You just may be… My other half.

How can I want to ‘get rid’ of the best thing that may ever happen to me? How can I not believe in forever? I mean really, if anything or anyone was going to convince me or prove me wrong it would be you, but I just can’t even grasp the concept of you and forever. The words don’t even seem like they should go together to me, they look wrong, like something has been misspelled. You love me. You fucking love me. You tell me all day long. You don’t just say you love me, you tell me I am wonderful, that I am amazing, that you care about me, you shower me with love, my body has NEVER responded to another being the way it does for you, I imagine your arms around me when I close my eyes at night, I snuggle into my new ‘Moon’ pillow and let the memories of you wash over me, you are the first person I think about when I open my eyes in the morning and the last one before I close them, and yet I don’t believe that you will be mine always.

So what do I do?

I push. I freak, I panic. I try to distance myself. You somehow always know when the dark starts to creep in, ALWAYS, it amazes me, you whisper to relax, that you are right here, you are never leaving, and you are never going away.

But still I push.

I fight.

And you still hold on, love, comfort, and reassure me.

When you told me last night that you wanted to be forever, that you could see US forever, my heart skipped, my breath was sucked from me, the butterflies went wild, and my whole body felt electrified and then the panic set in. Almost simultaneously my hands started to sweat, my heart started racing, my breath, I don’t even know where that went, and you could tell. You backed off, you told me not to worry about that now. To breathe, to just relax, to feel US right here, right now. Not to worry or think about later, to just live in the moment and be US. And of course I fell deeper in love with you than ever. This of course started the whole panic cycle again. Only this time hid it better from you, I think.

I want forever. I want it with you so bad. I can actually see it now, kinda. I can see waking up with you. Laughing with you, loving with you. I can see being a family with you. But there are still those little demon whispers that tell me that you are too good to be true. I mean if that wasn’t such a thing then there wouldn’t be the fucking phrase TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Right? Or am I wrong? Have I really found my one? Are you the missing part of my soul that I have been searching for? Well, not really searching for, more like ‘thinking didn’t exist’. Because that is what it feels like. I feel at peace with you, like the world could literally being crumbling around me but if I was in your arms it wouldn’t matter because we were together. We are one. We are US.

I love you. I am so sorry for pushing. I am so sorry I make you work so hard to love me. I love you so much. Like we said last night, I feel so much more than just love for you but I guess LOVE, is a good enough word for now.

You are my everything. My always. I will believe. I’m trying…

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3 Comments

  1. Reblogged this on SpeakGossip.

    Reply
  2. sexuallifeofawife

     /  March 10, 2012

    Sometimes its best – maybe especially for you – to not think about forever – but instead to be in the moment and now…
    I have always tried not to hope for forever… Then every extra moment you have together is
    a gift…

    Reply

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