An unfinished post from who knows when… Of course I am going to publish it, unfinished and all.

I’m pretty much back to the whole can’t write thing. I don’t know where to start. Part of me wants to write to you but another part of me wants to write to Him. I don’t know how much I want to talk about Him here and I don’t feel like here is the place to do that anyways. But at the same time I find it hard to talk to you about what is bugging me because so much of it has to do with Him. Confused yet? Me too…

I feel myself starting to shut down again. I feel myself losing the sense of ‘feeling’ and becoming numb.

I hate this. I hate that I am in a houseful of people and yet I feel alone.

I always feel alone when you are not around. I hate that too.

This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjG7_wt7dIc just came on. it took my breath away. For a few seconds I let myself get lost in the song. I let myself feel the pain of missing US. A few seconds is all I could take. The rush of pain from missing you stole what breath I had left and I had to slam the memories of US back.

I haven’t really let myself feel the pain of losing US. I don’t have the strength to pull myself back from the darkness and hurt I feel right now so I have to just keep focusing on breathing, work, and all things Mommy to keep me some what sane.

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