing?

Sadly, I don’t have a choice but to find out the answer to this horrible question any other way than just continuing to breathe, in and out. We will see. I am sure that my heart will keep me alive. Will keep me walking this earth but with you out there without me… well, I don’t really think I will be doing anything other than just the surviving. I won’t be me. I won’t be living….

I miss you. I am sorry if this is a rambled, jumbled, cluster fuck of emotions and thoughts I told you I’m not in a good place right now. I am seriously fighting back the demons in my head. There is no silence for me now. There can’t be. I avoid if at all possible now. There has to be some sort of sound on, usually music but the TV will work if it has too. I won’t turn it off even when I sleep and usually I love the silence. If it is silent it is so much harder to not let the thoughts run wild up there.

I love you.

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3 Comments

  1. Wow! Amazing that you end with ‘I Love You!’
    Well done for keeping going – sometimes that may seem like the hardest thing in the world… But hopefully will lead to some easiness/happiness/contentment…
    Thank you for the quote!

    Reply
  2. “Can my soul go on with a part of it missing?”
    Your soul is intact, my new friend. NO FORCE OR INDIVIDUAL can touch your inner being; it simply feels that way because of the level of your commitment to this person.
    in time you’ll move on; someone new will stir your soul – and loins – and all this will be a painful – but strangely beautiful – memory. I say that because every experience , good or bad, serves to shape the person we’ll eventaully become.
    And after all this, you’re going to become a stronger, wiser, more intelligent person who is prepared to love again – with everything you are.

    Reply

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