I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.

This might be my favorite Keep Calm ever. Don’t tell anyone, wink, wink.

Is it bad that this brought one of the first genuine smiles in awhile? I think so too…

Posting this makes me feel so naughty (: 

Goodnight, again, my Moon. I still love you. I still miss you. Just a whole lot more now.

See ya Monday… next Monday and try not to be such a bitch next time, thanks.

We still haven’t had that reset we I need. I want to say tomorrow is another day and good things come to those who wait and all the other bullshit ass ‘talk me back from the edge’ sayings but I just don’t believe that shit so for now I am just going to say I hope it happens. I hope we get to spend some quality time together. It would be nice if the ‘Schedule’ gods could give us a fucking break.

I had to fake it today. I had to pretend like everything is hunky-dory and ignore the fact that I am shattered into a million pieces. I think I did a pretty good job. I mean, fuck, for a minute or two I almost faked happy so good I thought I might really be happy. When I walked outside and felt the warm sun hit my skin and the cool breeze blow my hair I expected to keep that ‘happy’ with me but sadly it was nowhere to be found, must have left it behind in the office. Fuck I hate when that happens…

I want to write more I just don’t have the energy and I am exhausted. I miss you. I need you. I still think I need to find ‘ME’ on my own but I have a feeling you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon and I kinda like that. A lot (:

Thank you for giving me the space while still wrapping me in your love. I still don’t know if I believe you’re real. There is just no way that someone could love me as unconditionally as you. I don’t think. I don’t know. You confuse me. You distract me. You love me. Yup, yup, yup, you love me. And I love you too (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you and wonder what tomorrow will bring.