Getting what I ask for… And hating it.

I miss you.

I’m sorry…

 

Can’t sleep. Can’t breathe. Can’t want to fake this shit anymore.

I miss you.  I’m sorry…

One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

Remember when it was only the weekends that sucked? I miss those days… and you.

Too bad it’s Monday and I have to drive. I won’t be by myself though, so I will at least try to avoid the line tonight. While someone else is in the car….

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you.

I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I suck.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I have to sleep. I have to force myself to try. I need to be up in 5 hours. Probably about the time I fall asleep.

Fuck.

I am hoping to get some time to try to write tomorrow. I need to. I am going to go fucking iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe soon if I don’t ‘sort’ some of the shit going on up there out.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Or not.

I forgot you probably hate me right about now. Sorry again. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better but I really am.

I usually try to text, call, or message you every 20 minutes but quickly stop myself. It is too hard to hear you, your voice, your love, your patience, your understanding, all of YOU is too hard to fight anymore. Hearing the disappointment in your voice is heart wrenching. I hate that you are hurting. I am sorry I get so lost in my hurt that I forget that you too could be hurting. I’m sorry you hurt.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I love you. I really do. I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wish I could write more tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.  

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

Sometimes nothing is all I got… I miss you.