A Frenzy-ied, Forget Now kind of night…

 

 

Here's the nail color... It's called Forget Now. Fitting isn't it?

Hey Moon I miss you. I finished my nails and thought I would post the color because I am bored and writing to you helps deal with the hurt of missing you AND I know that you would care and actually want to know what color they were and that’s why I love you. I can’t wait until tomorrow.

I love you. I miss you. I can’t get you out of my head… and I love it (:

Oooops I am almost forgot to post my Fuck You Cancer color… of course its PURPLE (:

It's called Frenzy... sexy isn't it (:

 

 

Baby you make me wanna say….

 

I miss you. Music makes the time past a little bit faster… a tiny bit maybe. That and I am gonna paint my fingernails (:

I love you. I miss you. I want NEED you here….

PS. It snowed for a few minutes. they were big, wet, sloppy, flakes and it warmed my soul for a few minutes.

 

 

It’s a GRUMPY kinda day….

 

We aren’t able to spend the day the way we imagined. It sucks. Today sucks. Whenever you aren’t here it sucks.

S U C K S

I have tried to sneak in a few texts and even got the chance to just soak some of US up with a phone call for a few minutes. It was amazing. It is like this invisible blanket of calmness and love settles over me whenever I can hear you. Just the sound of you breathing relaxes me. I miss you so much. I am so tired. I want nothing more than to cuddle up under the covers and snuggle in for a nap with you.

I love you. I miss you. I can’t stop thinking of you…

 

You are my… ONE.

Hey Moon, I’m starting to question everything again. I am falling deeper into you and the farther I sink the tighter my throat feels. I feel like I’m suffocating sometimes, like I can’t take a deep breath, my pulse races, the voices get louder, and I am never rested because I can’t fucking sleep for anything,I take that last one back because there is ONE thing that makes me sleep…. Which brings us right back to the beginning where the panic sets in and the freaking cycle continues.

You say you love me. You show me you love me. You continue to amaze me, truly amaze me, with your words and actions but I still want to run and be alone.

I don’t know how to let someone love me the way you do.

Five years gives you the time to build a pretty big wall and I did nothing but work on that wall for years. There were a few times I let someone try to get over, under, through a crack, but I was always disappointed and never really felt anything when they were gone or done with me at least it seems like nothing to me now since I have experienced the pain of losing you. How ridiculous that I cant even remember another heart break before you.

R I D I C U L O U S-N E S S I tell ya.

Of course that would be why I am so scared to let myself fall deeper. I feel like if I stay or try to pull back from where I am now then maybe, just maybe, I could survive it. Because I am still convinced that you are not mine to keep. That I am just getting you for a bit too see how good it could be but you will be taken from me in the end, like some sick joke. I just don’t understand how you could and would WANT to love me forever. That just doesn’t happen to me or at least it hasn’t. Maybe it does happen. Maybe there is such a thing outside of Hollywood but I don’t believe it. And that my dear, is really sad. Because if anyone could ever convince me it would be you and I am trying my hardest to push you away, even sadder… or is it more sad? Did we have this conversation already because I kinda feel like we have (: Spell check says sadder ((:

Waking up to you Sunday and then spending the whole morning/afternoon with you was A M A Z I N G. I can’t think of any better way to wake up and spend a Sunday. And yet I still try to push…

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I am just going to keep beating myself up on here so I guess I will end this now before I get too crazy (: and we BOTH know that is a possibility, especially for the next few days (:

I am sorry for all of this. For all of the pushing. Please don’t ever think that I don’t know or appreciate the love you show me because I do. I am feeling blessed to be loved by you; I just have a hard time believing I deserve it and that it is here to stay. I’m so sorry I am so broken. I tried to tell you….

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I hope you keep me forever………

 

You say you like CrAzY. Let’s hope it’s true.

I’m amazed daily by your love, by you. I am still new to this love you show me. I am still struggling with how to process it. Trying to push you away whenever you show too much love because I start to panic, the air rushes from my chest and NOT in the good way, my pulse races and I immediately want to shut you out and stop the tingle. Fucked up I know. But that is me, crazy, broken, and oh so fucked up (: I love you too (: because I know you don’t care and love me anyways.

That is what is so ridiculous to me. That you love me, the ME that I don’t usually let people in on because you see past the broken and believe in me. You are starting to make me believe too. Thank you for that. I hope I can hold on to it. I hope I don’t push too hard and you get sick of trying and loving. Because I cant imagine existing on this big rock without you.

I miss you so much tonight. I miss you every night we are apart. Every minute really. Cheesy, I know but TRUE (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait until morning.

 

US. In his words…..

Sooooooooooooooooooooo… I MAY have sent a message to Moon that said something along the lines of….

‘If I asked you the story of US, what would you say?’

The following is his response. I had NO IDEA he would respond the way he did. So, of course, I had to post it (: Especially since I just finished my version.  I am thinking you just might see why I love him so much.

I hope he doesn’t mind … too much (:


 

US. In his words…..

The story of us would probably be a man, me, who is madly in love with this fantastic woman, you.

