I have been asked a few times the ‘back-story’ on US. I had never thought to write one because this blog started out as emails that I was writing to him, who from this point on will be referred to, as Moon, but didn’t quite have the courage to hit the send button. My drafts folder of my email was getting bigger and I decided instead of keeping them in my email to just put them down in this blog so as to not have the CONSTANT reminder of Moon whenever I was on my email, which happens to be ALOT, sadly. Since I mostly write to Moon here I guess I have overlooked that someone might actually want to know where US came from. So I will try to do my best with The Story of US.
Let me start with, I have not yet decided just HOW much I am willing to put out here about my life, Moon’s life, and US. I know that as of now I am completely anonymous BUT you never know.
I have up until now ALWAYS considered myself to be a STRONG woman. I am quickly learning with the pain, and now fear, of losing Moon has brought with it the reality that I am no such thing.
Here goes nothing…
I am a single mom of 2 boys with an unusual living situation, more on that perhaps another time. He is ‘in the process’ of learning to be a single dad with a son. We met YEARS ago through a mutual friend when we were BOTH single, but they were, ‘Hi, nice to meet you/see you again, Bye.’ types of encounters. We then lost touch for a while.
About a year ago we re-connected through the same friend. We were at the time both at home full time with our kids. We ended up spending LOTS of time together. Let me add that we were ALWAYS in the company of someone else, be it our kids or another mutual friend. We NEVER spent one on one time without at LEAST one of our 3 children present, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish even if we had tried.
We had much of the same interests and time so we ended up spending our ‘free’ time doing things together. When we first started spending time together we did things like, watch movies, watch TV, play video games, ALL while having at least one other adult person with us. Seriously, we did nothing to be on the floor broken over if he would have been taken from my life. We did however TALK while doing all things mentioned above. I am pretty sure we even talked just about the WHOLE movie through on any movie we have ever watched just Moon and I.
I can honestly say that I had NO idea that Moon had any sort of ‘feelings’ for me at all. At one point almost a year ago, a mutual friend made a comment to me that Moon liked me. I laughed it off and told him he was being silly and he was only making himself sound like a jealous friend. That there was no way that Moon had any sort of feelings for me. We were FRIENDS and that was all there was to it! I mean, I think that I would KNOW if someone ‘liked’ me. Moon had never said ONE thing to me make me feel like he had any INTEREST in me as any MORE than a friend, EVER. Oh, how naive can one really be??
It turns out Moon did like me, and I liked him in return.
I knew that with the situation Moon was in that I was NEVER going to be the one to express feelings. My plan of action was to remain the FRIEND that I had been when Moon needed someone to vent to about… the kids NOT listening for the hundredth time that day, the dinner that was RUINED by grandparents who think that you like making dishes that will go wasted due to their poor choices, the tenth load of laundry in the last 2 days, the overwhelming feeling of becoming ‘lost’ on the path to being the best parent you can, & mostly just the pleasure of conversations with an ADULT.
Things did not work the way I had planned. We spent MONTHS just hanging out when we could, and being there for the other whenever it was possible. During this time we found that we have similar likes and dislikes. We found that we have both experienced a loss that has changed us forever. We laughed, cried, giggled, yelled, encouraged, and eventually fell in love, together.
I fought it. I fought it so hard.
I was the nagging voice of reason for months, ‘There is no way we can do this, you can’t love me, you can’t let me love you. We have to stop this.’
Seriously, I was like a broken fucking record but it didn’t matter how much I tried there was no stopping US. We couldn’t do it. We couldn’t fight it, we still can’t (:
As much as I bitched and moaned I wanted it so bad, I was just too scared to believe that he was different, that I deserved to be loved, and that I could love back.
I was am scared to believe in US, to believe in forever, to just BELIEVE but, Moon is slowly making me believe again. Moon is showing me that there is, can be a forever that not everyone leaves, or gives up when things get ugly. Moon is reminding me what it feels like to let someone love you, all of you, not just the parts that they ‘want’ or ‘need’ but all of me. Moon means so much to me because Moon just may be, my SOUL MATE. Moon makes my SOUL happy. When we are together I feel him in my SOUL. I know it may sound crazy to some, but to me and the lucky few who have found their soul mate, it makes perfect sense.
In October big, scary, things started happening for US. I was still very much guarded during this time. Moon was slowly starting to break through the walls that I have built around me and my heart; I was actually starting to maybe believe. Then it happened and Moon and I went weeks upon weeks without communicating. There was no goodbye; no I will be unavailable for a few weeks, nothing, just no phone call or email or text message or Facebook message, no NOTHING.
What was I supposed to think? I had no idea he wasn’t going to be able to get in touch with me. And for me and my, oh so fucking fabulous past, I was convinced he was gone. That the going got tough and he got going.
I was broken. I was 1000% sure that he was like all the rest and he was gone. I didn’t think he was coming back. I hoped, I prayed, I wished, I cried, I screamed, I begged, for him to come back but deep down I didn’t believe he would.
I didn’t want to keep sending him all these sappy, sad, depressing, class 5 clinger, emails so I started to just keep them as drafts in my email instead. They slowly began to build up and seeing them every time I had to check an email was depressing. So, I started this. And with that, I am pretty sure we are up to date (:
That is the birth of this blog and a little back-story on US.