Dying sounds better than living right now…

I miss you. I am trying to battle this demon on my own. For the first time in a long time I am scared. Why do I flinch if startled? Why am I  constantly startled because I am so distracted with my thoughts? Why am I here?….

I was going to try to write to you tonight, to keep myself busy and distracted, but I can tell already that I am in too dark of a place to do that.

So, instead I will say I hope you are right and that this, US, is worth it but I have to say that I am not convinced.

Run

Run as fast as you can Moon. Don’t look back…

I’m sorry. I am so sorry…

 

 

Title-less…..

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.

I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?

Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!

I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.

No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.

Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.

I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER  showing me how it is done (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.

The darkness has set in again…

I love you. I am sorry for how distant I have become. I don’t love you or need you any less. I may need you more now than ever.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

This is what I am afraid of…

 

………………………………………………..

A post deleted, a failed phone battery, and a heart that is heavy.

I had a whole post written. I deleted it. It was full of nothing but darkness. It sank me deeper into the dark just writing it. So hopefully now that it has been written and deleted it can stay deleted.

I miss you. I will miss you. I am hoping that this International Girls Weekend is just what I need. I guess I should start packing and stop dragging my feet.

I wish I could have told you I love you before I left. Fuck you cellphone battery!! I guess that’s why I have this here bloggy (:

I love you. I miss you already.

Until we meet again my Moon…

I should battle this demon on my own… I think.

Until now that is…..

I am sorry. I think I need to do this on my own. I love you. I need to do this…

Pain, pain, go away. Sleep, sleep, come and stay. I miss you.

 

I hurt. It’s physical pain now, I like this pain. I can focus on it. I can distract myself with it. I can medicate myself for it and the pain actually lessens. I can’t wait for it to go away though.

I am so exhausted from not sleeping and hurting so much. I am going to force myself to shut off the computer and snuggle under the covers and focus on healing. And sleeping. I so want to sleep. I am so in need of sleep. I hope we can sleep.

I need US sleep. . .

I am ready for you to be here now. Are you here yet? Are you done yet? Okay, I am getting off and ready for bed now.

I love you. I will be here, waiting. Always…

 

I had a bowl of HONEY BUNches of oats… it made me think of you. And Tear-filled Tuesdays totally blow!

I miss you tonight my Milk.

Love, Cereal

Nothing is okay when you are away…

I’m so sorry about today. I know that we had big plans, ha, ha, but I pretty much screwed that up. I wish I had the words but I don’t. For some reason I have had a really hard time lately expressing myself, here or out loud, it sucks.

I miss you. I can feel IT sucking the life from me. I hope IT figures it’s shit out soon and keeps on keeping on, somewhere else (:

I miss you. I may have already said that. I love you. I’m sorry.

Until next time my Moon….  

I feel like raging when we are apart!!!!

 Me too baby, me too….