Hott Mess table for 1, always for 1…..

What to say and where to begin? I just don’t know what or how I am feeling. I am being destructive I know that. I am being careless and emotionless with my actions and I am scared how things will turn out and what will come of them.

Tried a new little Chinese restaurant last night (not the reckless, careless, actions I was referring too). It had these paper placemat thingies stuck under the glass top of the table so that you could read them but not touch. There was the Chinese calendar thing that tells you what ‘year’ you were born and the other was how to tell your Chinese fortune. So we of course had to go around and see what everyone’s was. I cant remember what my ‘year’ is right now but I do know it is not cock, sadly (: or rabbit or dragon. Those were the ones I wanted I think I might be a sheep or some lame animal. My fortune however said, ‘romance will blossom from the seed you’ve sown.’ this bothers me. Us, we are so far from romance we are a full fledge LOVE AFFAIR so where is this romance coming from and how odd that it shows up just nights after K returns into my life.

Of course OURS pops on the playlist just now to kick my ass and remind me of how US can weather any storm and survive. I miss you. I am finding it interesting how there is no one who can even come close to bringing the tingle to life or the sparkle in my soul no matter how they try. It is almost comical actually but I am saddened by it as well. Because why would I be anything but a cluster fuck of emotions right? I am talking about me after all, you know, a fucking hott mess. I am sad because there are fewer and fewer things that I am finding are able to distract me. The list is almost non existent to be truthful. I try, I try so hard. I change music when it comes on; I avoid emails and cell phones. Fuck, no matter what I do I can’t avoid the silence of night. The quietness of the world when I want it to scream at me the most. I need to move closer to some place that the night life is no different from the day. I need to be somewhere right now that silence doesn’t exist. I need somewhere/something louder than the screeching thoughts in my head.

I don’t proof read my writings, obviously (: , so I sometimes worry that I will lose you because I am so everywhere sometimes but I just put on music, open up the top and let the fingers flow. I have gone back and read something only because of a comment or something and sometimes I am shocked that I wrote the words I am reading. Sometimes I scare myself because although I know that I am in dark, scary, places sometimes, I have become so good at faking it that I am able to trick myself that I am okay. Reading back sometimes I realize that dark and scary barely touch the tip of the iceberg. And the worst part is that the ugliest, meanest, horrible, awful thoughts, they are still locked inside. However scary or dark the journey has been or will be, because lets face it, it’s going to get fucking worse before it gets better, I will always survive. I will never let the dark take me. I am too strong for that. I may at times think that I am not strong enough but deep down I know that I can and will survive anything. I just prefer to survive on my own. I can never disappoint or shock myself with the ‘fucked-up-ness’ that is me. I know just how broken I am. I can’t say the same for you. You say you get it, that you understand, you love, you don’t care, you will hold on, you wont be pushed away, you believe in US, you love US, all you want but I don’t think you really will stick around. I think you will leave and get sick of me and my ‘insecurities’ and walk. Like everyone else.

Fucked up I know. I want to believe that you will be different. I KNOW that you are different. I am just having a hard time believing. And I am afraid by the time I ‘get it’, you will be done, then I think if that is going to be the case then why even let us get stronger, deeper, more entangled in my soul? And then, as if that isn’t enough fucked-up-ness for one thought, the love of US comes crashing in and says that it doesn’t matter how or where we end up because I am talking about US, and US will weather any storm and still be standing at the end to say fuck you, you will not break US. You CAN’T break US, so I should really just give in and let go. Let the love of US just wrap around me like a blanket and chill me the fuck out. And now, now you have seen just how my fucked up brain works. Talk about ring around the fucking rosie huh? That is seriously how conversations in my head go. It’s like a fucking teeter totter in there. Good cop, bad cop, angel, devil routine. Seriously? This, this is what you want to deal with? Some lunatic? I’m guessing the answer to that would be no. That if you really did ‘get it’ you would run, you would smack yourself for even thinking it would have been worth it, and you would run as fast and as far as you could. And that kills me. So here we are back at square one. And the cycle continues. Fuck……

Under all the craziness I love you. I love you so much it scares me. I can’t possibly be lucky enough to have found the missing piece to my soul. The answer to my existence. The one who will make me believe in forever. That just doesn’t happen to girls like me. I am, after all, in the words of the Baby Daddy, ‘Just not the marrying type.’

I’m sorry moon. I’m sorry that I am trying so hard to do this on my own. I miss you. I love you. I need you….

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3 Comments

  1. Glory

     /  February 17, 2012

    I’m having trouble following your posts. Like you say, you are all over the place. But I think that’s a good thing. Sometimes just letting your thoughts flow are what’s best for relieving the soul. Can I ask though, is “US” a person who’s passed away? Or someone you’re in a relationship with now? Hope that’s not too personal, I find your writing to be very intriguing and do wish you luck on your journey to recovery. All the best- glory

    Reply
    • US is what I use when I’m referring to him and I and our relationship. I’m sorry that my post are so crazy and all over the place. I hope that makes it a bit easier to follow. Please ask whatever you need to. if it’s too much I simply won’t answer (:

      Reply
  1. A Year of Changes « survivingmiddleage

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