At first I had no clue that you were the one I wanted to be with until we started talk outside of the people we hung out with. But after awhile I started to see and realize that a lot of the things that you were going through I was going through, like the people that helped us through most of or lives we have lost and how there are so many other ways we are alike, like watching movies together, we both are amazing cooks, love snuggling up with each other, and how amazing you made me feel but was scared too say or do anything at first. Because every time I seen you I had butterflies in my stomach because all I wanted to do was talk to you. So I finally got the guts to talk to you and I thought that this woman is so great and makes me laugh and that I could hang out with you more often so we did. That was one of the most wonderful things that have happened to me.

After awhile we started watching movies and hanging out with just us. What started off as just friends turned in too something so much more. I started to have strong feelings about you although you warned me that we shouldn’t go down this road.

 

I didn’t care.

I knew that I was falling madly in love with you and never wanted to give up! We have been through so much that I could not just give up on you and US.

You are my sun, my stars, and of course my moon.

I know you probably think I am crazy!!!! But not having you in my life makes me feel so empty. Having you in my life is like climbing the highest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs “I did it!!”. I never ever want to turn back or start over with someone now because of you and how you make me feel!!!!! =)

I love you so much, I would want nothing more than to be the man of your life and love you like a wonderful and fantastic woman should be loved in a relationship.

I love you so much. Moon

I am forgoing the post to you tonight Moon because falling asleep with you sounds sooooo much better.

AND for the record I remember things too… see purple for me (: green for you (: 

I love you. I need you. I want you. Always….


The Story of Us. Well, my version anyway (:

I have been asked a few times the ‘back-story’ on US. I had never thought to write one because this blog started out as emails that I was writing to him, who from this point on will be referred to, as Moon, but didn’t quite have the courage to hit the send button. My drafts folder of my email was getting bigger and I decided instead of keeping them in my email to just put them down in this blog so as to not have the CONSTANT reminder of Moon whenever I was on my email, which happens to be ALOT, sadly. Since I mostly write to Moon here I guess I have overlooked that someone might actually want to know where US came from. So I will try to do my best with The Story of US.

Let me start with, I have not yet decided just HOW much I am willing to put out here about my life, Moon’s life, and US. I know that as of now I am completely anonymous BUT you never know.

I have up until now ALWAYS considered myself to be a STRONG woman. I am quickly learning with the pain, and now fear, of losing Moon has brought with it the reality that I am no such thing. 

Here goes nothing…

I am a single mom of 2 boys with an unusual living situation, more on that perhaps another time. He is ‘in the process’ of learning to be a single dad with a son. We met YEARS ago through a mutual friend when we were BOTH single, but they were, ‘Hi, nice to meet you/see you again, Bye.’ types of encounters. We then lost touch for a while.

About a year ago we re-connected through the same friend. We were at the time both at home full time with our kids. We ended up spending LOTS of time together. Let me add that we were ALWAYS in the company of someone else, be it our kids or another mutual friend. We NEVER spent one on one time without at LEAST one of our 3 children present, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish even if we had tried.

We had much of the same interests and time so we ended up spending our ‘free’ time doing things together. When we first started spending time together we did things like, watch movies, watch TV, play video games, ALL while having at least one other adult person with us. Seriously, we did nothing to be on the floor broken over if he would have been taken from my life. We did however TALK while doing all things mentioned above. I am pretty sure we even talked just about the WHOLE movie through on any movie we have ever watched just Moon and I.

I can honestly say that I had NO idea that Moon had any sort of ‘feelings’ for me at all. At one point almost a year ago, a mutual friend made a comment to me that Moon liked me. I laughed it off and told him he was being silly and he was only making himself sound like a jealous friend. That there was no way that Moon had any sort of feelings for me. We were FRIENDS and that was all there was to it! I mean, I think that I would KNOW if someone ‘liked’ me. Moon had never said ONE thing to me make me feel like he had any INTEREST in me as any MORE than a friend, EVER. Oh, how naive can one really be??

It turns out Moon did like me, and I liked him in return.

I knew that with the situation Moon was in that I was NEVER going to be the one to express feelings. My plan of action was to remain the FRIEND that I had been when Moon needed someone to vent to about… the kids NOT listening for the hundredth time that day, the dinner that was RUINED by grandparents who think that you like making dishes that will go wasted due to their poor choices, the tenth load of laundry in the last 2 days, the overwhelming feeling of becoming ‘lost’ on the path to being the best parent you can, & mostly just the pleasure of conversations with an ADULT.

Things did not work the way I had planned. We spent MONTHS just hanging out when we could, and being there for the other whenever it was possible. During this time we found that we have similar likes and dislikes. We found that we have both experienced a loss that has changed us forever. We laughed, cried, giggled, yelled, encouraged, and eventually fell in love, together.

I fought it. I fought it so hard.

I was the nagging voice of reason for months, ‘There is no way we can do this, you can’t love me, you can’t let me love you. We have to stop this.’

Seriously, I was like a broken fucking record but it didn’t matter how much I tried there was no stopping US. We couldn’t do it. We couldn’t fight it, we still can’t (:

As much as I bitched and moaned I wanted it so bad, I was just too scared to believe that he was different, that I deserved to be loved, and that I could love back.

