I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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