I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.
I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?
Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!
I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.
No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.
Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.
I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER showing me how it is done (:
Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.