You are my… ONE.

Hey Moon, I’m starting to question everything again. I am falling deeper into you and the farther I sink the tighter my throat feels. I feel like I’m suffocating sometimes, like I can’t take a deep breath, my pulse races, the voices get louder, and I am never rested because I can’t fucking sleep for anything,I take that last one back because there is ONE thing that makes me sleep…. Which brings us right back to the beginning where the panic sets in and the freaking cycle continues.

You say you love me. You show me you love me. You continue to amaze me, truly amaze me, with your words and actions but I still want to run and be alone.

I don’t know how to let someone love me the way you do.

Five years gives you the time to build a pretty big wall and I did nothing but work on that wall for years. There were a few times I let someone try to get over, under, through a crack, but I was always disappointed and never really felt anything when they were gone or done with me at least it seems like nothing to me now since I have experienced the pain of losing you. How ridiculous that I cant even remember another heart break before you.

R I D I C U L O U S-N E S S I tell ya.

Of course that would be why I am so scared to let myself fall deeper. I feel like if I stay or try to pull back from where I am now then maybe, just maybe, I could survive it. Because I am still convinced that you are not mine to keep. That I am just getting you for a bit too see how good it could be but you will be taken from me in the end, like some sick joke. I just don’t understand how you could and would WANT to love me forever. That just doesn’t happen to me or at least it hasn’t. Maybe it does happen. Maybe there is such a thing outside of Hollywood but I don’t believe it. And that my dear, is really sad. Because if anyone could ever convince me it would be you and I am trying my hardest to push you away, even sadder… or is it more sad? Did we have this conversation already because I kinda feel like we have (: Spell check says sadder ((:

Waking up to you Sunday and then spending the whole morning/afternoon with you was A M A Z I N G. I can’t think of any better way to wake up and spend a Sunday. And yet I still try to push…

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I am just going to keep beating myself up on here so I guess I will end this now before I get too crazy (: and we BOTH know that is a possibility, especially for the next few days (:

I am sorry for all of this. For all of the pushing. Please don’t ever think that I don’t know or appreciate the love you show me because I do. I am feeling blessed to be loved by you; I just have a hard time believing I deserve it and that it is here to stay. I’m so sorry I am so broken. I tried to tell you….

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I hope you keep me forever………

 

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2 Comments

  1. sexuallifeofawife

     /  February 28, 2012

    Trust, breathe and believe…
    Most things that are broken can be mended with some real TLC. If it can’t be mended…It can still be loved…

    Reply

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