Hurting so bad you feel nothing… A nightly ritual around here.

I have tried to write to you for an hour now. I don’t have anything for you. I don’t think you deserve anything more from me. I have spent enough time chasing someone who wants nothing to do with me. I won’t do it again.

I’m no longer sorry…

 

 

 

 

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Same wish, different day…

I’m still here. Wishing. I don’t know why.

I have no sassy post title tonight. All I have tonight are screaming thoughts, doubts, questions, and a racing heart.

How did US become THIS?!

No, no, I promised time and I’m going to do that. HA! This bullshit makes my stomach turn.

This is what I wanted right? This is what I kept telling you to do. Forget about me. Don’t love me. Give up on me, I have given up on myself long ago. Meet new people. Find a new love. *gag, puke, vomit, hyperventilate, cry, scream, fight the darkness, etc.*

Aren’t these all the things I have been begging for weeks over now? Yea, I thought so too. Funny how when you get what you want it ends up fucking biting you in the ass.

It just frustrates me so much though. I trusted you. I trusted your stupid little won’t leave you, love you with my heart and soul, blah-bitty, blah bullshit when everything in me told me to fight it. To not trust these silly moments of amazing that couldn’t possibly be real. But no, I didn’t listen. I chose to believe in the bullshit and to ignore the warning.

And now look where I am. Right fucking where I started but more broken and hurt than ever before. Questioning everything. Wondering if any of it was real. Trying hard to fight the darkness that is edging closer while at the same time begging for it to take me. To just swallow me whole and let me be. And if it isn’t going to take me then someone please wake me the fuck up from this nightmare. Shake me like a fucking Etch A Sketch, until none of this exists anymore and all the memories and pain are erased.

You could have just left long ago. You didn’t have to hold on and wait at home. You didn’t have to break me. You didn’t have to try to prove my Love doesn’t exist theory was crap. You didn’t have to make me feel like a fucking quickie, not even worth your time, less important than homies and Walmart-Fucking Bitch.

You said never. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

I have been ‘writing’ to you all fucking day long in my head, while I drive down the street, as I sit and wait at the stop light, even when I’m in the middle of conversations and by conversations I mean the other person speaking while I absently nod my head and throw in a few mmhmms and uh huhs to add just the right amount of fake to hide the fact that I am having a conversation of my own, in my head, with you.

Crazy?

Yea, crazy. Story of me.

I want to be mad and say angry things and turn all this hurt into anger but I can’t. I can’t find my way out of the hurt to do anything. I feel dark and cold. Even now as I sit in the sun, I see the sun, I don’t feel it though. I don’t feel anything. I have been sitting here trying to feel something for hours now.

Nothing.

It’s not working. The only I am feeling is my head spinning from the rollercoaster of emotions that are gnawing at me, clawing at my head and heart.

The loudest is the little fucker that is screaming, ‘I told ya so, I told ya so.’

And yet as broken as I feel I find comfort in this. I know how to deal with this kind of pain. I am used to having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and dust them off to lock them away again.

It’s the pieces of my soul that I don’t know how to deal with. It’s the realization that even though I wanted to believe in US more than anything ever, US wasn’t real. The kind of love that US is doesn’t exist outside of fairytales and we are definitely not a fucking fairytale. I have to admit that you did an outstanding job of playing the role of the Eternal Lover. Bravo.

I was right all along. Nobody loves like you do. Even you don’t love like you do. You are just a really good pretender. And I am a fucking idiot.

I almost find it laughable at times. I almost uprooted my life for something that never even fucking existed.

And just as quickly the breath is sucked from my lungs and the ache I feel in my bones does nothing to help me regain my breath. I can feel the way I miss US already. I can feel it in my soul. It is an empty, nothingness.

I have imagined numerous ways for US to end but never did I think it would end with hurtful, hateful words, or be riddled with lies. Well, not from you at least. We all know that the Fucking Bitch that I am would be spewing all kinds of bullshit. Right? Fuck me if I am going to be such a Fucking Bitch right?

What am I Fucking Bitch for anyways?

  • Wanting to spend time with you?
  • Expecting you to follow through with our plans?
  • Thinking that everything was a go since I had not heard anything different from you?
  • Believing you when you said that Sunday was for US?
  • Being hurt when for the 100th time our plans have been pushed to the side?
  • Getting sick of hearing, “I’m going to make it up to you” or “I owe it to you”?

Do any of those make me a Fucking Bitch?

Which ones?

You are sorry.

This is why I didn’t want to get excited for Sunday. I never thought it would happen anyway. I guess I just kinda hoped I was wrong. I hate when I am right.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with you was your unconditional love. I have spent much of my life chasing, begging, and waiting for love. Never expecting to find it. Well not the unconditional, can’t live without you, feel it in the depths of my soul, kind of love.

Then I met you.

You tried to convince me that a love like US existed. You were so persistent. You never tired of loving me. Slowly you pecked away at the wall surrounding my heart and planted your tiny seeds of believe. You worked nonstop at nurturing and loving the tiny seeds, making sure they blossomed and bloomed.

For what?

Nothing. For fucking N O T H I N G.

 

 

 

And still I sit and wait…

You say that it was the first time. You say that you have never said anything like it before.

And yet it rolled off your tongue and flew from your mouth as easily as a Hello.

I don’t know what I am anymore but I know what I am NOT and that is sorry. I’m thankful that someone or thing out there made your phone call me at that exact moment. So that I could hear the way you truly feel. Now I know how I am talked about when I am not around.

I can’t say that I didn’t expect this. I can’t even say that I’m surprised. All I can say is that I am broken. I feel like what I have felt all a long was validated. That I never should have believed. I never should have let you in.

And I don’t care if I am being completely childish or if I AM a fucking bitch. This is how I feel. This is how YOU made me feel.

Never again.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, Tomorrow… Now I just have to believe in Tomorrow, fat chance.

I’m not holding my breath but I am crossing my fingers.

I’m sorry. I miss US.

Not that it matters anyway but…

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of US.

I’m not sorry tonight. And neither are you…

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… Nine, ten…

I wish I was little and scary movies were the maker of my nightmares. Now reality produces scarier scenes.

I’ll take Elm Street over this shit any day. Freddy would never have a chance… I don’t sleep anymore anyway.

I  miss US.

I’m sorry.