I don’t even remember what it is like to have you answer when I call. How did this happen to US?

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiRa_DwalQc&feature=related

 

 

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Dear Death, You can take me now. I’m ready… Unless Moon calls.

You said you would ‘try’ to make time for me tonight. I am so nervous that I can’t really think straight right now.

What you if you don’t make time for me?
What will happen when I have to go another day without hearing your voice, without being able to get lost in you?

Will I be able to survive this without you?

I don’t know.

I don’t think I will.

I don’t think I will be able to keep on existing without you much longer. The part of me that you found and brought  to life is slowly dying and withering to nothing. Life without US has no color. There is no life to this life without you. I simply wake up and somehow robot my way through the day the best way I can, half alive, wishing for death, praying for you, hoping US will find it’s way back to the light.

I don’t have much faith. The believe that you nurtured and loved for so many months is no longer there, it disappeared and all that is left is anxiety, emptiness, and depression.

I can only hope that tonight is the night I get to be in your arms, wrapped in your love, and that I don’t fuck anytime that we have as US up.

That is my biggest fear. I am so nervous to speak to you that I fear I may clam up and then the awkwardness will be so obvious. Why would you want to spend anytime with me when I am a fun-sucking super crier? 

I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your love.

I miss your laugh.

I miss the way you call me Beautiful and Hunny Bun and SnuggleBunny and all the other mushy gushy lovey dovey things that you call me.

I miss getting so lost in US that nothing else exists.

I miss waking up and falling asleep to you.

I miss feeling safe, loved, needed, and most of all wanted.

I miss the way you made me feel like no matter what I was saying, doing, or whatever that I mattered.

I miss feeling you, inside me, wrapped around me, filling me.

I miss everything.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

I wonder when I become NOTHING to you… Was it long ago? Or was I simply always nothing? I guess I will never know. The only thing I know is that now I don’t exist to you and I feel the hurt like never before.

I have never really had to hide my pain so much. This whole being at work and having to pretend like there is NOT a gaping hole in my soul is killing me. Or maybe it is the lack of you that is killing me. Or perhaps the lack of US. Probably a bit of both but it doesnt really matter, all that matters is that you arent here. You won’t be here. I don’t think I will ever get to ‘Keep You’ again and I don’t know how to process this.

I don’t know how to keep acting like I want to live this life without you anymore. I don’t know how to get out of bed each morning when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and come out on a day where US exists.

I want to go back to the days where it was just US. Where it didn’t matter what was going on in the world because I was with you, safe in US and no one could hurt me because you wouldn’t allow it.

But now, I am more hurt than ever before and YOU are the one who did it. I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t accept that all of the love that you gave was bullshit. My head is trying to tell me so but my heart and soul won’t hear of it. There is no way that it was fake because I felt it.
I felt the love of US like I have never felt love before.

I felt you in the depths of my soul. You ignited a part of me that had never been touched before and I don’t know how to put out the need to have you now.

I don’t know how to stop the hurt of missing you from bringing me to my knees. I don’t know how to stop the tears that spring to my eyes at random times throughout the day.
I don’t know how to breathe a full breath without you by my side.
Most of all I don’t know how to let go of the love I have for US.

And I don’t really think I want to… but holding on to it is killing me.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

 

 

 

Mission Push Moon Away: Complete – insert broken heart/soul/being here… I’m sorry, I want you back. I’m yours forever.

I have always heard be careful what you wish for. I should have been told be careful when you PUSH…

I know that I was trying to push you away. I know that I said to leave me alone, that I wanted to be ME but I was wrong. I found who I want to be. And it is US. I want to be US. I have never wanted anything so bad before.

And it’s too late.

I pushed too hard.

I let too much crazy out.

And now I have to try to pick myself up off the floor, literally sometimes, and try to rebuild my broken soul.

I can do. I WILL do it.

I just don’t fucking want too.

I want you to pick me up, dust me off, kiss me, hold me, love me, fuck me, and never leave me again…

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.