You called. We talked. Kinda. Maybe it was more of you trying to fill the awkward silence while I just tried my hardest to breathe and not let the wall of tears flow because once they did I knew there would be no stopping them.
It was so hard.
The sight of your number on the phone reached in and snatched all life from my core for a few seconds. Having to answer and try to find my voice was almost impossible but somehow I managed and mumbled a hello. As soon as I heard your voice, I miss your voice the most; it was everything in my being to hold it together. All of the hurt, miss, love, lust, want, desire, need, and everything else I have ever felt for US came rushing back and like a dam that had been pushed to its limits for too long and could finally take no more they all hit me and I was lost, drowning, in a sea of US.
I couldn’t find my breath for so long. I found it hard to take a lung full of air at once and had to keep giving myself ‘breaks’ of US so that I didn’t end up a crumbled, pile of tears, on the floor while you witnessed, it’s hard enough to deal with when I don’t have an audience, I want no one to see just how broken my soul is. You tried to make it as painless as possible and of course I was reminded of why I love you so much and the pain from the loss of US stabbed into my soul again.
I think I did an okay job.
I had a little bit of help from the interruption and phone call that I had to deal with for 20 minutes. By the time I was done you were fast asleep. I was a bit relieved, sadly, but being able to lie with you and hear your breaths while they soothed away the ache in my soul was just what I needed so I am definitely not complaining (:
Not often do you fall asleep before me so I enjoyed being able to snuggle in and breathe easy knowing that you were right there. I finally got my turn to whisper soft nothings to you as you sleep. I love the way you would respond to some of my words, be it an in take of breath or a soft moan; it was so easy to tell you all of things I have been holding in for so long now. And I got to finish reading the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, made for a pretty amazing end to a stressful hump day. Thank you Mister.
I got lost in US so easily it’s scary but also something so much more magical. I tried not to fight US. I just laid there and let the love of US wash over me and loved every second of it.
I missed US so much. It felt so right being with you. I realized right then, that no matter where I was in this universe that you would always own a part of my soul. You don’t have a choice, it is yours, and I am yours to keep. I can fight US no longer. I don’t want to fight US any longer.
You finally woke and told me you love me, I was half of a second from protesting when you shut me up, snuggled me, and wrapped me in your love. I have never been so turned on so quickly before; there was something about your words and the way you delivered them so stern and yet full of love, maybe I’m reading too much Fifty… I think you could be my Sir. I know you could. But, you don’t want me anymore…
So, I will continue to live this half alive, barely feeling, numb filled life without US. I have to, I have no other choice. I have tried my hardest to show you how deep my love is for you. I have pulled out some of my best craziest class-5 clinger moves as well, which could explain why you are running for the hills, but I succeed in only pushing you further away and my goal of keeping you was not reached.
I’m so sorry I lost you. I’m sorry that I fought US so hard. I know now that I will never find a love like US and I am learning to accept that, however hard that be.
I love you. I will love you forever, for always, eternally.
You, my dear, are my soul.
I know that even if you don’t find your way back to me now that you will someday, you have too, our souls belong together; and I will be here, yours, when you do.
I love you. Always.