Same sad song… Different day.

all kinds love never same

Apparently the holiday season brings out the worst in me. I feel the most insecure and needy during this time of year. It doesn’t help that you are pulling your usual, ‘missing in action’ bullshit. I’m so over it. I wish I could just convince myself to actually walk the fuck away and not be so weak when it comes to you. But no… I still find myself hanging on your every word, waiting for a text, hoping it’s you that is calling when my phone rings…

UGH….

Seriously? How can I still be writing the same bullshit years later?

Oh yea I know why… I’m stupid.

I’m constantly looking for the love you used to show me. I’m wishing and hoping that all the amazing you made me feel at one time was not a lie and really did exist. It’s been so long since I felt the amazing-ness you used to bring that if it wasn’t for this blog I wouldn’t believe it ever really existed. I have gone back and read a few post from the past, not in quite awhile, just to convince myself that US was real.

Will you ever really walk away? Will we just continue down this fucked up path, that is more like a roundabout, for eternity? Will we find the love that we once had? Is it lost forever? Were we just too stupid and naïve to believe we could ever make it? Was it all a dream? Did the you I fell in love with ever exist? Will you ever be more than just an almost lover?

Too many questions for one night. Think I will try to distract myself with some reading…

Wish me luck…

 

 

Guess who’s back… Back again.

never go crazy

My, oh my, where do I begin? It has been forever and a day it seems like since I have sat down to write on something other than my cell phone. I have finally given in, with a ton of begging and pleading from the little ones, to have internet back in the house. I am also hoping that it will help me regain what little bit of sanity I have left, if there is any…

I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m pretty much just testing out the waters to see if writing is still going to bring me the peace that it used to. It’s been so long that I wonder if I am even capable of expressing myself the way I once did. Pandora is definitely helping me right now. I forgot how much I missed just letting my fingers fly over the keyboard and do what they do best while music plays in the background.

Well, I should jump in the shower and put an end to a long day. I’m sure there will be plenty of time to catch up on all the craziness that I have not been able to put down here.

All in good time I suppose.

Goodnight my Moon…