And when you’re down, you’re down….

I don’t remember how many days it has been since we talked. I got your Facebook message for V day. I guess I should say thanks but I don’t really want to. I have been trying to keep myself busy and distracted so that I don’t have the time to sit and be sad about US. It might actually be working a bit because I am fine until the world is quiet. When the world gets quiet all the sadness and loneliness creeps back in. I try to keep it at bay. I’m not very good at it though.

I have been avoiding writing to you for days now. I know that if I sit here and let my fingers flow the love of US will start to take over and I can’t have that happening it is so hard already that if I allow myself to feel the love I will be fucked. I have been keeping it all locked up, the good and the not so good all in there together, running amok and driving me insane. I want to let them out but it is so much easier for me to keep them on lock down. If I don’t let them remind me it is easier to fake it to myself. Can you believe that? I am so fucking bad now that I even have to try to get myself to believe the fake? I HATE fake. It is everything I am not. I am so in your face real it is annoying I’m sure but you know what that is what I like. I need in your face, brutal, honesty.

This reminds me of a post that The Sinkable Molly Brown did not so long ago. She posted something that took my breath away. Made me think that she had been shuffling around inside my brain and pulled the thoughts right out and put them to beautiful, painfully honest, words. I think I may post a copy here for you all to read. I have been trying for so long to put to words how broke I am and why but have never been able to find the words. She found them.

“Now, because of him, I feel punished when “ignored” and I feel ignored when I’m not being talked to. Note to self: no one is ignoring you, they’re just busy, calm the fuck down. But I CAN’T calm down, because when lack of communication is used to make your insides turn and wonder, when it’s used as a form of sick mind games and mental torture, I assume the worst. And it isn’t my fault, but I can’t help feeling like this is preventable. Mixed signals are my worst enemy. I need brutally honest, because my mind will go to the worst possible reason, I WILL assume the worst. I will assume you hate me, that you’re making fun of me and my wanting to talk to you.”

Thank you for this Ms. Molly. I hope you don’t mind that I posted it if you do I will gladly remove it. And like you said, ‘We got this!’ <333

Goodnight my Moon. I miss you. I love you. I am sorry I have to do this on my own.