I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in… While I’m wide awake you have no trouble sleeping.

It’s so easy to get lost in US. Letting myself fall into the love and caring of US seems natural. I can almost remember what it was like to be able to smile and laugh freely without having to force it or fake it. I find it harder and harder to hide the sad when you are not around. It is also getting increasingly more difficult to fight US from just taking over.

I want to believe it so bad. I want to believe that I can fall in to US and that no matter what happens or how hard I fall you will be there to catch me. I’m trying to believe you will be there to pick me up, dust me off, kiss my owies, and love me ’til I’m fixed but it just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t highly fucking doubt it. And I highly fucking doubt it! I kinda feel like I got a taste of how much you’d stick around this weekend and I have to say I am not feeling very confident you would.
It’s horrible. I know it is. I don’t know how to not think it. I don’t know how to not doubt or question everything.

August has started out shit and I would like a refund and my sunny August days back because this is bullshit. I have spent the last few days of beautiful summer sun feeling nothing but a numbing cold. I felt a few tiny bits of warmth and something close to happy the last few days. Almost everyone of them have been directly related to you. You bring warmth to my soul. I feel the love of you in my bones. You take away the yucky, icky, feeling and all I feel is comfort and warmth. Even if it is only for a few moments I am so thankful for the love you show me.

I have been interrupted so many times I am sure this has been here, there, and everywhere but I know one thing that is constant. I miss you.

Goodnight Moon. Rawr.

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