I don’t see US ever having a night like I’ve had… I see a lot more loving than spitting and fighting for US.

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I want to write. I want to tell you about all of the horrible things that He did to me tonight. I want to tell you about how he spit in my face and called me a whore…

But I don’t have the energy. I am so tired that I can only think about curling up and falling asleep to some Pretty Little Liars, yes I am Netflix addicted, dreaming of being in your arms.

I miss you so bad it hurts. I am so thankful for your love. I am so thankful for you.

I will try to find more time to write this weekend. I’m hoping to be able to have some down time. I’m going to need it after my 11 hour day tomorrow): SUPER SAD FACE

I can’t wait to write all about May (((: EXTREME UBER EXCITED FACE

I love you. I miss you. I’m so happy to see your face every day.

I’m yours. Forever.

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There is not an ounce of believe left… Now what the hell do I do?

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I’m failing. I’m losing all believe I had. I don’t know of I’ll get it back. I’m fearing I won’t.

I’m sorry.

I wish you all the best. I truly do. I just don’t think I’m the one for you.

I wish I believed still…

I’m so sorry. I miss your love already. The last few nights without you have been miserable, sleepless, and what little sleep I do drift into is so nightmare filled is rather be awake…

Enough whining for now I suppose.

Ugh….

Thanks for ignoring my calls tonight… I knew all this LOVE was bullshit.

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Oh my if I didn’t know where to begin before than I am really fucked now. Where do I even start with the last 2 weeks? We went from the depths of sadness into the loving arms of US in zeropointstupid seconds and my head is still spinning from it.

It is so hard to even imagine the last few weeks and the emotions and drama that have come with it. Tonight we will talk about the crazy. And whatever else pops out.

There is NO WAY for me to stop the pictures and images of you two in my head. I can’t stop it no matter what I try to do. And it always comes at the worst times. I am better at hiding it from you now, sometimes, especially when we are in the throes of intimacy and I am feeling more amazing than ever in places I never thought possible and BAM I imagine you doing these things to her, saying these things to her, using your mouth on her, her making you feel the way I make you feel, and that is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I mean, seriously, it has to be the biggest freaking moodsucker that I have ever encountered, and I have two kids under the age of 10 so I know all about moodsuckers. Not to mention how fucking hard it is to not just burst out and ask you questions and drill you on every emotion and thought that you have ever had about her because I seriously want to. I want to ask you and know every little tiny detail, even though I know it will kill me, and I don’t know why.

I mean the first words out of my mouth last night after I could breathe again were, ‘ Did you use a condom with her?’

Seriously?!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I just stop thinking about her and you?

Because it went on for MONTHS behind my back. And I am sure the tiny bit that I do know about is just that, a tiny fucking bit, and that there are so many more things that I don’t want to know.  But how do I tell my mind that? How do I make my craziness believe that I don’t want to know?

And speaking of believe. Don’t even get me started on how much I DON’T believe in this undying love bullshit. I know you tell me everyday. You look, actually look, into my eyes and tell me that you are mine, heart/body/soul and I don’t believe a freaking word of it.

I’m sorry.

I found US a new song… Let’s try to keep this one for US and US only.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8311YhEEbU

“Ho Hey”

(Ho!)
(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

(Ho!) I’ve been trying to do it right
(Hey!) I’ve been living a lonely life
(Ho!) I’ve been sleeping here instead
(Hey!) I’ve been sleeping in my bed,
(Ho!) sleeping in my bed
(Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family
(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed
(Ho!) I don’t know where I belong
(Hey!) I don’t know where I went wrong
(Ho!) But I can write a song
(Hey!)

1, 2, 3
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweet
(Ho!)

(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

(Ho!) I don’t think you’re right for him
(Hey!) Look at what it might have been if you
(Ho!) Took a bus to China Town
(Hey!) I’d be standing on Canal
(Ho!) And Bowery
(Hey!)
(Ho!) And she’d be standing next to me
(Hey!)

1, 2, 3
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart

Love ‒ we need it now
Let’s hope for some
So, we’re bleeding out

I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweet
(Ho!)

(Hey!)
(Ho!)
(Hey!)

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

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Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

We’ve somehow weathered the last 4 days… Will we weather many more?

how awful you made me feel

I’m so confused.

I don’t have any idea what I should do. The US inside me that is trying to fight to survive is telling me to just find my answers in your arms and love but… the part of me that no longer believes in anything ‘US’ related wants me to man up and quit being a whiney bitch and let you go.

So what do I do?

Because without you I find myself crumpled on the floor but when we are together I find myself going crazy doubting and questioning everything. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G!!!

