Too much US for time to erase… I miss you.

I spent the morning reading the last months worth of communication with us. I know, I know, crazy, psycho, class 5 clinger thing to do but I had to. I dreamt about US, well you mostly, last night. You held me close. You wouldn’t let me go no matter how hard I struggled. You just held me. You kept whispering in my ear. I said horrible things to you, I yelled at you to just leave, leave like everyone else, you wouldn’t, you didn’t. You held on tighter, you kissed my neck, you told me to remember, to believe. You said you were never leaving, that you meant it when you said you loved me and wanted it to work. You cried with me. It was the most vivid, real, dream that I have had in awhile. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, my heart was racing, and there was NO chance of falling back asleep.

What else did I have to do other than reread the messages? I started with December 23rd and could only get through the 27th before I had to stop. I couldn’t breathe again. I haven’t been able to much lately. I went and lay down for a bit and took a nap. I only slept a few hours last night and was exhausted from all the emotions I was feeling. I have decided that you were real. What we had was real. US is real. That there must be a reason behind why we are apart, it might be a good one or even an acceptable one but I know there is a reason and even if we are apart that it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love me. You did love me. You do love. I know you do because I can feel it. I can feel that somewhere out there you are loving me. You said you were not going to leave me. That not everyone leaves. I am trying to believe.

I am trying to be less ‘glass half empty’, which makes me smile because we just talked about this the other day, how you are so positive all the time and I am always bracing for earth shattering news. So, I am trying, I am going to stop thinking that the reason why you are gone is because you don’t love me because I know that you did, that you DO love me. I forget that in all of this craziness that you have gone through some pretty big life changing events since the New Year. I hope you are okay. I hope that you know that wherever you are that I love you. Please don’t mistake my love for forgiveness because don’t think that all of this goes away because I love you or you love me? Ummm… no, not at all actually. I am just reminded that things are different now than they ever have been before. I forget that your day to day life is not the same and that you don’t have the access to certain things that you used to. I was reminded last night of something you said to me about not being like everyone else. How you would never leave me that you would never want to leave me. That you love me that you love the good, bad, crying, sad, happy, silly, annoying, funny, unusually long raging PMS bitch that I can be. I believed you then and I believe you now. I am going to go dig my Believe  cup out of the back of the cupboard where I stashed it and I am going to believe, have a cup of tea, and love the shit out of you, of US. I miss US. Again, I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.

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  1. I just wanted to say I am going through a similar situation…I have lost the man I loved so much, my Soul Mate….I have felt all these feelings you have…you are much better than me at putting them into words. Don’t feel alone…I am in that same place you are…between sleeping and awake….and waiting too. (((Hugs)))

    • I am so sad that we are in this club together but thank you for your words. it means a lot to me that someone out there would take the time to read my heartache and comment. thank you for that. (: I wish you well on this sad journey. ❤


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