No matter where my reckless SOUL takes me…

This just came on; it took my breath away as soon as I heard it. An image of you flashed in my mind. I miss you. I need you today. I need you everyday but I really need you today. Life is not my friend lately. I had a moment of sheer panic today. I jumped in the car and started driving. Tears running down my face, rain pouring on the windshield I just drove. I ended up by the beach. I drove and stared out the window through the blur of tears. It wasn’t safe. I wasn’t safe tonight and I didn’t care. I drove as close to the yellow line as possible tonight. I didn’t care if I got hit. I just wanted to be done. I wasn’t going to do anything stupid like jerk my wheel to the left and just see where it took me, the thought barely crossed my mind, barely, I just wasn’t going to go out of my way to NOT make anything happen tonight.

I kept repeating they need you; they need you, in my head over and over. I may feel at times that I am not enough but they are they ALWAYS will be. And of course so are you. But tonight I couldn’t take it any longer. There is so much going on right now.

You know, you still love me. You won’t let me push you away. You are my rock right now. You save me. I want to write more but I have been putting off packing for too long now. I must go pack for the trip. I hope I make myself go I think I need this.

I love you. I miss you.

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When you’re too in love to let it go, but if you never try you’ll never know…

I’m dragging my feet to get ready for tomorrow. I haven’t even packed yet which is unusual for me. I am nervous about leaving right now with everything that is going on. Thank you for not letting me push you away. I have read and reread the texts you sent the last few days not letting me forget that you didn’t, haven’t, WON’T, give up on US and that you won’t let me either. You continue to amaze me with the love you show. I am trying to process it and let it flow over me like it should but it is hard. I am no longer used to the lovey dovey feelings of love. I am used to the anger, hurt, disappointment, meanness that I have felt for so many years now. I have almost forgotten what it is like to be loved in return. I missed it. I didn’t know how much I missed it until you reminded me. Thank you for that too Moon.

This is not going to be an easy road. I am pretty broke beyond being fixable. I don’t want you to feel like this is something you have to ‘fix’, I am okay being broken, I have learned to function okay, broken and alone.

I love you. I miss you. I needed you more than you will ever know, thank you. Will you try to… Fix me?