Sitting, Waiting, Wishing… Three things you should stop doing. And all the skeletons in my head and the reasons why you should hate me, finally revealed.

I can’t believe you want to fight harder for US than you did for your wife, kids, and family.

I don’t believe in forever love. I haven’t for a long time now.

I told you from the beginning that I was damaged goods and to stay away.

I never imagined the last year to be possible.

I loved you. I love you.

But I loved him first. I always loved him. I always wanted him to love me back. After a decade, two babies, a death that took a part of my soul, and fighting the BLACK-ness with him, and winning, I feel like I owe it to him and our babies to try.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. I expect nothing less than for you to hate me. But I can’t hate myself any longer. This is what I wanted for you. I wanted you to fight for your family. I wanted you to snap out of the mist of US and realize that you should run. I never in a million years would have guessed that the one who would, ‘go back to the X’ would have been me. I really was done. I had no idea I would ever go back after how volatile his and my relationship had become but the last few months He has come back. A little bit.

I’m so sorry.

I’m definitely settling. Do him and I have the take your breath away moments that US have shared? No, but he is back. Our family is back. And they are happier than I have seen them in a LONG time. And seeing their smiles and hearing their sweet, innocent, belly laughs is what I live for.

For that I will never be sorry.


I have wanted to let some of this out for a long time now. I have been so cautious about what I write on here that I basically just shut down and stopped writing but for my sanity I need to let it out. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I started this blog to write to Moon when I couldn’t say what I needed to him; I need to forget anyone else’s opinion and start doing just that again. I need to just let myself be free with what I write. If that means that I offend someone then who fucking cares. I’m not writing for ‘likes’ or ‘followers’. I’m writing to keep myself from checking in to the Loony Bin and if I keep trying to censor what I am feeling then I am not being true to myself. And I will probably end up in said Loony Bin. And I don’t think that padded walls and I will get along well.

So, with that being said, ranted, or what the fuck ever’d…

This blog is about to get REAL again.

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