And sleep? That is a fucking joke right now. How can I sleep when the silence and stillness makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I’m not even kidding. I seriously am going to lose my fucking mind.

And I’m pretty much okay with that.

If I lose my mind then I guess I wont have to deal with the shit that is running around up there.

This is going to be so fucking crazy and all over the place because no matter how much I say that I want to run away and let US go and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah….

I want US more than anything.

I don’t want to give up.

I want to believe.

I want to feel US like I used to.

I want to feel you touch places and bring them alive like no one else can.

I want to not hurt from the depths of my soul.

I want to not think that every time you are apart from you are with HER.

I want to be your number one… Not the runner up or just the chick you got stuck with.

I’m sorry. I will try again another time to get some more shit out. Right now I just want to snuggle into your arms and wrap myself in your love and forget about any and everything else.

But I don’t get to do that anymore. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

And I miss it so fucking much….

I’m going crazy… Will this go away?

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I wanted to delete the blog. I wanted to erase any and every thing that has ever reminded me of you. I didn’t want to have to look at something that reminded me of how fake and full of lies US has become.

I attempted to read through from the beginning. I guess I was trying to convince myself that there was some truth in US somewhere but I only succeeded in pissing myself off further and doubting US even more. I find myself so sickened by what I read. I feel like I had these intense feelings for something that was fake, made up, a figment of my imagination, and it literally makes my stomach roll.

I am so sad at what US has become. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie again barely alive but shuffling through all the same. And I fucking hate it. All the comfort and love I used to find in you is missing and I need it so bad…

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hit you and yell that my feelings and love were worth more than what you made them.

But I won’t. I will hold it all in, attempt to get as much out here as possible and see how long it takes for you to get bored of waiting again.

Because you will.

This is what happens when you are not around to save me… I give up.

she worth it

I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am.

Just reading through July makes me want to puke. You were treating me like shit. I was in the same place I am now.

And it was all because you were with her.

Or trying to be with her.

Whatever it was you were FUCKING doing with whomever the fuck you were doing it with….

Hope it was worth it.

I’m going to keep reading through July. And then I am going to make myself read through the rest of the bullshit too. So I can remind myself why it is that I need to be done with US.

Because I’m done.

I can’t allow myself to hurt like this again. You shouldn’t want me to hurt like this again, not if you love me.

But that’s right. You don’t love me. I forgot….

Fuck.

I can’t stop the horror film that is stuck on repeat in my mind… Help me. Please.

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I’m scared to write. I’m scared to do much of anything really except cry; bitch, whine, and fucking lose it.

We have spent more time together, since (Insert skin-crawling/spine-tingling/vomit inducing… you get the picture I’m painting right?), than we have in weeks, maybe months, and I don’t know how to process it. I know that you say you want to fix US and you are not giving up and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… but I don’t believe it. I hear it. I hear you say everything. I just don’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust you.

I am pretty sure that I have wrote almost the same post some time ago about the same fucking thing just a different fucking story. You probably did some fucked up thing, like disappear (now I know it was with her) and I swore up and down that I was never going to let you do this to me again, that I was never going to feel the pain and hurt that I was feeling.

But here we are.

I’m in pain. I hurt like I don’t remember hurting. In places I didn’t even think possible to hurt in. The tears that I have cried have came from a place deep in my soul. I’m so scared to allow myself to feel that pain again. I have completely shut down.

You on the other hand have not. You are in full force. You are shoving your love down my throat like a crazed spoon-feeding mother.

Is it bad if I don’t believe? Is it horrible if I kinda cringe at the sound of it? Is it terrible if I imagine you saying the same words to her, with the same mouth that did god knows what to/with her, while doing nothing with me but filling me full of lies and deceit?

I feel like I am being a whiney bitch and I am not sorry about it at all. I don’t think that I have really been able to process how I feel really, well other than broken/shattered/crushed/unwanted/unloved/lied to/cheated on/pissed the fuck off…

Okay, apparently writing was not the thing to do right now. I just might possibly be moving to the anger stage but I don’t know.

I will try again later I guess.

Untitled… Forever.

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The fact that it’s impossible to sleep without is a bit frustrating. The sun shining down on me today and allowing my sunglasses to not stand out like a sore thumb makes it easier to love with.

I have that yucky anxiety creeping along my skin today. I know she is going to be back from vacation soon. I don’t know when and it makes my skin crawl to know that when she does the possibility of losing you will come screaming into my reality.

I hate this feeling. How will I ever believe in US again?

How do I breathe when you spend all your time at work with her?

Fuck.