You said never. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

I have been ‘writing’ to you all fucking day long in my head, while I drive down the street, as I sit and wait at the stop light, even when I’m in the middle of conversations and by conversations I mean the other person speaking while I absently nod my head and throw in a few mmhmms and uh huhs to add just the right amount of fake to hide the fact that I am having a conversation of my own, in my head, with you.

Crazy?

Yea, crazy. Story of me.

I want to be mad and say angry things and turn all this hurt into anger but I can’t. I can’t find my way out of the hurt to do anything. I feel dark and cold. Even now as I sit in the sun, I see the sun, I don’t feel it though. I don’t feel anything. I have been sitting here trying to feel something for hours now.

Nothing.

It’s not working. The only I am feeling is my head spinning from the rollercoaster of emotions that are gnawing at me, clawing at my head and heart.

The loudest is the little fucker that is screaming, ‘I told ya so, I told ya so.’

And yet as broken as I feel I find comfort in this. I know how to deal with this kind of pain. I am used to having to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and dust them off to lock them away again.

It’s the pieces of my soul that I don’t know how to deal with. It’s the realization that even though I wanted to believe in US more than anything ever, US wasn’t real. The kind of love that US is doesn’t exist outside of fairytales and we are definitely not a fucking fairytale. I have to admit that you did an outstanding job of playing the role of the Eternal Lover. Bravo.

I was right all along. Nobody loves like you do. Even you don’t love like you do. You are just a really good pretender. And I am a fucking idiot.

I almost find it laughable at times. I almost uprooted my life for something that never even fucking existed.

And just as quickly the breath is sucked from my lungs and the ache I feel in my bones does nothing to help me regain my breath. I can feel the way I miss US already. I can feel it in my soul. It is an empty, nothingness.

I have imagined numerous ways for US to end but never did I think it would end with hurtful, hateful words, or be riddled with lies. Well, not from you at least. We all know that the Fucking Bitch that I am would be spewing all kinds of bullshit. Right? Fuck me if I am going to be such a Fucking Bitch right?

What am I Fucking Bitch for anyways?

  • Wanting to spend time with you?
  • Expecting you to follow through with our plans?
  • Thinking that everything was a go since I had not heard anything different from you?
  • Believing you when you said that Sunday was for US?
  • Being hurt when for the 100th time our plans have been pushed to the side?
  • Getting sick of hearing, “I’m going to make it up to you” or “I owe it to you”?

Do any of those make me a Fucking Bitch?

Which ones?

You are sorry.

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2 Comments

  1. Reblogged this on Preconscious and commented:
    Lies I was told, lies I believed, and lies he isn’t alone in the world for spewing. Bravo to each of you. You deserve a fucking reward for your inhumanity. A reward for being as heartless as the ones that came before you.

    Reply
  1. This is what happens when you are not around to save me… I give up. « Can I Keep You…

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