For the last few days I have woken with my bedside lamp still on always dreading the morning light as much as the dark, eerie, silence of night. No doubt I have fallen to sleep while reading, Fifty Shades of course, trying to fight the silence while reading myself into oblivion. It’s worked. I have somehow managed to fall into a nightmarish slumber, getting in only a fraction of what my body craves, never feeling fully rested.
But this morning I woke with the tingle of excitement inside. This morning I was determined to push the fear and anxiety aside and hold onto the sparkle and believe of US.
We had a date.
Well, an US kind of date but anything US is amazing so this ‘date’ had to be too. I have had a week from hell, so starting my Saturday with you sounded like paradise. I couldn’t fall asleep at all last night and I knew I wasn’t going to easily when I had to re read the page I was on for the 3rd time. My eyes popped open and I didn’t have to fight off the drowsy, I reached for my cell and saw 4 missed calls. I never have missed calls. No one calls me at times that I am not available. No one but you. I tried to not let the excitement bubble over before I knew that it was you but as soon as I saw it was you and that you had left voicemails there was no holding it back. I quickly dialed in to check them and a small smile crept over me; the sound of your voice does things to me that no one else has, it reaches in and sucks the breath from me while igniting a fire that only US can, I know as soon as I hear it that I will do anything and everything I ever can for you. Always. I hung up and released the breath that I didn’t know I had been holding.
I called you but had serious doubts that you would hear it and wake up since the voicemails where left less than 4 hours before I figured you would be fast asleep.
You answered. Tears sprang to my eyes, sorry it’s the crazy in me, and the rest, well the rest is… Magic.
I fell into the spell of you. I got lost in your words, commands, love. It was amazing. You never cease to amaze me.
But here is where it gets fucked up.
Even though we spent this amazing US-filled morning together I know that I have lost you. You are distant. I know that you are here but it is almost like it is a shadow of you. Like you could disappear and vanish in a strong wind.
You say the right things, you call me the right words but there is something missing. I don’t know how to get you back. I feel like the harder I try to hold onto you the lighter you become.
I want you back.
I need you back.
I miss the way you would send me I miss you texts, just letting me know you were thinking about me. No one could ever make me feel love the way you could. I miss you. I don’t think you ever think about me anymore when we are apart, unless it is to be annoyed or have to ‘ignore’ my call.
I don’t know how to stop feeling this way but I know if I don’t it will only make things worse for US. I don’t know how to not fear that you won’t be there when I wake, call, text, or need you. I don’t know how to not push you away farther while trying to pull you back to me.
I’m going to stop now because this morning was amazing. It was what I needed. It was what US needed. And I am not going to let my fear and brokenness ruin that. I was stupid and thought I could live this life without you but I was wrong. I will spend the rest of my days showing you the love I have for US.
I love you. I loved this morning. I love any and every moment with you. I am yours. I always will be.
I’m off to get my 7-11 coffee and banana fix; maybe today I will eat the whole banana. I love you.