I miss you. I am so sorry this is what US has become. I love you.

I’m back. Somehow I have made it through the last 5 days without you. I don’t know how. I’m pretty sure that being away from civilization helped, no cell service or electricity makes it easy to not be tempted to check for missed voicemail or emails from you. I like camping. I love camping. Having to do something every waking moment makes it a bit easier to not feel the hurt from missing you. I was a busy little bee this weekend and it was fabulous. We spent hours in the forests hiking and swimming in the river. The little ones went off the beaten path, with a bit of encouragement from Mama Bear of course, I mean, how did I know that we would end up having to pull ourselves up the forest slopes by freaking vines; good thing they are such good little monkeys (:

I love waking up with the sun beating in on my face and the warmth wrapping itself around me. I love hearing the rush of the river all day long. I love the way the river lulls me to sleep with its never ending waters. But I loved sitting in the light of the moonlight EVERY night the most. Unlike my last outdoors experience where the moon was MIA, this time I was bathed in moonlight from sundown almost it seemed. I sat under the last blue moon until 2015 and let the hurt of missing you seep from my bones. That was really the only time I let myself feel the hurt or even think of you. When thoughts of you crept into my mind throughout the day I immediately pushed them to the back and busied myself with the never ending task of camp living.

It worked. Until I got into cell service and the message indicator let me know that I had two new voicemails. I struggled with listening to the messages and just turning off the phone again. I listened. Of course. I cried huge tears at the sound of your voice and the words you spoke. My heart ached with longing for you. I wanted to run to you and have you wrap your love around me and melt away all the pain and hurt I feel from missing you. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I did try to call you. I did try to return the messages and just tell you that I missed you and loved you and that I decided while strolling through the darkness of the forest bathed in the beautiful moonlight that with my Moon is where I belong. That I wanted to forgive and move on and not let the love US die because of some silly fight. I wanted to believe that we were stronger than some argument and that US would overcome this and being stronger for it.

But you didn’t answer. Again. You didn’t message or text when I am pretty sure you knew it was I that was calling. So, immediately, the believe in me was deflated quicker than a popped balloon and I sent you a text message asking you to just be gone. Because that is what you are anyway. You are gone. You are never there when I call. You are only there at your convenience and I want deserve better than that. I don’t want someone who is always trying to make it up to me. I want someone who is there. Always. Not only when their nether parts are lonely. You, of course, responded to that text.

I almost immediately received back a 7 part txt. Shocking. You somehow, in the midst of working, had the time to send me a 7 part text message JUST FUCKING INFORMING ME (your words) that you never wanted to hurt me, and blah, blah, blah, and that fine if I want you to leave me alone (HA! I want you to leave me alone? YOU already ‘leave me alone’ for days at a time, only it’s on your terms, so apparently that is okay) then you will. And that I you’re supposed to go fuck off. But you have wrong. You have it so wrong. I never wanted you to leave. I never wanted you to go away. I wanted you to keep holding on. I wanted you to be real. I wanted the love of US to endure anything and come out stronger and more powerful than ever.

I’m sorry.

I have to go now.

Back to life. Back to reality. Fuck reality.

Can someone please take me back to the fucking woods and leave me?

I love you.

 

 

 

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