Apparently the holiday season brings out the worst in me. I feel the most insecure and needy during this time of year. It doesn’t help that you are pulling your usual, ‘missing in action’ bullshit. I’m so over it. I wish I could just convince myself to actually walk the fuck away and not be so weak when it comes to you. But no… I still find myself hanging on your every word, waiting for a text, hoping it’s you that is calling when my phone rings…

UGH….

Seriously? How can I still be writing the same bullshit years later?

Oh yea I know why… I’m stupid.

I’m constantly looking for the love you used to show me. I’m wishing and hoping that all the amazing you made me feel at one time was not a lie and really did exist. It’s been so long since I felt the amazing-ness you used to bring that if it wasn’t for this blog I wouldn’t believe it ever really existed. I have gone back and read a few post from the past, not in quite awhile, just to convince myself that US was real.

Will you ever really walk away? Will we just continue down this fucked up path, that is more like a roundabout, for eternity? Will we find the love that we once had? Is it lost forever? Were we just too stupid and naïve to believe we could ever make it? Was it all a dream? Did the you I fell in love with ever exist? Will you ever be more than just an almost lover?

Too many questions for one night. Think I will try to distract myself with some reading…

Wish me luck…