Forget the world now, we won’t let them see… Say you will.

I ‘write’ to you every night before I fall asleep, only it’s in my head. For some fucked up reason the words I want to say to you fall so easily into place when the world is dark and silent. I often wish I could get up to put them down but I am too scared to wake anyone so instead I lay silent and unmoving while the words I want to say to you flow effortlessly through my mind. Sometimes they aren’t the nicest thoughts but they still have no problem fitting together. I don’t have to fight to put two scrambling thoughts together to form a coherent sentence.

I really miss being able to write. I miss just letting my fingers hit the keyboard and let ‘em loose. I didn’t even have to think about what I wanted to say, my fingers and soul were somehow connected and did the ‘thinking’ and ‘writing’ for me.

Now when I try to write I end up staring at the cursor blinking for so long that I forget why I am staring at a blank page and end up giving up.

I’m happier than I have been in a long time and I’m miserable. Fucked up right? Well, it wouldn’t really be very ME if it wasn’t (:

Thank goodness I’m so busy at work all day that I don’t have time to dwell on how not happy I am. And of course when I am home I am surrounded and rarely alone so even if I am feeling it there is no way I can be showing it.

Again. It fucking sucks.

I want to tell you that I am happy, that I am confident in what I am doing, that I know that I have made the right choice but that would be a lie. I’m not happy, I’m not sure I know what the hell I am doing. All I know is that my kids are happier than I have seen them in a long time. They are excited and want to be home and so do I. I love being home with them. Even when they are driving me Nucking Futs (: I can’t think of a place I would rather be. Well, I could maybe think of one….

I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish this were easier…

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. For not having anything to write….you sure said quite a bit and I am glad you did. I hope things get better for you my friend.

    Reply
  2. sexuallifeofawife

     /  July 3, 2012

    Sounds like things are getting a little better in someways… Although your heart is still aching so much…

    Reply

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