A tiny glimpse into my HELL… I can see now why you choose to stay far, far away. I would too, if I could.

I hate that when we are apart I feel like I don’t exist to you. I’m sorry I feel that way. I try to chant repeatedly in my head that just because you are busy doesn’t mean that you love me any less.

I am trying to believe said chant.

Not so lucky I have been.

Maybe if I start talking Yoda I will feel better because I am really finding it difficult to ignore the black claws of ‘all things dark/scary/morbid ‘ that are slowly creeping out, stretching their long, gnarled, fear filled fingers trying to grasp onto anything they can; screaming their unwanted words. I don’t know how to ignore them when I believe every horrible thing they screech. I don’t know how to NOT feel like a needy, class-5 clinger, when that is what I am told I am. Not by you of course. You have only ever once, that I heard (:, said something that would be considered mean but I was being a bitch, maybe. 

But I am told on a daily basis: 

  • That I am a basket case.
  • That I am not loveable.
  • That I am a bitch.
  • That I am too needy.
  • That I have no one and will be alone forever.
  • That I am not good enough.

There are so many more things I could add to the fucking list but I don’t want this to be a pity party I just want to try to shine some light on what I deal with outside of what is happening with US. And I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg, I was just talking about some of the words I hear on a daily basis, there is so much more hurt being thrown at me but this is not the place for it. 

This is for US.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with the wreckage of my life. I am sorry that I freak out and need you so much. I am sorry that when you are not here the screams get louder and more convincing and the only thing that silences them is you. I feel like as soon as you are here everything around me just goes quiet, like a huge game of freeze tag is going on and you have somehow tagged everything at once. When something tries to wiggle free you are there immediately to silence my tears and calm my soul. I don’t know how to do that when you aren’t around. 

I don’t really want to know how either. I would much rather just get lost in US and let it be. But we both know that wont happen. There is some ugly, invisible force that is making it difficult to get free. I feel like I am trapped, like I am on this emotional chain that lets me get so far out to explore and as soon as I have reached unknown territory it snaps me back so hard I can feel the jolt in my bones.  

That was all written yesterday. Before last night. Before I felt the little part of me that was left start to slip. I feel like I have been broken in ways unmentionable and that I won’t be able to hold on much longer. And I don’t really fucking want to anyways.

I would like nothing more than to just be done with what I am feeling. I don’t even know how to process what is happening in my life right now. How did I get to this point. What did I do to deserve to be treated this way? I did nothing but try to help Him beat the BLACK and this is the thanks I am given?

When I didn’t even want to help Him out in the first place? When I wanted to walk away and never look but didn’t. When I was broken beyond repair from Him and his words and, when it was at the worst, his hands. When I push away the ONE soul in this universe who loved me like I have never been loved before and will never again. When I did all of those and many, many, fucking more; this is the thank you?

He shows up at 1:30am with another female, brings her into my room, to sit and chat on MY bed. While I am in it. Trying to sleep. And then he has the nerve to tell me to scoot over so that they could lay down?

Really?!

Did He seriously just ask me to move over? Right here? In my bed?

Yea, he did.

So, I said, ‘I can go sleep on the couch or one of the other beds.’ And I got up with tears streaming down my face and left the room. I locked myself into the bathroom until I could breathe again. He heard me come out of the bathroom  awhile later. She was asleep on the couch. He was headed to the other room. He told me I was ‘too fucking needy and that nothing happened so stop fucking acting like it did and go to sleep.’

I don’t remember much of what comes next. I do remember feeling you. I remember you whispering your love to me. I remember you calming me with your words and somehow I drifted off into a fitful sleep.

I woke up as early as the sun to a dead home phone and internet.

And I still haven’t heard from you. Not a text, email, voice mail, nothing. Again. After all the amazing you show you still just end up missing, like I have to post signs for you on the fucking little milk cartons from school. It makes all the amazing look like shit. And it sucks all the tingle that I recently found and shits it out too.

I need you. I’m sorry I’m clingy.

I understand if this is not your ‘cup a tea’.

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