I was am scared to believe in US, to believe in forever, to just BELIEVE but, Moon is slowly making me believe again. Moon is showing me that there is, can be a forever that not everyone leaves, or gives up when things get ugly. Moon is reminding me what it feels like to let someone love you, all of you, not just the parts that they ‘want’ or ‘need’ but all of me. Moon means so much to me because Moon just may be, my SOUL MATE. Moon makes my SOUL happy. When we are together I feel him in my SOUL. I know it may sound crazy to some, but to me and the lucky few who have found their soul mate, it makes perfect sense.

In October big, scary, things started happening for US. I was still very much guarded during this time. Moon was slowly starting to break through the walls that I have built around me and my heart; I was actually starting to maybe believe. Then it happened and Moon and I went weeks upon weeks without communicating. There was no goodbye; no I will be unavailable for a few weeks, nothing, just no phone call or email or text message or Facebook message, no NOTHING.

For weeks.

What was I supposed to think? I had no idea he wasn’t going to be able to get in touch with me. And for me and my, oh so fucking fabulous past, I was convinced he was gone. That the going got tough and he got going.

I was broken. I was 1000% sure that he was like all the rest and he was gone. I didn’t think he was coming back. I hoped, I prayed, I wished, I cried, I screamed, I begged, for him to come back but deep down I didn’t believe he would.

I didn’t want to keep sending him all these sappy, sad, depressing, class 5 clinger, emails so I started to just keep them as drafts in my email instead. They slowly began to build up and seeing them every time I had to check an email was depressing. So, I started this. And with that, I am pretty sure we are up to date (:

That is the birth of this blog and a little back-story on US.

And remember….

 

You are CRAZY ridiculous… and I love you.

I don’t have much time but I want to get this down before I forget it.

You are my SOUL and I am so lucky to have finally found you.

I don’t want to get to intimate on here and I don’t really even know how to explain it but it started with some love and ended with complete…

A M A Z I N G-NESS

I couldn’t hide the tears from slowly falling afterwards as we lay in complete bliss, which is a bit annoying seeing as how I can’t seem to hide ANYTHING from you EVER (: , and you wanted to know why I was sad. I was anything but sad but I couldn’t even find the words or the voice. On the inside however I was happy, calm, peaceful, full of love, bursting with life, yet at this serene, peaceful place all at the same time. I was the freest and MOST vulnerable I have EVER been in my whole life, with anybody, and I loved it.

I was sad ONLY when I could start to feel the walls settling back in and the free-ness disappear. There were moments that your words and love sent ripples through and I tried to hold on to the openness of being freed from the boundaries of the walls. I don’t even remember what that feels like to let yourself be so vulnerable to someone and their love but you reminded me and I miss it, I don’t even know if I have ‘felt’ this way before with anyone else but I do know I don’t ever want to feel this with anyone but you, with US.

I love you. thank you so much for bring me back to life. Thank you so much for not giving up on me, on US. I know this wont change anything quickly but I do know that I will fight as hard as I can with you by my side to crumble these walls. I hope you’re ready for the challenge. I know that I am. I love you.

From here to eternity baby….

 

A much needed reset.

Oh my where to begin? Today This afternoon was A M A Z I N G. It was exactly what I, we, US needed. It has been so long since we have had any real time together that I almost forgot how at peace I am with you. I wish I wouldn’t have had that thing to do tonight because I could have easily fallen asleep and probably stayed asleep for the night with you. I haven’t slept, really slept, in so long now. I spend much of the night tossing, turning, crying, and trying to silence the craziness in my head. I never truly have a peaceful sleep anymore. That will hopefully all change tonight (:

I want to write so much more. I want to tell you how absolutely beautiful you made today for me. I want to tell you how much I missed the tingle that you give me. I forgot how you make me FEEL everything. Today, laying with you I felt almost like I was plugged into an outlet and the electricity was flowing through me but it wasn’t electricity or an outlet that I was plugged into it was US finding each other again. The tingle was our souls finally being able to settle. I sometimes think that there is an invisible string tied from her to your words and I find your words often tugging gently on her while you steal the breath from me over and over again. Never has someone taken my breath so often or for so long. Usually the breath taking moments are few and far between but I find myself experiencing them several times a day an hour with you.

I missed you so much. I was so good at faking it and fooling everyone I made myself believe that I was better without you. I was wrong. So wrong. There is no me anymore, only US. I have never been good with faking it with you. right now, I’m thinking that is a good thing (:

Thank you for letting me be me, even if it is crazier than you deserve. I love you. I miss you. I’m coming to snuggle right now ………….

Darling, darling, stand by me. Stand by me…

I’m lost. I am trying to keep you away. Trying not to let you in. It’s not really working. There is a constant battle raging inside. The US in me knows how much I need you. The broken in me doesn’t want to feel anymore hurt. I can’t allow myself to talk to you for fear that just the sound of your voice will weaken the walls I have been trying to build. Fuck.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you don’t let me push you away……….

I’m sorry. Goodnight my Moon.