Sitting, Waiting, Wishing… Three things you should stop doing. And all the skeletons in my head and the reasons why you should hate me, finally revealed.

I can’t believe you want to fight harder for US than you did for your wife, kids, and family.

I don’t believe in forever love. I haven’t for a long time now.

I told you from the beginning that I was damaged goods and to stay away.

I never imagined the last year to be possible.

I loved you. I love you.

But I loved him first. I always loved him. I always wanted him to love me back. After a decade, two babies, a death that took a part of my soul, and fighting the BLACK-ness with him, and winning, I feel like I owe it to him and our babies to try.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. I expect nothing less than for you to hate me. But I can’t hate myself any longer. This is what I wanted for you. I wanted you to fight for your family. I wanted you to snap out of the mist of US and realize that you should run. I never in a million years would have guessed that the one who would, ‘go back to the X’ would have been me. I really was done. I had no idea I would ever go back after how volatile his and my relationship had become but the last few months He has come back. A little bit.

I’m so sorry.

I’m definitely settling. Do him and I have the take your breath away moments that US have shared? No, but he is back. Our family is back. And they are happier than I have seen them in a LONG time. And seeing their smiles and hearing their sweet, innocent, belly laughs is what I live for.

For that I will never be sorry.

 

I have wanted to let some of this out for a long time now. I have been so cautious about what I write on here that I basically just shut down and stopped writing but for my sanity I need to let it out. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I started this blog to write to Moon when I couldn’t say what I needed to him; I need to forget anyone else’s opinion and start doing just that again. I need to just let myself be free with what I write. If that means that I offend someone then who fucking cares. I’m not writing for ‘likes’ or ‘followers’. I’m writing to keep myself from checking in to the Loony Bin and if I keep trying to censor what I am feeling then I am not being true to myself. And I will probably end up in said Loony Bin. And I don’t think that padded walls and I will get along well.

So, with that being said, ranted, or what the fuck ever’d…

This blog is about to get REAL again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdyigY9orew

Hello 4am… I really hate you. Please let me sleep now. Please.

I’m sorry.

I’m sad too.

#TrueStatement… If only He knew.

HE walked by the other night while I was online and somehow noticed moon lover in the corner of the screen, the teeny tiny top right hand corner of the laptop screen. How he ever noticed I will never know but he did and he goes,

‘Oh, moon lover… Is that you?’

To which I of course replied, ‘Huh-uh.’  

And He says… ‘Oh, too bad ‘cuz I think that would be a good name for you.’ and continues past to go watch some game on TV.

Am I going to hell?  

Does it really fucking matter if I’m only trying to survive as it is?

 

DAMN YOU The Bachelorette! You make me miss the butterflies…

I miss US. I miss you. I miss the me that I am when I am with you. I miss the way it was when I didn’t have to force myself to smile, make my self laugh, blah, blah… the stupid dumb TV that I never watch anymore makes me wanna gag. As much as I like the chick I cant help but wanna puke at the lovey dovey shit some of these guys say.

Really? Am I seriously bitching about some fake reality show right now? I think I need to take a FF time out.

Did I mention that I miss you?

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry  

 

Only you can steal my breath and wake her from her slumber… You’re Ridiculous, as usual.

Three words.

Three words whispered from your mouth and I feel the breath stolen from my lungs, my ears ring, my heart flutters, and the old familiar feeling deep in the pit of my soul is brought to life. it only happens when I least expect it and don’t have my guard up, otherwise I am so busy ‘faking’ it and distracting myself that your little whispers don’t have time to penetrate the wall I have built back up.

Why?! Why do you have such an affect on me?

Goodnight Moon. I miss US.

I’m sorry

If only we could just make Banana Pancakes and pretend it’s the weekend… Sleep would be nice too.

It feels like it has been raining for weeks here. The sun has been out and shining but I still feel like there is a huge black storm cloud that follows me everywhere. The sun cant even warm me, no matter how long I try to soak up the rays I still feel empty and cold inside. I am pretty sure this is going to be a long, miserable, dreary summer and I am not looking forward to it.

I miss Us.

I’m sorry.

I can’t even title these things anymore… It has to get better than this.

I tried writing you again today. I deleted it. Like I have done with every post for I can’t remember how long. I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the way I was able to be carefree and fun with you. I miss laughing. The real laughs.

I miss so much about you, US, that I get lost in memory when I try to write and then what does come out is so warbled and messy that I get frustrated and delete it.

I am sorry that it looks like I am settling. I’m not. I have some big ideas burning within and I am trying to figure them out and see what to do with them.

Thank you. Thank you for letting me find me. Thank you for not smothering but not abandoning me either. I don’t deserve the love and patience you have shown me.

I’m sorry if the ending of this story is not with the picture perfect US that we had in mind. I’m sorry if by finding me we lose US.

I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I am so bad at expressing myself lately. I’m thinking of ways to fix that.

I miss US.

I still think of you every night before I sleep… If I sleep.

I miss you.

I’m sorry…