Either it’s a panic attack or I’m dying.

I want to shut down. I can feel the panic starting to set in so I am going to write. I don’t know where this is going to go or what it is going to be about. I am just trying to distract myself long enough to take a deep breath because my chest and lungs literally feel like they are in a vice. Like I can’t take a full breath let alone a deep breath. Jack Sparrow is on in the back ground instead of the music I love so much. I guess I could just put on my headphones and iPod but that would require me to stop typing and I can’t do that just yet, I still can’t take a breath and I am almost a paragraph in now. What the heck is wrong with me right now? Why am I having a panic attack? I think that is what this is but I don’t every recall having one before and I can’t bother to Google it right now because again, that would mean I wasn’t writing. The pain is now an aching pull between my ribs. What is happening? I need to breathe. I need to focus on my fingers on the keyboard, slow, slow, breaths, okay, this is working. I am starting to type in less of frenzy. The words are starting to flow more than scream their way out. Let’s keep it up, just breathing, in and out, slow, breaths, okay. I got this I think. Just focusing on this and the words flowing is starting to calm it down a bit. I am starting to be able to breath a bit better. I miss you. I don’t remember what I was doing or thinking about when the dark started to set in but that was not cool. I am pretty sure that I was thinking about US. Mostly because that is what I am always thinking about these days, on here anyways. In real life, where I put on the dark sun glasses to hide these sad eyes, I don’t get to focus on US. I like that time actually. I like the distraction, I like being kept busy so that I don’t have to listen to the spewing yuck that is now a constant in my mind. It is when the world is quiet and sleeping that I hate. I hate when there are no distractions. When it is just me and old Jack Sparrow is when shit starts getting crazy (:

I need light. I need loud music, I need DANCE PARTIES in the car, I need mama kisses, and baby hugs, and I need you. If YOU were here when the world was quiet and sleeping… Well, lets just say the world of US would be anything but quiet and there would definitely be no sleeping, earth shattering pops to mind (:

And I know that with you I would fear the silence no longer.  

Well, it worked. It took a bit longer than usual but I am breathing. I believe. Just thinking about all of the distractions I described above brings a bit of sparkle back. I can find a bit of happy in thinking that US can make more ‘bring a smile to your face’ moments in the future. As long as I keep believing. As long as I can hold on to the happy, remember the tingle, and FEEL the love of US well, we should be okay. Sounds so simple. I fucking suck with simple.

I must get to sleep or at least attempt to lay here and toss and turn a bit earlier than usual tonight. I have a house full of munchkins that don’t care one little bit about US, they care about pannycakes and scramblies (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I am so sorry for all the CrAzY… I hope it’s worth it…

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